10. "Hey! Let's get completely hammered and toss gnomes into the forge!" VS. "Hey! Let's go to the juice bar and look at trees!" Which party are you going to?
9. Elf Chicks - Hottest ladies in the fucking universe, but their knees are locked so tightly you have to slip them a date-rape drug just to ask them out to a movie. And they'll still probably say no.
Dwarf Chicks - Perfect height and there's enough alcohol around so you can ignore the fact that they're dwarves.
8.Elves have nifty bows and arrows. Dwarves have artillery.
7. Assholes who sleep outside are vulnerable to the elements. Caves are the same temperature all-year round.
6. All of the gold and treasure is buried deep in mountains. That's undisputed fact. Who lives deep in mountains? Not fucking Legolas.
5. Some dwarf women may have beards, but at least they shave their armpits.
4. You know why the Mormons live in Utah? Because there was a time when they were even less popular than they are now, so much so that the military was sent after them, and it's tough as hell for any army to mount an assault on a mountain. When Cthulu shows up to eat everyone, the refugees aren't going to Rivendell or the Keeblers' tree or Santa's Workshop. They'll be knocking on the front door of Fort Big-Fucking-Mountain.
3. All the great men of history had facial hair. Jesus. Abe Lincoln. John Rhys-Davies. All of them.
2. You think Snow White would've put up with seven of them if they didn't know what they were doing? Face facts. Dwarves fuck like body doubles. No substitute.
1. Orlando Bloom will never play a dwarf.
3 comments:
Ooof... Hey, Mick. You do know in the Grimm's Fairy Tales, the Dwarves raped Snow White right?
Well...now I do.
@Scott's comment:
WHAT a load of rubbish! In none of the versions of Brothers Grimm's "Snee witt" (orig. Low German title) did the dwarves sexually harass Snow White nor have actually sex with her.
You are probably thinking of one of the late filty Porn movies.
Don't just believe this BS without any references.
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