Top 10 Lessons I Am Slowly Learning As I Inch Towards Middle Age

10. When you reach a certain age all heterosexual, single, unmarried women look at all heterosexual, single, unmarried men as potential mates. And if they are not attracted to you, they harbor a ridiculous amount of anger towards you for being a heterosexual, single, unmarried man they don't want to mate with. My empathy towards them is weak. The chorus of Beck's "Loser" goes on a delicious loop in my head when I encounter them.

9. Once a fat guy reaches a certain age, groups of teenagers predisposed towards yelling insulting shit at fat guys passing them on the street will no longer yell the insulting shit. I don't know why. Maybe they think I'm a cop. Or maybe they don't want to burn any bridges. Someone's going to have to buy them beer.

8. I never got a tattoo and that's okay. Preferable, actually.

7. I'm probably never going to be famous. I'm probably not going to care.

6. You can sleep through almost anything if you just don't give a shit.

5. If you are awake and walking about a little earlier in the morning than most people - say anywhere between 4 am and 6 am - in an iffy neighborhood and you see someone coming from the other direction, the best way to tell whether or not the other person is a potential danger is to see if they're carrying coffee. It is difficult for you to imagine muggers, murderers, serial killers, rapists, terrorists, and cannibals turning to their friends and saying "Why, I must say sir, if I wish to continue this night of raping and murdering and eating human flesh, then I shall need some powerful java!" A person walking with a coffee, even in the most vicious ghetto, will never seem like a danger. They've got coffee for fuck's sake. They're going to work, or maybe coming back from a night job. They've got things going on in their lives - enough that they need coffee at a stupid hour of morning anyway. This sense of safety inspired by coffee is genuine, and probably right, even though ironically the safety you feel is towards someone carrying a scalding hot cup of liquid that would be enough to maim your stupid face if the stranger were so inclined.

4. I am afraid of being eaten. No, really. It is probably my greatest fear. I hate zombie movies and nature programs for precisely this reason.

3. Some people inching towards middle age, or already there, really don't want to be. And as a result they talk like the foul-mouthed, teenage jocks they never were. False stories about sexual and violent exploits just fall out of their mouths like diarrhea. They can't even help it. These people are a gift. Insulting them to their faces is easy and feeds the spirit.

2. Yes, it is all your parents' fault. No, they're never going to apologize or change. That's okay. They'll still give you free shit.

1. Beta Ray Bill is the coolest name of any super-hero ever.