My Top 10 Predictions for 2009

10. Before the end of the year, the new president will say something that will make white people indignant. It will be the same kind of thing that, if said by white people about someone else, would "just be a bit of fun and why do you folks take yourselves so seriously?"

9. Stephen King will release at least one novel, and at least one of the novels released will feature a main character who happens to be a professional writer. From Maine.

8. Hulk will smash everybody. Again.

7. The ratings for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report will plummet.

6. Less people will believe in the Tooth Fairy. I mean Jesus.

5. The ratings for The O'Reilly Factor will soar.

4. Someone will give Dennis Miller another shot at his own talk show. There will be less than six episodes.

3. One of the new popular hand-held gizmos (iphone, kindle, etc.) will fail en masse. The death of the hand-held gizmo will be heralded by all. All will be wrong.

2. A Universal Health Care bill will be introduced in Congress. It will narrowly fail.

1. Glen Danzig will find this blog and respond to one of the posts angrily. I may need a lawyer.

Top 10 Things I Want To Do In 2009

10. Not smoke.

9. Lose Weight.

8. Get a new computer.

7. Get a car.

6. Get a new job.

5. Pay off my debt.

4. Drink more alcohol on a regular basis.

3. Read more books than, like, all of you.

2. Move in with my girlfriend.

1. Write a novel.

P.S. Oh yeah, and update the blog more regularly. Heh.

Top 10 Best Christmas Songs

10. "Oh Holy Night" by Cartman

9. "Santa Has A Mullet" by Nerf Herder

8. "A Gun For Christmas" by The Vandals

7. "Hooray For Santa Claus" by Sloppy Seconds

6. "Homo Christmas" by Pansy Division

5. "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)" by The Ramones

4. "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" by New Bomb Turks

3. "Oi To The World" by The Vandals

2. "Fuck Christmas" by Eric Idle

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

Top 10 Things I Love About Christmas

10. Time off from work or, alternatively, holiday pay.

9. Cartman's version of "Oh Holy Night".

8. I regard my celebration of Christmas much in the same way I regard being an uncle. I'm not a Christian, but I still celebrate Christmas and so don't worry about whether or not I'm paying attention to what Christmas is really all about. It's just like being an uncle. All of the fun. None of the responsibility.

7. Chucking snowballs at Carolers. If they can't sing under duress, fuck 'em. They shouldn't be in the field.

6. The fact that my psycho ex-girlfriend is now my psycho ex-girlfriend, and so I no longer have to take 5 planes and 6 buses and 3 car rides every other Christmas to whatever middle-of-fucking-nowhere place her family is gathering to show how much they don't like being around each other.

5. I don't watch TV, and so don't have to deal with It's a Wonderful Life! Fuck you, movie house.

4. Waiting on the roof with a shotgun. I'll get that bastard one of these years.

3. Occasionally really hitting one out of the park gift-giving wise. Like, my Dad is really tough to buy gifts for. He's a perfect example of the kind of person I mentioned in yesterday's list. I always used to ask him what he wanted, he always told me I didn't have to get him anything, I always got him something anyway, and while he tried to hide it I could tell he was always disappointed. One year, though, I tried extra hard to find something he'd like. No more cologne or ties or anything like that. I got him Todd McFarlane-designed action figures of The Beatles. They were modeled after the animated Beatles from that Yellow Submarine cartoon, and I could tell he really dug them. That was a first, and unfortunately, so far, a last.

2. Now that I have two beautiful nephews, I get to enjoy watching them go nuts over Christmas in a way I just can't anymore.

1. Free shit.

Top 10 Things I Hate About Christmas

10. The fact that everything that happens around Christmas has to be about Christmas. All the fucking music is Christmas music. All the parties are Christmas parties. All the food is Christmas-y food. A blizzard hits town that blacks out a large part of the region, closes businesses, and maybe even causes a few deaths, "Well gee, it's gettin' to look a lot like CHRISS-MUSS! Yuk yuk!" Even the porn is Christmas-themed. It's lame.

9. The fact that it's in winter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a winter-hater. There are good sides and bad sides to it. But why couldn't we change our schedule so that the time of year that everyone is driving around madly to buy gifts for family and friends, get food for Christmas dinners and Christmas parties, and all around just do Christmas-y stuff, is NOT the one time of year that you should keep your fucking car in the fucking driveway?

8. Shopping malls. These places suck when you aren't getting shoved around by maddened parents trying to find the hot toy item that's sold out everywhere. Being in a very lack-of-fundage place this year, I have opted to try more alternative Christmas gifts of the I-Made-This variety, and thankfully for the first time in many years I have completely avoided both of the humungo-shopping-malls in my area. I plan to keep it that way until we're all done with celebrating the birth of a fictional hippie by maxing out credit cards on wii's and blue ray discs.

7. The fact that I'm the smartest person in the world when it comes to gift-giving and no one appreciates it. Mind you, I'm not talking about ME giving gifts, I'm talking about people giving gifts TO me. I used to send out mass e-mails every year telling people, "If you are going to get me something, get me THIS." I did this because whenever I ask anyone what they want for Christmas, they always respond with, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything!" No. I don't. But I'm going to. You know I'm going to. So just cut the shit, and fucking tell me what the fuck you fucking want. You will save me a lot of trouble and time and money. So, I used to try to tell people exactly what I wanted to help them out, and this was considered as brazen and selfish. So now I have to be a coy bastard like everyone else. It's annoying.

