10. I'm not gay.
9. They're hairy.
8. No vagina.
7. They never call.
6. Cocks are ugly
5. I'd always know when he was faking.
4. Semen is gross.
3. I wouldn't know what toilet position to complain about, or exactly why I was complaining about it.
2. I don't want to confuse my feces.
1. If I ever bleed out of my butt, I want it to be a side-effect of my super powers.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I Like Rice
10. You can mix it with anything.
9. It's cheap.
8. You can use any utensil to eat it.
7. Low maintenance.
6. Most people don't like it as much as me, which means I get more.
5. It goes with anything.
4. I don't eat poultry or seafood. Without rice, I would be lost in Asian restaurants.
3. Even I can make it. If you can't make rice, you shouldn't be allowed in a room with electrical outlets.
2. It was never alive.
1. It doubles as currency at Wal-Mart.
9. It's cheap.
8. You can use any utensil to eat it.
7. Low maintenance.
6. Most people don't like it as much as me, which means I get more.
5. It goes with anything.
4. I don't eat poultry or seafood. Without rice, I would be lost in Asian restaurants.
3. Even I can make it. If you can't make rice, you shouldn't be allowed in a room with electrical outlets.
2. It was never alive.
1. It doubles as currency at Wal-Mart.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I Dig Older Women
10. They generally have more money than me.
9. Easier to get drunk.
8. When they call me a "naughty" or "bad" boy, it's more convincing.
7. The fact that I have no car doesn't bother them. They used to walk their horses to school.
6. They cook better than young chicks.
5. Whenever I burp, they don't chastise me. They just figure they hit my back.
4. Spanking is more convincing.
3. Why read about history when I can get it from the source?
2. No uterus, no condom.
1. Whenever she dresses up as a nurse, librarian, teacher, George Washington, etc., it's more convincing.
9. Easier to get drunk.
8. When they call me a "naughty" or "bad" boy, it's more convincing.
7. The fact that I have no car doesn't bother them. They used to walk their horses to school.
6. They cook better than young chicks.
5. Whenever I burp, they don't chastise me. They just figure they hit my back.
4. Spanking is more convincing.
3. Why read about history when I can get it from the source?
2. No uterus, no condom.
1. Whenever she dresses up as a nurse, librarian, teacher, George Washington, etc., it's more convincing.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Top 10 Best Things About My New Apartment
10. No parents.
9. It's only a few blocks from my job.
8. No parents.
7. I've seen two of my neighbors so far, and they're both hot chicks.
6. I don't have a working doorbell, which offers an extra barrier to parents.
5. I have my own storage space.
4. It's only a few blocks from the comic book shop.
3. Gas stove. I don't trust electrical stoves. If you can't light your cigarette on it while singing your hair, it ain't a stove.
2. It's an attic apartment. Most of the windows don't have shades, because they don't need shades. No one outside a helicopter can see inside. So I can walk around half-nekkid as much as I want without traumatizing local children.
1. Lasers (seriously).
9. It's only a few blocks from my job.
8. No parents.
7. I've seen two of my neighbors so far, and they're both hot chicks.
6. I don't have a working doorbell, which offers an extra barrier to parents.
5. I have my own storage space.
4. It's only a few blocks from the comic book shop.
3. Gas stove. I don't trust electrical stoves. If you can't light your cigarette on it while singing your hair, it ain't a stove.
2. It's an attic apartment. Most of the windows don't have shades, because they don't need shades. No one outside a helicopter can see inside. So I can walk around half-nekkid as much as I want without traumatizing local children.
1. Lasers (seriously).
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why Bears Hibernate
10. They save on power bills.
9. No winter boots.
8. Sick and tired of It's a Wonderful Life.
7. They do nothing but sit at home and sleep. Yeah, it's so different from what you do. Racist.
6. They don't like Christmas shopping.
5. Glen Danzig.
4. No foliage.
3. Bears have 23 wet dreams per hour.
2. On the weekends leading up to Christmas, claymation elves descend from the North Pole and hunt down the largest animals they can find. They ritualize every kill by severing and eating the testicles while singing about friendship.
