10. Before the end of the year, the new president will say something that will make white people indignant. It will be the same kind of thing that, if said by white people about someone else, would "just be a bit of fun and why do you folks take yourselves so seriously?"
9. Stephen King will release at least one novel, and at least one of the novels released will feature a main character who happens to be a professional writer. From Maine.
8. Hulk will smash everybody. Again.
7. The ratings for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report will plummet.
6. Less people will believe in the Tooth Fairy. I mean Jesus.
5. The ratings for The O'Reilly Factor will soar.
4. Someone will give Dennis Miller another shot at his own talk show. There will be less than six episodes.
3. One of the new popular hand-held gizmos (iphone, kindle, etc.) will fail en masse. The death of the hand-held gizmo will be heralded by all. All will be wrong.
2. A Universal Health Care bill will be introduced in Congress. It will narrowly fail.
1. Glen Danzig will find this blog and respond to one of the posts angrily. I may need a lawyer.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Top 10 Things I Want To Do In 2009
10. Not smoke.
9. Lose Weight.
8. Get a new computer.
7. Get a car.
6. Get a new job.
5. Pay off my debt.
4. Drink more alcohol on a regular basis.
3. Read more books than, like, all of you.
2. Move in with my girlfriend.
1. Write a novel.
P.S. Oh yeah, and update the blog more regularly. Heh.
9. Lose Weight.
8. Get a new computer.
7. Get a car.
6. Get a new job.
5. Pay off my debt.
4. Drink more alcohol on a regular basis.
3. Read more books than, like, all of you.
2. Move in with my girlfriend.
1. Write a novel.
P.S. Oh yeah, and update the blog more regularly. Heh.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Top 10 Best Christmas Songs
10. "Oh Holy Night" by Cartman
9. "Santa Has A Mullet" by Nerf Herder
8. "A Gun For Christmas" by The Vandals
7. "Hooray For Santa Claus" by Sloppy Seconds
6. "Homo Christmas" by Pansy Division
5. "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)" by The Ramones
4. "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" by New Bomb Turks
3. "Oi To The World" by The Vandals
2. "Fuck Christmas" by Eric Idle
1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds
9. "Santa Has A Mullet" by Nerf Herder
8. "A Gun For Christmas" by The Vandals
7. "Hooray For Santa Claus" by Sloppy Seconds
6. "Homo Christmas" by Pansy Division
5. "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)" by The Ramones
4. "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" by New Bomb Turks
3. "Oi To The World" by The Vandals
2. "Fuck Christmas" by Eric Idle
1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Top 10 Things I Love About Christmas
10. Time off from work or, alternatively, holiday pay.
9. Cartman's version of "Oh Holy Night".
8. I regard my celebration of Christmas much in the same way I regard being an uncle. I'm not a Christian, but I still celebrate Christmas and so don't worry about whether or not I'm paying attention to what Christmas is really all about. It's just like being an uncle. All of the fun. None of the responsibility.
7. Chucking snowballs at Carolers. If they can't sing under duress, fuck 'em. They shouldn't be in the field.
6. The fact that my psycho ex-girlfriend is now my psycho ex-girlfriend, and so I no longer have to take 5 planes and 6 buses and 3 car rides every other Christmas to whatever middle-of-fucking-nowhere place her family is gathering to show how much they don't like being around each other.
5. I don't watch TV, and so don't have to deal with It's a Wonderful Life! Fuck you, movie house.
4. Waiting on the roof with a shotgun. I'll get that bastard one of these years.
3. Occasionally really hitting one out of the park gift-giving wise. Like, my Dad is really tough to buy gifts for. He's a perfect example of the kind of person I mentioned in yesterday's list. I always used to ask him what he wanted, he always told me I didn't have to get him anything, I always got him something anyway, and while he tried to hide it I could tell he was always disappointed. One year, though, I tried extra hard to find something he'd like. No more cologne or ties or anything like that. I got him Todd McFarlane-designed action figures of The Beatles. They were modeled after the animated Beatles from that Yellow Submarine cartoon, and I could tell he really dug them. That was a first, and unfortunately, so far, a last.
2. Now that I have two beautiful nephews, I get to enjoy watching them go nuts over Christmas in a way I just can't anymore.
1. Free shit.
9. Cartman's version of "Oh Holy Night".
8. I regard my celebration of Christmas much in the same way I regard being an uncle. I'm not a Christian, but I still celebrate Christmas and so don't worry about whether or not I'm paying attention to what Christmas is really all about. It's just like being an uncle. All of the fun. None of the responsibility.
7. Chucking snowballs at Carolers. If they can't sing under duress, fuck 'em. They shouldn't be in the field.
6. The fact that my psycho ex-girlfriend is now my psycho ex-girlfriend, and so I no longer have to take 5 planes and 6 buses and 3 car rides every other Christmas to whatever middle-of-fucking-nowhere place her family is gathering to show how much they don't like being around each other.
