Mick's Top 10 Thoughts On The Idea Of Making People Take Drug Tests In Order To Get Their Welfare Checks And Food Stamps

10. If you think people on public assistance are a drain on the economy, how much of a drain do you think it will be to administer drug tests to every single person in the country looking to benefit from that assistance?

9. Ever heard the phrase "false positive?" Do you think it's worth it to deny people food because someone ate a poppy bagel on the wrong day?

8. You can deny it. You will deny it. If you think people should be drug tested for a frivolous little privilege like eating, then it's likely truth is as strange to you as restraint is to me. But it's what is. And it's this - The day YOUR boss tells you he's giving you a random drug test, you're going to act like the Gestapo just raped your favorite child. And you know it. After all, you only do the drugs that don't matter! Don't they know you're white?

7. Jesus Christ, guys. If you need something to kick so badly, buy a fucking soccer ball.

6. The day someone has to piss in a cup to prove to a bureaucrat that they haven't been naughty just so they can feed themselves, this country is NOT worth living in. Yes, you'll still have your country rock and your cooking contest shows. You fucking monkeys.

5. Let's follow this logic. First we make sure they aren't drug users before we give them assistance. Then what? Then we monitor what they're buying with their assistance? To make sure they aren't buying anything unhealthy? Then to make sure they aren't buying anything unhealthy or unwholesome? Then to make sure they're only using their assistance to purchase items pre-approved by the government or, more correctly, to whatever corporation is giving the government its orders that week?

I'm going to propose two things you may consider strange. One, we have a right to privacy in this country. Two, it is a right that is not dependent on your ability to pay for food.

4. Here's something to think about. When you're driving through that neighborhood with those people, and some of those people who can't afford to buy a bag of chips spot you in your shiny Explorer texting your BFF about the stupid new phone you bought, you might WANT those people on drugs. Because otherwise, they might be awake enough to kill you.

3. You stupid motherfuckers bitch when athletes get drug tested. ATHLETES. People who make more money in a week than you and I could make in two lifetimes. And THEIR rights, THEIR rights you want to protect. But not the rights of poor people who can't afford their own food?

Really? I mean, REALLY?

Seriously. No bullshit. No snark. If you REALLY believe that, then these people you're lifting your nose to aren't the ones who should starve. They really aren't.

2. Even if the Republicans overtook every branch of government, I couldn't imagine something like this happening. But you can rest assured that, if it DOES happen, when those guys drag you out of your SUV at the traffic light and blast your skull open in front of your children, they WON'T just be doing it for drugs. They'll be doing it for food, too.

Stupid.

1. Seriously. I can't pretend no one cheats the welfare system. I can't pretend no one abuses it. What I can feel fairly secure about is that even if you assumed that every single person in the US on public assistance was either cheating the government or being wildly irresponsible about using that assistance, the costs would not even come close to other drains on our economy, like giving government assistance to huge corporations, or habitually sending every goddamn soldier we can to countries filled with non-white people. I realize war hawks and CEOs are more difficult to feel superior to because they don't make less money than you, but I'm sure you can find some motivation if you try.