Top 10 Initial Reactions After Reading 170 Pages of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

10. At this point, I have asked my girlfriend twice the correct pronunciation of "Hermione." She has answered me both times. And I have almost immediately forgotten the answer. Both times.

So, from now on, I am simply referring to her as --



Or, perhaps, Annoying Bossy Bitch.

9. Hagrid the giant finds Harry with his adoptive parents - The Dursleys. The Dursleys don't like Hagrid or anything that reminds them of Harry's magical origins. During their meeting, Mr. Dursley insults Dumbledore (the headmaster of Hogwart's to whom Hagrid is very loyal), which angers Hagrid to no end. In retaliation, Hagrid uses his magic to sprout a pig tail out of the ass of Mr. Dursley's biological son, Dudley.

With this, Hagrid teaches Harry Potter one of the first rules of the aspiring Columbian druglord: when someone fucks with you, don't maim THEM. Maim their children.

8. "Muggles." That's awesome. J.K. Rowling came up with a racial slur for people who are born with inferior abilities. I sure hope that kinda stuff catches on in central Europe.

7. A conversation between me and my girlfriend (who has read all the books and convinced me to try out this first one):

MARYANN: How far did you get? Is he in the school yet?

ME: Yep.

MARYANN: Did you get to the Sorting Hat part yet?

ME: Yep. Harry and Ron are both in Tribe Survivor. They're forming an alliance to kick Neville off the island. He's a fucker.

6. Names are important. If Lucas hadn't chosen to create a villain whose name - Dooku - sounds like what toddlers call their shit, Attack of the Clones would only have been a complete waste of time and not a complete fucking waste of time.

Likewise, here we have characters with names like Dumbledore and Voldemort. My understanding is the books gradually mature in tone and content. And it is difficult for me to imagine taking seriously a dark, mature story featuring characters with names that make them sound like lawn gnomes.

5. Quidditch? Why is it even fictional English sports sound like synonyms for either knitting or pastry?

4. "Oh I can't say the name of You-Know-Who!"
"Oh, they teamed up with You-Know-Who!"
"You don't mean You-Know-Who?"
"I heard he worked for You-Know-Who!"
"They say it has something to do with You-Know-Who!"

VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
MACBETH!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!

3. Wait for it...wait for it...

...

...

Hulkcouldtotallykickharry'sass

2. So apparently in the films first they had Richard Harris playing Dumbledore. Then he died, so they got Michael Gambon.

And strangely, when I read the book, all I can think of is Ian McKellen.

1. So far the verdict is...I don't think it sucks. The first couple of chapters were tedious. The whole "oh look at the magical boy being smothered by the normal, boring people" bullshit had me yawning, but once it got going, it got going. I don't know if I'll be dying to read one book after the other, but so far it isn't a bad read.