6. That Beatles song. Not the "feel guilty about starving Africans while you're sucking on candy canes" song, but the "REAL-LEE. HAV-ING. A wonderful Christmas time!" song. "Really having a wonderful Christmas time?" Wow, there's that vaunted Beatles poetry for ya. I prefered "This Thanksgiving Was Okay," and "No, I Had Fun On Halloween, I Swear. Really", but it's definitely better than "Easter Was Kinda Cool, But I Had The Shits".

5. Salvation Army folks in front of stores. Not that they aren't doing good work, they are. But I just can't afford to give anything and it makes me feel bad.

4. Kids following me around trying to give me their Christmas lists. What the fuck? I fucking broadcast my PO Box all over the place. But nnnooooo... they want to deliver it in person and get a kiss on the cheek and make me eat their shitty little cookies.

3. No feats of strength at most parties.

2. Disturbing Christmas movies that try to come off as not being disturbing. Like that movie where the kid's dead father comes back to life as a snowman. Or those Tim Allen movies where Allen gives up his family to be Santa Claus. I mean, I did it for a few years because they paid me under the table and let me smoke in the workshop. But if I'd had a kid that would've been totally irresponsible.

1. The theme in Christmas movies, like one of the ones mentioned in #2, that it's BAD to let your kids think there's no Santa Claus. Seems to me we have enough things in our culture telling us it's bad to not believe in things we know aren't true. Just keep on chanting "Mission Accomplished" and tell yourself the economy's fine. See how far that gets you, dickwad.

Top 10 Reasons Why Lord of the Rings Is Better Than Star Wars

10. I am fairly certain that neither J.R.R. Tolkien nor Peter Jackson had the motto "Blue Screen Solves Every Problem" tattooed to their asses.

To be fair, the special effects of the original Star Wars films were revolutionary for their time. That's part of the irony. I feel very strongly that - in spite of the obvious improvements in special effects between the production of the original films and that of the prequels - the special effects of the original films worked better and were, in fact, more believable than those of the prequels.

I was particularly struck by this when they started heavily promoting Revenge of the Sith. Their first teaser trailer for Sith had very few clips from the film itself, and instead had clips from all the preceding films. In one part, you see Luke in the original film on Tattooine, looking at the planet's twin suns. In another, there was a shot from Attack of the Clones, with Darth Jr. on his speeder heading for the Sand People, and in the background - once again - you see the planet's two suns. The first shot looked like what it was supposed to look like - a guy staring at two suns. The latter shot looked like an asshole in front of blue screen.

In other words, the effects of the original Star Wars films, and those of Lord of the Rings, were there to do what special effects in films of the fantastic are supposed to do - suspend the viewers' disbelief and draw them into the fictional world. Whereas the CGI of the prequels was there to make you think "Wow! Cool CGI!"

9. Stories written by writers can be fun!

8. Most of the actors involved with Lord of the Rings went on to do more than cartoon voices and lame comic-book related Christopher-Guest-rip-off mockumentaries.

7. Lord of the Rings did not attempt to shove a faux Eastern religion down the throats of its audience.

6. When villains in Lord of the Rings get burnt all to shit by lava, they actually die.

5. When Gandalf found a race of goofy diminutives, they didn't try to eat him.

4. As far as I know, no principal characters in Lord of the Rings - in either the books or the films - french kissed their sisters.

3. Christopher Lee played a villain in both film franchises, but in Lord of the Rings he wasn't given a name that toddlers use to describe SHIT.

2. No Jar Jar.

1. The books are better. The movies are better. Simple as that.

Top 10 Reasons Why The Incredible Hulk Should Have Been In Lord of the Rings

10. Hulk jumps = much shorter trip to Mordor.

9. Hulk vs. Sauron. Hulk wins.

8. The siege of Gondor. Hulk has shrugged off bullets, tank shells, missiles, and nuclear blasts. I don't think a bunch of swords and spears and punk rock elephants would've posed much of a challenge.

7. Hulk vs. Balrog. Hulk wins.

6. Hulk is cool. Dwarves are cool. Dwarves and Hulk would totally get along. So the orcs and the balrog would never have taken over Moria because the Hulk would've smashed them all. The Fellowship would've arrived at Moria to much alcohol and meat. And advances from short women with beards. Problem solved. Though dwarf syphilis would run rampant.

5. Would give the Hulk another chance to beat the shit out of Iron Man. This would not have helped the Fellowship, but I would've enjoyed it.

4. Hulk vs. Legolas. Hulk wins. Shield-surfing scene never happens.

3. Hulk could've brought along She-Hulk, which would've helped stem all the gay jokes about the sausage party Fellowship.

2. Hulk would've smashed the ship that brought Gandalf, the elves, and Frodo to the Grey Havens. Then he would've realized this would mean he'd have to hang out with the elves more. Then he would've smashed the elves. The lack of elves would cancel Christmas, which would do away with a capitalist holiday that causes more harm than good.

