10. If I pay to see a Transformers movie, I expect to see a bunch of giant robots beating the shit out of each other. I don't want to spend three hours watching Shia LeBeouf trying and failing to be funny.
9. I was a little boy when this franchise was young, and as such a number of things in the film were very disturbing to me. In particular, watching Optimus Prime blow the head off a wounded Decepticon after saying, all Dirty-Harry-like, "Any last words?" feels kind of like watching the Smurfs raid a Snork village and throw all their Snork babies off cliffs.
8. The formula for a Michael Bay film seems very simple. A) Violence. B) Tits. C) Melodramatic music that never, ever, EVER stops and, most importantly D) Black people are retarded, and that's why they're so funny.
7. Robot...GHOSTS? Really? I mean, really?
6. John Turturro, wtf?!?! Dude, tell the Coen brothers to give you a raise if you're this desperate. JESUS!
5. The film was preceded by a trailer for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. So, believe it or not, the Transformers flick wasn't the only stupid thing I saw that night.
4. I saw it at a double feature, and it was followed by The Hangover. So the night wasn't a total loss.
3. Dear Michael Bay, perhaps you could've spent a little less time coming up with new ways to get Megan Fox to bend over, and put a bit of energy towards figuring out how to let your audience distinguish between the good giant robots and the bad giant robots. Most of the time I didn't know who to root for and who to boo. So I just cheered for the EndOfTheMoviePleaseComeSoon-obot.
2. One of the more interesting things about the movie was how easily the giant robots were killed. The final battle features lots of shots of Decepticons running at the humans who shoot them with nothing more high-tech than tank shells and bullets, and yet the human military manages to take them all pretty easily, including one of the big bad guys - Megatron. Couldn't help but wonder why the fuck these assholes were considered such big threats if they're so easy to kill. Why do we even need Autobots? Apparently, the squad from Aliens could take these guys out.
1. I saw it at the drive-in, without getting laid. Yet somehow, in ways that mattered, I'm pretty sure I got fucked.
2 comments:
Would Devastator's wrecking ball testicles be considered frontal male nudity?
Well, technically I think the shot was from behind.
And I don't think any of those robots were wearing clothes. Dirty fuckers.
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