10. Super freezers - the cold equivalent of the microwave. In every household, you've got a thing you can stick stuff in to instantly freeze it. Of course, the huge ice-cube producing corporations will never let it happen.
9. Holodecks.
8. Time Machines.
7. Computers I can have conversations with.
6. Cybernetic limbs. I don't want to lose a limb to get a robot arm, but if I do lose a limb, it will be a nice bit of compensation. Losing an arm in a car accident would be horrible, but if my new arm is super-strong and I can shoot missiles out of it, it'll help with the grieving process.
5. Toilets that wipe me.
4. Laser guns. Now come on, how fucking long do we have to wait for this? it doesn't have to be actual lasers. I don't care if they're lasers, phasers, protons, neutrons, whatever. As long as it's hand-held and shoots glowy shit that blows stuff up, we're good.
3. Electro shooters. I have always wanted to shoot lightning. I've always loved heroes and villains that can do it. Zeus, Electro, Raiden from Mortal Kombat, the lightning dude from Big Trouble in Little China, the fat dude who shot electric bolts in The Running Man, all of 'em. I need it. Gimme my lightning!
2. Space elevator. Dude, they actually want to do this! I'm totally gonna be at the bottom, shaking the fucker.
1. Pleasure bots. You know you want it too.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why Samurai Are Better Than Jedi
10. If a samurai is told to guard the princess, he guards the princess. If a jedi is told to guard the princess, he tries to get laid, goes to visit his Mom, slaughters a village, and tries to get laid by telling the princess he slaughtered a village.
9. When a samurai loses a limb, it means something. When a jedi loses a limb, it means he has to visit a robot and borrow a glove from O.J. Simpson.
8. Without samurai, countless works of fiction and art would be lost. Without jedi, three okay movies, three crappy movies, a bunch of action figures, and some really shitty fan-fiction would be lost.
7. If you wanted to wipe out all the samurai, it would take more than a "shoot them while they're not looking" strategy to do the job.
6. Jedi are religious fanatics. Samurai just want to kill you.
5. Revenge of the Sith - Yoda vs. Count Dooku? You'll never laugh while a samurai's kicking your ass.
4. The samurai class wasn't exactly all-inclusive. But at least membership wasn't determined by the amount of bacteria in your blood.
3. Jedi are passive-aggressive. They carry laser-swords that can cut through anything and begin their training in how to kill when they're toddlers, but call themselves "peacemakers." Samurai want to kill you, love to kill you, and will tell you so.
2. When a samurai fucks up, he kills himself. When a jedi fucks up, he replaces all his body parts with toasters, becomes a ghost to haunt all the jedi who didn't fuck up, or falls back on voice-acting for cartoons.
1. George Lucas has nothing to do with samurai.
9. When a samurai loses a limb, it means something. When a jedi loses a limb, it means he has to visit a robot and borrow a glove from O.J. Simpson.
8. Without samurai, countless works of fiction and art would be lost. Without jedi, three okay movies, three crappy movies, a bunch of action figures, and some really shitty fan-fiction would be lost.
7. If you wanted to wipe out all the samurai, it would take more than a "shoot them while they're not looking" strategy to do the job.
6. Jedi are religious fanatics. Samurai just want to kill you.
5. Revenge of the Sith - Yoda vs. Count Dooku? You'll never laugh while a samurai's kicking your ass.
4. The samurai class wasn't exactly all-inclusive. But at least membership wasn't determined by the amount of bacteria in your blood.
3. Jedi are passive-aggressive. They carry laser-swords that can cut through anything and begin their training in how to kill when they're toddlers, but call themselves "peacemakers." Samurai want to kill you, love to kill you, and will tell you so.
2. When a samurai fucks up, he kills himself. When a jedi fucks up, he replaces all his body parts with toasters, becomes a ghost to haunt all the jedi who didn't fuck up, or falls back on voice-acting for cartoons.
1. George Lucas has nothing to do with samurai.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Top 10 Best Jobs
10. Dinosaur Hunter. No one can call you a slacker. You're going to have to work damn hard to take out dinosaurs because there aren't any left, which is why you'll never find one. So you never have to face the danger inherent in hunting dinosaurs. Regardless, people will still be impressed when you tell them you're a Dinosaur Hunter. Especially chicks.