5. I don't watch TV, and so don't have to deal with It's a Wonderful Life! Fuck you, movie house.
4. Waiting on the roof with a shotgun. I'll get that bastard one of these years.
3. Occasionally really hitting one out of the park gift-giving wise. Like, my Dad is really tough to buy gifts for. He's a perfect example of the kind of person I mentioned in yesterday's list. I always used to ask him what he wanted, he always told me I didn't have to get him anything, I always got him something anyway, and while he tried to hide it I could tell he was always disappointed. One year, though, I tried extra hard to find something he'd like. No more cologne or ties or anything like that. I got him Todd McFarlane-designed action figures of The Beatles. They were modeled after the animated Beatles from that Yellow Submarine cartoon, and I could tell he really dug them. That was a first, and unfortunately, so far, a last.
2. Now that I have two beautiful nephews, I get to enjoy watching them go nuts over Christmas in a way I just can't anymore.
1. Free shit.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Top 10 Things I Hate About Christmas
10. The fact that everything that happens around Christmas has to be about Christmas. All the fucking music is Christmas music. All the parties are Christmas parties. All the food is Christmas-y food. A blizzard hits town that blacks out a large part of the region, closes businesses, and maybe even causes a few deaths, "Well gee, it's gettin' to look a lot like CHRISS-MUSS! Yuk yuk!" Even the porn is Christmas-themed. It's lame.
9. The fact that it's in winter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a winter-hater. There are good sides and bad sides to it. But why couldn't we change our schedule so that the time of year that everyone is driving around madly to buy gifts for family and friends, get food for Christmas dinners and Christmas parties, and all around just do Christmas-y stuff, is NOT the one time of year that you should keep your fucking car in the fucking driveway?
8. Shopping malls. These places suck when you aren't getting shoved around by maddened parents trying to find the hot toy item that's sold out everywhere. Being in a very lack-of-fundage place this year, I have opted to try more alternative Christmas gifts of the I-Made-This variety, and thankfully for the first time in many years I have completely avoided both of the humungo-shopping-malls in my area. I plan to keep it that way until we're all done with celebrating the birth of a fictional hippie by maxing out credit cards on wii's and blue ray discs.
7. The fact that I'm the smartest person in the world when it comes to gift-giving and no one appreciates it. Mind you, I'm not talking about ME giving gifts, I'm talking about people giving gifts TO me. I used to send out mass e-mails every year telling people, "If you are going to get me something, get me THIS." I did this because whenever I ask anyone what they want for Christmas, they always respond with, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything!" No. I don't. But I'm going to. You know I'm going to. So just cut the shit, and fucking tell me what the fuck you fucking want. You will save me a lot of trouble and time and money. So, I used to try to tell people exactly what I wanted to help them out, and this was considered as brazen and selfish. So now I have to be a coy bastard like everyone else. It's annoying.
6. That Beatles song. Not the "feel guilty about starving Africans while you're sucking on candy canes" song, but the "REAL-LEE. HAV-ING. A wonderful Christmas time!" song. "Really having a wonderful Christmas time?" Wow, there's that vaunted Beatles poetry for ya. I prefered "This Thanksgiving Was Okay," and "No, I Had Fun On Halloween, I Swear. Really", but it's definitely better than "Easter Was Kinda Cool, But I Had The Shits".
5. Salvation Army folks in front of stores. Not that they aren't doing good work, they are. But I just can't afford to give anything and it makes me feel bad.
4. Kids following me around trying to give me their Christmas lists. What the fuck? I fucking broadcast my PO Box all over the place. But nnnooooo... they want to deliver it in person and get a kiss on the cheek and make me eat their shitty little cookies.
3. No feats of strength at most parties.
2. Disturbing Christmas movies that try to come off as not being disturbing. Like that movie where the kid's dead father comes back to life as a snowman. Or those Tim Allen movies where Allen gives up his family to be Santa Claus. I mean, I did it for a few years because they paid me under the table and let me smoke in the workshop. But if I'd had a kid that would've been totally irresponsible.
1. The theme in Christmas movies, like one of the ones mentioned in #2, that it's BAD to let your kids think there's no Santa Claus. Seems to me we have enough things in our culture telling us it's bad to not believe in things we know aren't true. Just keep on chanting "Mission Accomplished" and tell yourself the economy's fine. See how far that gets you, dickwad.
9. The fact that it's in winter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a winter-hater. There are good sides and bad sides to it. But why couldn't we change our schedule so that the time of year that everyone is driving around madly to buy gifts for family and friends, get food for Christmas dinners and Christmas parties, and all around just do Christmas-y stuff, is NOT the one time of year that you should keep your fucking car in the fucking driveway?
