Top 10 Similarities Between Zombies and God

10. Zombies are always eating, in spite of the fact that one of their defining characteristics is that they're dead. God, it is said, also works in mysterious ways.

9. When God comes back He's going to destroy the world. So will zombies.

8. If you're some kind of voodoo priest or something, zombies are easy to control. You wouldn't think God would be easy to control, but considering that He changes what He wants from us based on the political hot topics of the time, I'd say it's debatable.

7. Zombies are creepy. So was George Burns.



6. Zombies eat people. God doesn't. But according to the Catholics, He wants YOU to eat His son. Every Sunday.

5. Zombies eat brains. God does not eat brains. However, He did expel Adam and Eve from Paradise for eating from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. So, as a general rule of thumb, letting either zombies or God know that you have a brain is a bad idea.

4. You can't kill God. You can't kill zombies either. They're already dead. You can stop them, but you can't technically kill them. And you can only stop them by taking off their heads. Same as with Highlander, but that's another list.

3. If you fuck in ways not pre-approved by your clergyman and/or local law enforcement, God will blow up your town. In the meantime, if God doesn't blow up your town, regardless of how you or your townspeople fuck, zombies are going to kill everyone in your town. Either way, your town is fucked. You should really consider moving.

2. There are movies about zombies. There are movies about God. The main difference is that Christians don't picket movies about zombies.

1. God is everywhere. Zombies are not everywhere. Until they are. Then you're fucked.

Top 10 Things I Appreciate

Taking the lead from my bay-bay, who started a blog yesterday...

10. The fact that no one's given me shit yet for not updating the blog for three days (not counting Saturday and Sunday - I figured by now you guys had gotten the idea that I wasn't going to update on weekends regardless).

9. My home. It's relatively safe, my landlords don't make me pay extra to throw away big stuff, there's an exercise room, a pool, and central air/heat. Oh, and my girlfriend is there too.

8. Comic books, superheroes, and various fantastical, fictional geek brainfood.

7. Diet Pepsi. Apparently, there are some bad things about it. Don't care. I'm dieting, I'm exercising, I quit smoking. I will allow myself a few Diet Pepsis/day, or I WILL kill you all. Kay? Kay.

6. My talent for writing. I'm not claiming I'm Updike, but it's something I can do well. And it gives me opportunities to express myself. And good grades. And helped me get laid a few...oh who am I kidding.

5. The fact that my weight, which has dogged me the better part of my life and which has been - at least in part - the source of many of my greatest woes is something that I can change, as difficult as that is to accomplish. I know there are people with physical difficulties that are beyond their control. Beyond, you know, becoming cyborgs.

4. My friends. Whatever. You're all cool and shit. You make my life blah blah blah. You get it. Whatever.

3. My family. Obviously, without them, I wouldn't exist. And my last name isn't "Fuchs" or "Jablome" or anything like that. And my mother and father have, with all their flaws, offered more opportunities for humor over the years than I can count.

2. My nephews. They're probably the closest thing I'll ever have to my own children. They fill me with so much love and joy that I honestly don't know how parents can even stand it - how they can stop themselves from just fainting every few minutes because of how wonderful their little shits are. Probably drugs. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm thinking of my brother. Yeah. Definitely drugs.

1. My honey, my baby, my sweetness. She warms my heart. She inspires me. She makes me remember what it is to love and hope. And without her, my balls would hurt a lot more.

Top 10 Potential Titles For My Future Books

10. The World's Not Going to Blow Up or Anything Like That So Shut the Fuck Up: An Argument Against Your Stupid Beliefs by Michileen Martin

9. Oh, SNAP!: Why I'm Better than Crackle and Pop, and How I Beat Heroin Addiction! by Snap (ghost written by Michileen Martin)



8. Your Mother: She Sucks, Why She Sucks, What that Means, and the Battle of Vicksburg by Michileen Martin

7. I did NOT Kill Kurt Cobain, But I DID Have Sex With His Wife: A Random Sampling of 3,586 Seattle Males by Michileen Martin

6. The Morally Confusing Adventures of Kid Hitler by Michileen Martin

5. The Bible II: The B-Sides by Michileen Martin

4. Do You Assholes REALLY Think I'm REALLY Excited About All this Bullshit?: The Unauthorized Biography of Stan Lee by Michileen Martin



3. Glen Danzig: A Life by Michileen Martin

2. If It Doesn't Have Peanut Butter and/or Cheese, You're an Asshole: A Mick Martin Cookbook by Michileen Martin

1. Twilight by Stephen King (I'll fucking rake it in)

Top 10 Things I've Learned Walking For Exercise Every Day Around Downtown Albany For About 2 Weeks

10. I am surprised to learn I usually prefer to not listen to music while walking. if the rhythm of the music is too different from the rhythm of my breathing, it screws me up.

9. Regardless of the rhythmic issues, when walking in downtown Albany, it's a good idea to have something stuck in your ear so you can at least pretend to not hear all the people who are going to ask you for the free money you don't have.

8. It doesn't matter how appropriate it is for me to carry an umbrella during my walks. It doesn't matter if it looks like it's going to rain, feels like it's going to rain, smells like it's going to rain, all the appropriate "we know what the sky's doing" authorities have said it's going to rain, and it's already been an extra rainy summer. Doesn't matter. When I hold an umbrella, I feel like I should be plotting against Batman.



I...I'm not like other guys.