9. Security at Christian Rock concerts. Everyone's well-behaved and on the off-chance that there are a few trouble makers, physical force will rarely be necessary. Just tell them Jesus doesn't want them stage-diving. Of course, you have to hear the music, but I don't see how that's any worse than working a concert for Third Eye Blind or Carly Simon.
8. Jesus. The biggest downside is imminent death, but you get plenty of reboots. Even if you refuse to show up to work for thousands of years, you won't get fired. Your customers will keep busy talking about how they know you'll be back at work soon. And if anyone says different, you get to fuck with them after they die.
7. Batman. You're rich. You get to beat people up. You get to boss around other super-heroes. Your boss doesn't even have your phone number, he has to flash a light in the sky. You can chill for a few weeks and just say you were lost in time or in another dimension. You can justify one-night stands by revealing your identity and telling the chicks that if you let them move in, the Joker will kill them.
6. Professional Uncle. The kids have more fun with you than with their parents, you don't have to give them as much shit as their grandparents do, and you have absolutely no responsibility whatsoever regarding their well-being other than making sure you don't say "fuck" around them too many times.
5. Manager for Menudo. All your clients are dumb-ass kids who think that your 75% cut of all their record sales isn't that big a deal, and you never have to explain why you're firing them.
4. Gene Shallot. You absolutely love EVERY. MOVIE. EVER. MADE. And no one cares that you look like Rip Taylor if Rip Taylor looked more like the clown from IT.
3. Camera man for Survivor. You spend most of your time with hot, sweaty chicks dressed in next to nothing. Of course, no one has a better lunch break than you. You get your foot-long meatball sub, bag of chips, and ice-cold diet soda, and swallow it all down five feet from the contestants with a shit-eating grin, only stopping the nonstop shoveling of food into your mouth to occasionally to give the pathetic, desperate contestants two strong middle fingers.
2. Oil executive. In spite of your negligible profits, you are able to make just enough money to live comfortably while helping the environment and offering an important resource to consumers at ridiculously low prices.
1. American Ambassador to Australia. Tropical environment, good money, you get to say you're an ambassador, and you don't really have to do anything. When have you ever read in the paper, "Tensions mounting between Washington and Sydney"?
9. Security at Christian Rock concerts. Everyone's well-behaved and on the off-chance that there are a few trouble makers, physical force will rarely be necessary. Just tell them Jesus doesn't want them stage-diving. Of course, you have to hear the music, but I don't see how that's any worse than working a concert for Third Eye Blind or Carly Simon.
8. Jesus. The biggest downside is imminent death, but you get plenty of reboots. Even if you refuse to show up to work for thousands of years, you won't get fired. Your customers will keep busy talking about how they know you'll be back at work soon. And if anyone says different, you get to fuck with them after they die.
7. Batman. You're rich. You get to beat people up. You get to boss around other super-heroes. Your boss doesn't even have your phone number, he has to flash a light in the sky. You can chill for a few weeks and just say you were lost in time or in another dimension. You can justify one-night stands by revealing your identity and telling the chicks that if you let them move in, the Joker will kill them.
6. Professional Uncle. The kids have more fun with you than with their parents, you don't have to give them as much shit as their grandparents do, and you have absolutely no responsibility whatsoever regarding their well-being other than making sure you don't say "fuck" around them too many times.
5. Manager for Menudo. All your clients are dumb-ass kids who think that your 75% cut of all their record sales isn't that big a deal, and you never have to explain why you're firing them.
4. Gene Shallot. You absolutely love EVERY. MOVIE. EVER. MADE. And no one cares that you look like Rip Taylor if Rip Taylor looked more like the clown from IT.
3. Camera man for Survivor. You spend most of your time with hot, sweaty chicks dressed in next to nothing. Of course, no one has a better lunch break than you. You get your foot-long meatball sub, bag of chips, and ice-cold diet soda, and swallow it all down five feet from the contestants with a shit-eating grin, only stopping the nonstop shoveling of food into your mouth to occasionally to give the pathetic, desperate contestants two strong middle fingers.
2. Oil executive. In spite of your negligible profits, you are able to make just enough money to live comfortably while helping the environment and offering an important resource to consumers at ridiculously low prices.