1. Sleep cures herpes.
9. No winter boots.
8. Sick and tired of It's a Wonderful Life.
7. They do nothing but sit at home and sleep. Yeah, it's so different from what you do. Racist.
6. They don't like Christmas shopping.
5. Glen Danzig.
4. No foliage.
3. Bears have 23 wet dreams per hour.
2. On the weekends leading up to Christmas, claymation elves descend from the North Pole and hunt down the largest animals they can find. They ritualize every kill by severing and eating the testicles while singing about friendship.
1. Sleep cures herpes.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Top 10 Stupid Clichés
10. "You can't have your cake and eat it too." Then why did I buy the cake? Dumbass.
9. "Every cloud has a silver lining." How the fuck would you know? Can I borrow your magic carpet so I can see for myself?
8. "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." Yeah, but first you have to get them to fall. That part's tough.
7. "Every rose has its thorns." Isn't this why gardeners carry sharp things?
6. "It's always darkest before the dawn." No it isn't. What freaky hemisphere do you live in?
5. "The pen is mightier than the sword." Good to know. When my daimyo orders me to restore my honor by committing ritual suicide, I'll go to the corner store and buy a pack of bic pens.
4. "Boys will be boys!" Whoa! What a prediction! Psychic powers are real!
3. "All is fair in love and war." Try that argument at Nuremberg, dickhead.
2. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Why? Did someone sneak a velociraptor egg in there?
1. "Behind every great man is a woman." He must really be great. I couldn't pull that position off.
9. "Every cloud has a silver lining." How the fuck would you know? Can I borrow your magic carpet so I can see for myself?
8. "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." Yeah, but first you have to get them to fall. That part's tough.
7. "Every rose has its thorns." Isn't this why gardeners carry sharp things?
6. "It's always darkest before the dawn." No it isn't. What freaky hemisphere do you live in?
5. "The pen is mightier than the sword." Good to know. When my daimyo orders me to restore my honor by committing ritual suicide, I'll go to the corner store and buy a pack of bic pens.
4. "Boys will be boys!" Whoa! What a prediction! Psychic powers are real!
3. "All is fair in love and war." Try that argument at Nuremberg, dickhead.
2. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Why? Did someone sneak a velociraptor egg in there?
1. "Behind every great man is a woman." He must really be great. I couldn't pull that position off.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why There Were No Lists Last Week
10. I just moved to a new place, and opted to spend most of my free time cleaning, organizing, etc.
9.You still don't deserve it.
8. So many Buffy episodes, so little time.
7. No, okay. I didn't do any lists. And no, I didn't see Incredible Hulk yet either. Or Iron Man. Fucking kill me. KILL ME!
6. Glen Danzig.
5. I've been spending too much time in the company of Southerners. I forgot how to count to ten.
4. It's just what Lex Luthor would've expected.
3. I tried, I swear. Monday night I was writing a Top 10 list of reasons why amnesia is cool. But then I hit my head and thought I was Danny Glover for a week. And I figured I'm gettin' too old for this shee-it.
2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And hopefully the genitals.
1. Canadians.
9.You still don't deserve it.
8. So many Buffy episodes, so little time.
7. No, okay. I didn't do any lists. And no, I didn't see Incredible Hulk yet either. Or Iron Man. Fucking kill me. KILL ME!
6. Glen Danzig.
5. I've been spending too much time in the company of Southerners. I forgot how to count to ten.
4. It's just what Lex Luthor would've expected.
3. I tried, I swear. Monday night I was writing a Top 10 list of reasons why amnesia is cool. But then I hit my head and thought I was Danny Glover for a week. And I figured I'm gettin' too old for this shee-it.
2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And hopefully the genitals.
1. Canadians.
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