10. Satanists believe in God. They just don't like Him. Does that make Satanism a Christian denomination?
9. Fellatio is often referred to as "sucking," which actually happens during the act. Cunnilingus is often referred to as "eating," which - unless you're weirder than me - doesn't happen during the act. Are women more literal than men? Is this a result of a patriarchal society, i.e., does a man feel emasculated by pleasuring a woman and so comes up with a word to describe it that sounds like he's devouring her? Are men just incapable of considering anything that they do with their mouths separate from food?
8. The guys on the show Car Talk bother me in different ways, but mainly what irks me is their theme music. It's this twangy, banjo-y thing. That bothers me. They both sound like they're from the northeast. And they're talking about cars. And cars are machines. And twangy banjos don't usually conjure up images of technology, except for maybe whatever machines are used to make moonshine. There's just no connection. There's no reason for the banjos. It bothers me, even more than how annoying those two bastards are on their own.
7. If it's true that you are what you eat, and if it's true that whenever you have sex with someone you're having sex with every person they've ever had sex with, then if I kill a prostitute and eat her body, am I performing cunnilingus on every man she's every slept with? And if so, does that make me gay?
6. If ignorance is bliss, if eating from the Tree of Knowledge got Adam and Eve kicked out of Paradise, and we're all trying to get back to Paradise, does that mean going to Heaven makes you stupid?
5. People watch Ellen. Why?
4. Why is it that whenever some archaeologist finds something that dates back to the time of Jesus, everyone thinks it belonged to Jesus? Weren't there other people around when Jesus was around? I think there were. Otherwise, who were all those assholes who followed him around and mooched fish and wine off him?
3. Why is it everyone who watches House, M.D. says that if they were in the hospital with a mysterious illness they would want House to treat them? Do they actually WATCH the fucking show? Do they think House would treat them differently for some reason? Do they think they have some special knowledge about the human condition that House's keen intellect would spot, making him treat them with more sympathy? Do they think they're kindred spirits with House? Do they not realize that the first time the limping bastard hooked a car battery up to their genitals in order to test their liver function that they'd be begging to get transferred to St. Elsewhere? Or even the ER from Scrubs?
2. Why is it Ghost Hunters never record the barely audible sound of a ghost whispering, "Dude. Being a ghost sucks"?
1. Was it really that tough saying "Kentucky Fried Chicken?" Really? I mean, really?
5 comments:
Re: #5- I used to think Ellen was really really stupid UNTIL I was forced to watch her show at Mike's grandparents house. I found myself laughing out loud several times, and that angered me. I wanted to not like her. But her talkshow is really funny, in a (dare I say it) Conan sort of way. And I'm not one of those people who are easily amused.
I thought Ellen was funny as hell when she did stand-up. And I thought she was a damn good host for the Oscars.
But once she starts dancing, it's a deal-breaker. One day I'm going to write a top 10 list of "things that make me so mad I could punch a baby" and Ellen dancing will be on the list.
Ok yes, I agree. The dancing is annoying. But her improv & gags are really hysterical. What's even better, Mike's 91 year old grandma always points to the tv when she's on and says "Why does she always dress and sit like a man?"
#8 - The car talk guys are from Boston. There office is in Harvard Square.
#10 - there are a lot of Satanists in Salem and they really freak me out.
Really? Like REAL Satanists? Not just guys in black who hate their Moms?
Yeah, that's pretty freaky. I'd probably move.
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