1. American Ambassador to Australia. Tropical environment, good money, you get to say you're an ambassador, and you don't really have to do anything. When have you ever read in the paper, "Tensions mounting between Washington and Sydney"?
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Top 10 Stupid Things I Don't Believe In
10. Ghosts. Exactly what is the motivation here? You die and decide to stay in the same damn spot for the rest of eternity so that...what? So some assholes in t-shirts from the sci-fi channel can claim they have a recording of you whispering "Justine?" Maybe I'm silly, but I think even shallow people would want more out of their afterlives.
9. The Predictions of Nostradamus. Just come on, man. Just come on.
8. Predictions and/or guidance based on astrological signs. Oh gee, what does it say today for my sign? Oh! Today's an important day for me financially? Really? On a work day in a capitalist society? Who'd'a thunk?
7. The Macbeth curse. This one might be a little obscure. People who work in theater often adhere to the superstitious rule that they must never say "Macbeth" in a theater (unless, of course, they're actually performing Macbeth). Supposedly, saying the word can lead to deadly accidents during productions. Instead, theater folk will refer to the tragedy as "The Scottish Play" while at their place of work. I found this out while working at a production of Hello, Dolly! as a stagehand and carpenter. An electrician and another stagehand were talking about working on something called "The Scottish Play." Their references to the play sounded very familiar, and I asked them if they were talking about Macbeth. The response was a loud series of "DUDE!"'s from the assembled stagehands, electricians, and actors, who quickly explained the curse and the seriousness of my crime. This was an outdoor theater, and my brother - the technical director - explained I had to walk to the nearby lake, spin around three times, spit over my shoulder, get on my knees and beg the fates' forgiveness. Instead, I ran through the dressing rooms, grabbing actors and saying things like, "Excuse me, I'd like large fries and a Big Macbeth." No deaths occurred.
6. The Force. If anything conceived in George Lucas's mind ever proves to have any validity, I'll eat my own dick.
5. Government conspiracies. Ever watched C-Span? These fucking people hardly even know where they are half the time. They couldn't organize a fucking square dance, much less a multi-layered, secret conspiracy.
4. The bad luck/evil associated with the number 13. Believe me, I'd KILL to be 13 again. I'm almost 34, I hate that number more than 13.
3. Breast Augmentation. I just choose to believe they're real. Makes my world brighter.
2. The claim that Pink Floyd wrote The Dark Side of the Moon so it would sync perfectly with The Wizard of Oz. I've tried it guys. I've done the experiment. No, they DON'T go together. I know you thought they did, because you were high. If you weren't high, you wouldn't give a fuck about it. You've got no foothold here guys. Move on.
1. Leprechauns. Why would they keep their pot of gold at the end of a rainbow? Then everyone would have a trail leading right to it. That's just stupid.
9. The Predictions of Nostradamus. Just come on, man. Just come on.
8. Predictions and/or guidance based on astrological signs. Oh gee, what does it say today for my sign? Oh! Today's an important day for me financially? Really? On a work day in a capitalist society? Who'd'a thunk?
7. The Macbeth curse. This one might be a little obscure. People who work in theater often adhere to the superstitious rule that they must never say "Macbeth" in a theater (unless, of course, they're actually performing Macbeth). Supposedly, saying the word can lead to deadly accidents during productions. Instead, theater folk will refer to the tragedy as "The Scottish Play" while at their place of work. I found this out while working at a production of Hello, Dolly! as a stagehand and carpenter. An electrician and another stagehand were talking about working on something called "The Scottish Play." Their references to the play sounded very familiar, and I asked them if they were talking about Macbeth. The response was a loud series of "DUDE!"'s from the assembled stagehands, electricians, and actors, who quickly explained the curse and the seriousness of my crime. This was an outdoor theater, and my brother - the technical director - explained I had to walk to the nearby lake, spin around three times, spit over my shoulder, get on my knees and beg the fates' forgiveness. Instead, I ran through the dressing rooms, grabbing actors and saying things like, "Excuse me, I'd like large fries and a Big Macbeth." No deaths occurred.
