"What, we had about 1000 years of Mick the self (& world) loathing curmudgeon and now this!?"
So now that the cat's out of the bag, I figured I should address the subject and explain to everyone exactly why I have been a self (& world) loathing curmudgeon............FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. Lost a bet on the Battle of Hastings. Been dodging my bookie ever since.
9. Anne Rice got my story wrong. And I told them to get Belushi to play me in the movie. Dumbasses.
8. If you had to live forever and only got laid every 20 years or so, you'd be pissed too.
7. I miss my dinosaur ranch. There was nothing like throwing a saddle on a triceratops and riding into town with Jesus. As long as he was with me we never got stopped for speeding. But he was a firm believer in helmet laws.
6. As an immortal, I've met Jesus, George Washington, William Shakespeare, Confucius, and Abraham Lincoln. And you know what's depressing? They all thought The Fast and the Furious rocked. Can you believe that shit?
5. I missed The Gathering and that Highlander asshole has been calling me a pussy ever since. I mean, what the hell? I was supposed to BELIEVE they scheduled the greatest battle of all time in the fucking '80's? Whatever.
4. After 300 years of searching, after much blood and sweat and toil, after losing God knows how many friends and lovers to my obsession, I finally found Carmen Sandiego. And she is UHHH-UH-GLEE!
3. I suffered from a horrible curse. During the day, the love of my life was transformed into a hawk. And at night she became human and we could finally speak to each other, touch, kiss, and even make love. Unfortunately, at night I was transformed into Rutger Hauer. And she was disappointed with everything I'd done after The Hitcher, so she went down on Ferris Bueller instead.
2. Cleopatra lied to me. The rash never went away.
1. I am the last dragon.
(P.S. Love ya Jen!)
3 comments:
Your continuity... It hurts my brain.
Is it called Lost SMASH!? NO! It's called List SMASH!! Not only do I not claim to maintain a continuity here, if I ever detect one, I'll destroy it! I'll crush its dreams like a Mormon lost in a beverage center!
Ah, yes, sadly most immortals are discovered sooner or later, but you, Mick are truly timeless...and I agree, Rutger Hauer as you in Ladyhawke did not fully capture that essential quality that IS who you are. I've always thought that if instead, at night, you were transformed into Glen Danzig and Isabeau was played by Mia Sara instead of Michelle Pfeiffer...well, that would have been MUCH sexier. In the end, she still would have left you for Ferris Beuller, but you two would have a full year of debauchery in the mean time.
You're my hero. Here's to a thousand more years!
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