8. Shopping malls. These places suck when you aren't getting shoved around by maddened parents trying to find the hot toy item that's sold out everywhere. Being in a very lack-of-fundage place this year, I have opted to try more alternative Christmas gifts of the I-Made-This variety, and thankfully for the first time in many years I have completely avoided both of the humungo-shopping-malls in my area. I plan to keep it that way until we're all done with celebrating the birth of a fictional hippie by maxing out credit cards on wii's and blue ray discs.
7. The fact that I'm the smartest person in the world when it comes to gift-giving and no one appreciates it. Mind you, I'm not talking about ME giving gifts, I'm talking about people giving gifts TO me. I used to send out mass e-mails every year telling people, "If you are going to get me something, get me THIS." I did this because whenever I ask anyone what they want for Christmas, they always respond with, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything!" No. I don't. But I'm going to. You know I'm going to. So just cut the shit, and fucking tell me what the fuck you fucking want. You will save me a lot of trouble and time and money. So, I used to try to tell people exactly what I wanted to help them out, and this was considered as brazen and selfish. So now I have to be a coy bastard like everyone else. It's annoying.
6. That Beatles song. Not the "feel guilty about starving Africans while you're sucking on candy canes" song, but the "REAL-LEE. HAV-ING. A wonderful Christmas time!" song. "Really having a wonderful Christmas time?" Wow, there's that vaunted Beatles poetry for ya. I prefered "This Thanksgiving Was Okay," and "No, I Had Fun On Halloween, I Swear. Really", but it's definitely better than "Easter Was Kinda Cool, But I Had The Shits".
5. Salvation Army folks in front of stores. Not that they aren't doing good work, they are. But I just can't afford to give anything and it makes me feel bad.
4. Kids following me around trying to give me their Christmas lists. What the fuck? I fucking broadcast my PO Box all over the place. But nnnooooo... they want to deliver it in person and get a kiss on the cheek and make me eat their shitty little cookies.
3. No feats of strength at most parties.
2. Disturbing Christmas movies that try to come off as not being disturbing. Like that movie where the kid's dead father comes back to life as a snowman. Or those Tim Allen movies where Allen gives up his family to be Santa Claus. I mean, I did it for a few years because they paid me under the table and let me smoke in the workshop. But if I'd had a kid that would've been totally irresponsible.
1. The theme in Christmas movies, like one of the ones mentioned in #2, that it's BAD to let your kids think there's no Santa Claus. Seems to me we have enough things in our culture telling us it's bad to not believe in things we know aren't true. Just keep on chanting "Mission Accomplished" and tell yourself the economy's fine. See how far that gets you, dickwad.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why Lord of the Rings Is Better Than Star Wars
10. I am fairly certain that neither J.R.R. Tolkien nor Peter Jackson had the motto "Blue Screen Solves Every Problem" tattooed to their asses.
To be fair, the special effects of the original Star Wars films were revolutionary for their time. That's part of the irony. I feel very strongly that - in spite of the obvious improvements in special effects between the production of the original films and that of the prequels - the special effects of the original films worked better and were, in fact, more believable than those of the prequels.
I was particularly struck by this when they started heavily promoting Revenge of the Sith. Their first teaser trailer for Sith had very few clips from the film itself, and instead had clips from all the preceding films. In one part, you see Luke in the original film on Tattooine, looking at the planet's twin suns. In another, there was a shot from Attack of the Clones, with Darth Jr. on his speeder heading for the Sand People, and in the background - once again - you see the planet's two suns. The first shot looked like what it was supposed to look like - a guy staring at two suns. The latter shot looked like an asshole in front of blue screen.
In other words, the effects of the original Star Wars films, and those of Lord of the Rings, were there to do what special effects in films of the fantastic are supposed to do - suspend the viewers' disbelief and draw them into the fictional world. Whereas the CGI of the prequels was there to make you think "Wow! Cool CGI!"
9. Stories written by writers can be fun!
8. Most of the actors involved with Lord of the Rings went on to do more than cartoon voices and lame comic-book related Christopher-Guest-rip-off mockumentaries.
7. Lord of the Rings did not attempt to shove a faux Eastern religion down the throats of its audience.
6. When villains in Lord of the Rings get burnt all to shit by lava, they actually die.
5. When Gandalf found a race of goofy diminutives, they didn't try to eat him.
4. As far as I know, no principal characters in Lord of the Rings - in either the books or the films - french kissed their sisters.
3. Christopher Lee played a villain in both film franchises, but in Lord of the Rings he wasn't given a name that toddlers use to describe SHIT.