6. The Force. If anything conceived in George Lucas's mind ever proves to have any validity, I'll eat my own dick.
5. Government conspiracies. Ever watched C-Span? These fucking people hardly even know where they are half the time. They couldn't organize a fucking square dance, much less a multi-layered, secret conspiracy.
4. The bad luck/evil associated with the number 13. Believe me, I'd KILL to be 13 again. I'm almost 34, I hate that number more than 13.
3. Breast Augmentation. I just choose to believe they're real. Makes my world brighter.
2. The claim that Pink Floyd wrote The Dark Side of the Moon so it would sync perfectly with The Wizard of Oz. I've tried it guys. I've done the experiment. No, they DON'T go together. I know you thought they did, because you were high. If you weren't high, you wouldn't give a fuck about it. You've got no foothold here guys. Move on.
1. Leprechauns. Why would they keep their pot of gold at the end of a rainbow? Then everyone would have a trail leading right to it. That's just stupid.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why The South Won't Rise Again
10. The prospect is far too labor intensive. I'm not saying Southerners are lazy. It's just that the Southern male population has at least 3 guys dedicated just as drummers to each Southern Rock band. They just don't have the manpower.
9. Well, in order to rise again, they would have to have risen previously, and according to my history books, they kinda fucked that up.
8. Gas prices. With most areas charging at least $4/gallon, do you have any idea how much it would cost to fuel that many pick-up trucks all the way past the Mason-Dixon Line?
7. Most of the Southerners willing to rebel against the North are busy either organizing Civil War re-enactments or writing Southern Revisionist histories about how the Civil War was actually about States' Rights, rock candy, aliens, highway taxes, censorship, litter laws, fire safety, Glen Danzig, etc., etc.
6. In spite of of the fact that we fought a war just so we would never have to listen to Southerners again, a ridiculously large percentage of recent American Presidents have come from the South. I don't think they'd be willing to give up that irony. Bastards.
5. Have you ever been in a check-out line in the South? They move like old people fuck. If they ever decided to rebel against the North, by the time they got organized, the Chinese would already have taken over North America, ruled for 1,000 years, and been deposed by the Martians.
4. All of the television and movies come from the North. This would leave Southerners to the mercy of reading.
3. Best case scenario for the South - they would win, but they wouldn't be the South anymore. They'd just be them. Then they couldn't annoy the rest of us anymore about Southern Hospitality, Southern Cuisine, or any of that other Southern bullshit.
2. They'd be able to put their Nazi flag back on their state capitals, and thus would no longer have anything left to complain about.
1. So what if they do? Fuck them and the sister they rode in on.
9. Well, in order to rise again, they would have to have risen previously, and according to my history books, they kinda fucked that up.
8. Gas prices. With most areas charging at least $4/gallon, do you have any idea how much it would cost to fuel that many pick-up trucks all the way past the Mason-Dixon Line?
7. Most of the Southerners willing to rebel against the North are busy either organizing Civil War re-enactments or writing Southern Revisionist histories about how the Civil War was actually about States' Rights, rock candy, aliens, highway taxes, censorship, litter laws, fire safety, Glen Danzig, etc., etc.
6. In spite of of the fact that we fought a war just so we would never have to listen to Southerners again, a ridiculously large percentage of recent American Presidents have come from the South. I don't think they'd be willing to give up that irony. Bastards.
5. Have you ever been in a check-out line in the South? They move like old people fuck. If they ever decided to rebel against the North, by the time they got organized, the Chinese would already have taken over North America, ruled for 1,000 years, and been deposed by the Martians.
4. All of the television and movies come from the North. This would leave Southerners to the mercy of reading.
3. Best case scenario for the South - they would win, but they wouldn't be the South anymore. They'd just be them. Then they couldn't annoy the rest of us anymore about Southern Hospitality, Southern Cuisine, or any of that other Southern bullshit.
2. They'd be able to put their Nazi flag back on their state capitals, and thus would no longer have anything left to complain about.
1. So what if they do? Fuck them and the sister they rode in on.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Top 10 Songs I Want Played At My Funeral
10. "Dead" by They Might Be Giants
9. "Forward to Death" by NoMeansNo (originally by the Dead Kennedys, but this version is funnier)
8. "Life Is Shit" by The Dead Milkmen
7. "Evil Will Prevail" by The Flaming Lips
6. "Last Caress" by The Misfits
5. "My Way" by Sid Vicious
4. "I Will Survive" by Cake.