7. When I was a smoker and I walked down the street, it seemed like every person I passed on the sidewalk was a self-righteous non-smoker. Now that I don't smoke and am trying to exercise, it seems like every person I pass on the sidewalk is smoking a cigarette. I try to see it as penance.

6. Downtown Albany really smells like shit. Literally, it smells like a fucking litter box. Except when a bus pulls up next to me - then the whole world smells and tastes like what happens when Autobots eat too much chili.

5. The overall skankiness of female apparel for NY state workers seems to increase with age.

4. Being Spider-Man in Albany would suck. He could fight crime for two blocks, then he'd just have to stroll.

3. Gnawing pain in your legs, ankles, feet, and back make you a much more patient pedestrian at intersections.

2. Exercising every day makes me feel better. And yes, this IS new for me you condescending pricks. I didn't need to exercise before. I functioned on nicotine, sarcasm, gamma radiation and the simple fact that I wanted to have sex with 3/4 of the women I saw. But now. You know. I quit smoking.

1. I'm not done yet.

Top 10 Things I'm Pretty Sure Went Wrong With My Haircut Yesterday

10. I am fairly certain that my scalp was detached and replaced with the scalp of a much smaller man.

9. The hairdresser was so short that I had to slide down until my ass was hanging off the lip of the chair in order for her to reach the top of my head.

8. Those of you who see me on a regular basis may not know this, but I don't tend to have long hair because I like long hair. I tend to have long hair because I don't like getting my hair cut. I don't like getting my hair cut because the hairdresser or stylist or barber or whatever the fuck she wants to call herself (that isn't sexist, I only allow women to cut my hair...and THAT may in fact be sexist now that I think about it, but stating that it's a fact that the annoying person cutting my hair WILL be a woman isn't sexist) will feel it necessary to engage in banal, bullshit conversation. And I really hate chit chat. And know what makes it worse? When the hairdresser in question doesn't even bother trying to fake enough interest in the answers to her own bullshit questions to open her mouth when she speaks. Hey if you don't really want to know mmurr mooo my mive, then you don't have to fucking ASK mmurr mooo my mive. Stupid.

7. With short hair, I look like mafia muscle. I just do.

6. I gave her a tip. I hate having manners.

5. No reset button. WTF?

4. I forgot to get a shampoo for the free scalp massage. Okay, now I remember why I only let chicks cut my hair.

3. She didn't even try to get the cut hairs off my face. No brush, no nothing. I left the shop and went into Target looking like I ate out a werewolf.

2. No more Supercuts. I'm getting a regular hairdresser. I don't care how girly it feels doing that. Or how ape-ish it feels to admit it feels girly to get a regular hairdresser.

1. I don't know where all these gray hairs came from, but I'm willing to bet the lazy-mouthed dwarf who cut my hair with phone books strapped to her feet has something to do with it.

Top 10 Similarities Between Jesus and Spider-Man

10. Both have super powers.

9. Both wish they could live normal lives without their father figures guiding their every move.

8. Jesus got crucified. Spidey's still alive but he gets his ass kicked all the time. Especially when he fucks with the wrong people.



7. Both have issues with the concept of getting laid.

6. Jesus had apostles. Spidey has SpiderFan.org

5. Theaters were picketed for screening The Last Temptation of Christ. Theaters should have been picketed for screening Spider-Man 3.

4. They both fight vampires.





3. Jesus knew things about his future. He knew he would die for humanity and that one of his closest friends would betray him. Spider-Man has SPIDEY-SENSE!

2. Jesus had Pontius Pilate. Spidey has J. Jonah Jameson.

1. Don't say this out loud because certain people are very sensitive about it, but Spider-Man doesn't exist either.

Top 10 Criteria for Mick's Halloween Costume

We're going to try something a little different today. Today's list is going to call for participation from you, the reader, and that participation will help to determine certain future lists.

Halloween is still 3 months away, but I want a good costume this year and that means getting ready early. So I want you guys to help me figure out who I'm going to be. And your guidance will come in the form of this list. Following these 10 guidelines should, I hope, help you to come up with options for Halloween outfits that will be fun, that will stimulate the imagination, and hopefully won't have too much to do with Kevin Smith.

So, here we go.

10. NO.




9. NO.



(maybe next year)


8. It has to be something I like. In other words, if I'm going to dress as up as a character from a film, tv show, comic book, whatever, it has to be one I enjoy. None of you are expected to be mind readers, but I suspect you all should know that suggesting I should dress up as a character from a musical, for example, will be met with certain amount of laughter and middle fingers.

7. It has to be cheap. I want to dress up, but I want to pay my bills. Telling my girlfriend she'll have to sell some of her collectible dolls to help pay rent because I really really REALLY wanted to make a convincing Orko ain't gonna fly.

6. Let's remember I'm fat. So any costumes that call for me with a bare torso, while perhaps comfortable for me, would cause some discomfort in the people around me. Otherwise I'd just be Hulk every year.

5. Nothing with kilts. I only say this because I have a kilt, people know I have a kilt, people have seen me in the kilt, and so everyone expects me to dress up in the kilt. I'm not going to. So shut up.

4. Little or no make-up. I sweat like a Republican in an ethics inquiry. So most make-up will not be staying on my face/body for long.

3. Nothing too bulky. Again, see #4.

2. Just to reiterare...NO.



1. No naughty nurse outfits. I'm not against being a nurse, but I wouldn't be naughty.