2. No Jar Jar.
1. The books are better. The movies are better. Simple as that.
To be fair, the special effects of the original Star Wars films were revolutionary for their time. That's part of the irony. I feel very strongly that - in spite of the obvious improvements in special effects between the production of the original films and that of the prequels - the special effects of the original films worked better and were, in fact, more believable than those of the prequels.
I was particularly struck by this when they started heavily promoting Revenge of the Sith. Their first teaser trailer for Sith had very few clips from the film itself, and instead had clips from all the preceding films. In one part, you see Luke in the original film on Tattooine, looking at the planet's twin suns. In another, there was a shot from Attack of the Clones, with Darth Jr. on his speeder heading for the Sand People, and in the background - once again - you see the planet's two suns. The first shot looked like what it was supposed to look like - a guy staring at two suns. The latter shot looked like an asshole in front of blue screen.
In other words, the effects of the original Star Wars films, and those of Lord of the Rings, were there to do what special effects in films of the fantastic are supposed to do - suspend the viewers' disbelief and draw them into the fictional world. Whereas the CGI of the prequels was there to make you think "Wow! Cool CGI!"
9. Stories written by writers can be fun!
8. Most of the actors involved with Lord of the Rings went on to do more than cartoon voices and lame comic-book related Christopher-Guest-rip-off mockumentaries.
7. Lord of the Rings did not attempt to shove a faux Eastern religion down the throats of its audience.
6. When villains in Lord of the Rings get burnt all to shit by lava, they actually die.
5. When Gandalf found a race of goofy diminutives, they didn't try to eat him.
4. As far as I know, no principal characters in Lord of the Rings - in either the books or the films - french kissed their sisters.
3. Christopher Lee played a villain in both film franchises, but in Lord of the Rings he wasn't given a name that toddlers use to describe SHIT.
2. No Jar Jar.
1. The books are better. The movies are better. Simple as that.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why The Incredible Hulk Should Have Been In Lord of the Rings
10. Hulk jumps = much shorter trip to Mordor.
9. Hulk vs. Sauron. Hulk wins.
8. The siege of Gondor. Hulk has shrugged off bullets, tank shells, missiles, and nuclear blasts. I don't think a bunch of swords and spears and punk rock elephants would've posed much of a challenge.
7. Hulk vs. Balrog. Hulk wins.
6. Hulk is cool. Dwarves are cool. Dwarves and Hulk would totally get along. So the orcs and the balrog would never have taken over Moria because the Hulk would've smashed them all. The Fellowship would've arrived at Moria to much alcohol and meat. And advances from short women with beards. Problem solved. Though dwarf syphilis would run rampant.
5. Would give the Hulk another chance to beat the shit out of Iron Man. This would not have helped the Fellowship, but I would've enjoyed it.
4. Hulk vs. Legolas. Hulk wins. Shield-surfing scene never happens.
3. Hulk could've brought along She-Hulk, which would've helped stem all the gay jokes about the sausage party Fellowship.
2. Hulk would've smashed the ship that brought Gandalf, the elves, and Frodo to the Grey Havens. Then he would've realized this would mean he'd have to hang out with the elves more. Then he would've smashed the elves. The lack of elves would cancel Christmas, which would do away with a capitalist holiday that causes more harm than good.
1. The Ring corrupts through the promise of power. If you gave The Ring to Hulk, it would be like using casual sex to tempt a rock star. The Hulk is already the strongest one there is, and so the Ring would have no effect.
9. Hulk vs. Sauron. Hulk wins.
8. The siege of Gondor. Hulk has shrugged off bullets, tank shells, missiles, and nuclear blasts. I don't think a bunch of swords and spears and punk rock elephants would've posed much of a challenge.
7. Hulk vs. Balrog. Hulk wins.
6. Hulk is cool. Dwarves are cool. Dwarves and Hulk would totally get along. So the orcs and the balrog would never have taken over Moria because the Hulk would've smashed them all. The Fellowship would've arrived at Moria to much alcohol and meat. And advances from short women with beards. Problem solved. Though dwarf syphilis would run rampant.
5. Would give the Hulk another chance to beat the shit out of Iron Man. This would not have helped the Fellowship, but I would've enjoyed it.
4. Hulk vs. Legolas. Hulk wins. Shield-surfing scene never happens.
3. Hulk could've brought along She-Hulk, which would've helped stem all the gay jokes about the sausage party Fellowship.
2. Hulk would've smashed the ship that brought Gandalf, the elves, and Frodo to the Grey Havens. Then he would've realized this would mean he'd have to hang out with the elves more. Then he would've smashed the elves. The lack of elves would cancel Christmas, which would do away with a capitalist holiday that causes more harm than good.
1. The Ring corrupts through the promise of power. If you gave The Ring to Hulk, it would be like using casual sex to tempt a rock star. The Hulk is already the strongest one there is, and so the Ring would have no effect.
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