10. I quit playing World of Warcraft. Specifically I quit WoW so I could devote more time to reading and writing. This was a good thing to do, but I miss the friends I made on WoW. And I miss the mindless gathering and grinding and questing. I've realized that without the ability to immediately log onto WoW when I wake up or get home from work, I am left to confront certain things that I didn't want to confront.
9. Reading. I maintain that quitting WoW in favor of reading and writing was a good decision. I'm writing more and reading a lot every day. It's particularly nice to be able to finish certain books that I've been meaning to finish forever. For example, I'd been reading Catch-22 for months - not because it's a difficult or bad read, but just because I'd allowed myself too much distraction from other things. I also just finished Jonathan Lethem's The Fortress of Solitude - a novel I had started and stopped reading three times (and don't ask me why, it's beautifully written). The bad part of this is, well, I think I may have figured out one of the many reasons why I stopped reading - because good books and stories tend to be goddamned depressing. For example, while I've been reading novels I've also been reading a short story anthology my brother got me for Christmas - The Best American Short Stories of the Twentieth Century. Apparently, the best American short stories of the 20th century are all goddamned depressing. The last story I read ends with a father, his son, his nephew, and his dog drowning in freezing water. The story before that - "Greenleaf" by Flannery O'Connor (should've known better than to think I'd find shiny happiness in an O'Connor tale) ends with the main character skewered and trampled to death by a bull. Another one ends with two young brothers freezing to death in a barn. And then there's the one that ends with a mother and her son watching each other get brutally murdered by a racist lynch mob. And if they don't end in horrific death, they end with a romantic relationship being destroyed, a potential romantic relationship getting nipped in the bud (considering the events of my life this past year, these two story elements are particularly stinging to me), or a relationship that had been romantic but whose fire has long since been snuffed continuing indefinitely even though it's torture for those involved. They're good stories, they've got me writing, but Jesus Christ now I know why I write about super-heroes. They're more fun. They have super strength. And lasers.
8. I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. Yes. Again. And yes, I'm very, very happy about that.
7. Well, let's face it, it's been a tough year. Particularly in the relationship department. Thoughts of "I will be miserable and alone forever" invade my thoughts. And again, The Best American Short Stories of the Twentieth Century don't help. Maybe they have a "Worst" edition where everyone lives happily ever after in each story. And thinking about such a collection makes me think that if everyone really does live happily ever after in a story, it's probably either a fairy tale or porn. I wonder if they have a Best Porn collection. Edited by John Updike. Illustrations by Jack Kirby.
6. The number 6 bothers me. It always has.
5. I busted my ass for four years to get a degree - working long, lonely nights in a shitty neighborhood - to not only work in the same job in the same shitty neighborhood, but to actually move into that shitty neighborhood.
4. I have things I need to work on. Goals that need to be accomplished. And I can accomplish them, and will. I know that. And I know that the interim will be lonely, and I don't know how to handle that.
3. I quit WoW to work on my writing. This is a good thing. It worked. I'm writing again. But it has recently occurred to me that my ultimate goal in life - to be a professional fiction writer - will bring with it things that I am not so sure I like. Isolation and loneliness. Writing is an isolated activity. It's not something I can do with someone looking over my shoulder. It's not something I can do while joking with co-workers. In fact, there are no co-workers. And for the first time I find myself wondering if maybe I could do something else with my life, to avoid that loneliness. I know I don't want anything else, and I guess I'm having trouble making peace with that.
2. My ex-girlfriend Nicole was right about one thing at least. My town is a big bucket of suck. I can't find anything here. I wrack my brain to find a place where I can hang out and meet like-minded people, and come up short. All the bars are choked either with college students or people who would probably like to kill me. I can't even find a writing workshop group.
1. This list suffers from a complete lack of funny. Sorry about that. I'm working on finding the funny again. It's tough. I plan to download every single version of "Astro Zombies" I can find on itunes and beyond. That might help.
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