3. "The Song You Hear When You Die" by Lemon Demon
2. "Short People" by Randy Newman
1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds
9. "Forward to Death" by NoMeansNo (originally by the Dead Kennedys, but this version is funnier)
8. "Life Is Shit" by The Dead Milkmen
7. "Evil Will Prevail" by The Flaming Lips
6. "Last Caress" by The Misfits
5. "My Way" by Sid Vicious
4. "I Will Survive" by Cake.
3. "The Song You Hear When You Die" by Lemon Demon
2. "Short People" by Randy Newman
1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I Play World of Warcraft
10. I started out playing it because my brother got into it, and with both of us busy at work and school, it was the only thing we could really do together. Of course now we both play on different servers and at different times.
9. The very concept of the MMORPG fascinates me. I remember playing a Spider-Man game on my old Sega Genesis – I think it was called “Maximum Carnage,” you switched between playing Spider-Man and playing Venom – and thinking “Wow, wouldn’t it be cool if you could play a super-hero in a video game in some kind of video game city, and there were tons of other people in the city playing super-heroes and you could help each other out,” etc. I’m not saying “Hey! That was my idea!” It was just something I think a lot of people who grew up with video games knew had to eventually happen. And now that it has, I’d feel cheated if I didn’t get to try it out just a little bit.
8. There’s nothing like telling a woman you play World of Warcraft. Sometimes I have to call security to pry them off me. If I show them my purple epics, forget about it.
7. There are so many fun miscommunications to be enjoyed. For example, in one area of the game there is a town called “Halaa” which players fight over. I was speaking with my guildmates over vent one day (vent is short for “Ventrillo” - a program that lets you talk to people with a mic and headset), and someone asked me where I was. I answered “Halaa.” My ex-girlfriend, at that time not yet an ex, was sitting behind me at her desk, and instead of hearing me say “Halaa” was concerned about my yelling “HOLLA’!” thinking I was going to a hip hop concert without her.
6. My friends on WoW rule. Except for Wenu. He’s a dick.
5. I can totally kill people and not get in trouble. Some of them I can even skin.
4. I used to play Dungeons & Dragons, and now I own a computer. It’s kind of a law. If I didn’t play it by last year, I would’ve had to pay more taxes or something.
3. I has a dragon.
2. I can be a stalwart, hardy dwarf without actually being short. Beat that!
1. It’s really, really addictive.
9. The very concept of the MMORPG fascinates me. I remember playing a Spider-Man game on my old Sega Genesis – I think it was called “Maximum Carnage,” you switched between playing Spider-Man and playing Venom – and thinking “Wow, wouldn’t it be cool if you could play a super-hero in a video game in some kind of video game city, and there were tons of other people in the city playing super-heroes and you could help each other out,” etc. I’m not saying “Hey! That was my idea!” It was just something I think a lot of people who grew up with video games knew had to eventually happen. And now that it has, I’d feel cheated if I didn’t get to try it out just a little bit.
8. There’s nothing like telling a woman you play World of Warcraft. Sometimes I have to call security to pry them off me. If I show them my purple epics, forget about it.
7. There are so many fun miscommunications to be enjoyed. For example, in one area of the game there is a town called “Halaa” which players fight over. I was speaking with my guildmates over vent one day (vent is short for “Ventrillo” - a program that lets you talk to people with a mic and headset), and someone asked me where I was. I answered “Halaa.” My ex-girlfriend, at that time not yet an ex, was sitting behind me at her desk, and instead of hearing me say “Halaa” was concerned about my yelling “HOLLA’!” thinking I was going to a hip hop concert without her.
6. My friends on WoW rule. Except for Wenu. He’s a dick.
5. I can totally kill people and not get in trouble. Some of them I can even skin.
4. I used to play Dungeons & Dragons, and now I own a computer. It’s kind of a law. If I didn’t play it by last year, I would’ve had to pay more taxes or something.
3. I has a dragon.
2. I can be a stalwart, hardy dwarf without actually being short. Beat that!
1. It’s really, really addictive.
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