1. The Ring corrupts through the promise of power. If you gave The Ring to Hulk, it would be like using casual sex to tempt a rock star. The Hulk is already the strongest one there is, and so the Ring would have no effect.

Top 10 Worst Discrepancies Between the Lord of the Rings Books And Films

10. The savage men of Rohan. Now these guys were in the film, but for the life of me, I have no idea why. There's a scene that shows them swearing fealty to Saruman, and he gives them a big speech to get them all fired up. And then they proceed to have pretty much nothing to do with the unfolding story. In the books, the savage men fight on the side of the orcs at Helm's Deep, and afterwards they actually make peace with Theoden after years of conflict, and you're made to think it's a pretty significant moment in Rohan's history. But none of that was in the film, so I just don't get why they were in it at all, other than to give Peter Jackson yet another cameo. Not a huge complaint, but I think it was an example of where Jackson and co. failed to either shit or get off the pot.

9. Balin and Gloin. Gloin and Balin were two of the dwarves that accompanied Bilbo on his journeys in The Hobbit. While Gloin is not mentioned during the film version of The Council of Elrond (except when Elrond says "Gimli, son of Gloin"), in the books he is one of the dwarves in the Council (and actually has a lot more dialogue in that scene than Gimli), and since Gimli is accompanied by other anonymous dwarves in the film scene, it's likely one of those faceless shorties is supposed to be Gloin. Balin is the dead dwarf whose tomb the Fellowship finds in Moria. And in the book, it is made clear that a couple of Bilbo's other former companions died in Moria (unless I'm mistaken, the journal Gandalf reads from mentions one of them being killed by the big octopus thing in the water at the entrance). The fact that these characters actually played significant parts in the story preceding Fellowship, and therefore the story of the Ring itself, and that this connection isn't mentioned at all, is a little disappointing, especially since we do see both Gimli and Gandalf clearly upset about Balin's death. Not a huge complaint, but just a little disappointing.

8. Merry, Pippin, and Gimli. I think the respective actors playing these roles did fine jobs. Still, I was disappointed that all three basically became nothing but comic relief in the films. I have less of a complaint with Gimli, because honestly in the books his character is no more distinguishable from that of any other dwarf than Legolas's is from any other elf, but Merry and Pippin have a bit more going for them. But in the films they pretty much became R2D2 and C3P0. One thing people who haven't read the books might be surprised to learn, for example, is the manner in which they join Frodo on his journeys is a lot different in Tolkien's version. As I mentioned in yesterday's list, in the books there's a span of twenty years between the time Bilbo leaves the Shire and when Frodo leaves the Shire. And Frodo takes a LOT of time to prepare for his journey. Specifically, he does a lot of things to hide the fact that he's leaving on a journey, and he buys a house closer to the borders of the Shire to help explain his absence from Bag End. Merry and Pippin are brought along just to help him move initially, but eventually they figure out what's going on and volunteer to help get Frodo to Rivendell. It's a lot different from just having them tag along after nearly tumbling into a pile of horse shit.

7. Saruman's death (or lack thereof). While we get to see Saruman bite the big one in the extended version of Return of the King, he's completely absent from the theatrical version. And that just plain sucked. He pretty much was the only major villain with an actual body that we got in the first two films, and we were just left hanging about what happened to him? Not to mention the fact that Pippin's discovery of the Palanthir makes no sense without Saruman's death scene. I mean, what the fuck are we supposed to think? Saruman was like all, "Dude, look at all that water! I'm pissed! I'm gonna throw stuff into it! Including the most powerful glowy thing I own! That'll show 'em!"

6. The wizards' staves. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I've read Lord of the Rings three times, and I never got any kind of sense that the wizards' staves were supposed to be the focus of their powers. I get that Jackson didn't want to have them doing things like shooting lasers and bolts of lightning, because that would look pretty cheesy. But still, these guys aren't wizards in the sense that Dungeons & Dragons magic-users are wizards. They aren't just normal guys who read a lot of freaky shit. They're basically demi-gods. Having their staves be some kind of center for their power made no sense to me.

5. The eagles. One thing that didn't come through as strongly in the movies as it did in the books was the idea that on Middle Earth animals are both sentient and intelligent. The result is that I think a lot of people didn't get the involvement of the eagles. When Gandalf talks to that little moth on top of Orthanc (Saruman's tower, where he was being held hostage), he isn't summoning the eagles for help, he's basically asking an old bud for a favor. And when the eagles show up at the end to kick some ring-wraith ass, Gandalf doesn't summon them, they show up on their own because they understand the gravity of the situation. But the way it was handled in the film made it look like they were just something Gandalf could summon any time he wanted to, which led to the question of why he didn't just have one of them carry the Ring to Mount Doom and drop the fucking thing in.

4. The broken staircase in Moria. A lot of people dug this scene. I didn't. It was okay up to a point, and led to the funny "NOT THE BEARD!" line from Gimli, but watching Aragorn and Frodo surf on a giant broken stone staircase just looked stupid to me.

3. Denethor. I just felt this guy wasn't handled with any sympathy. We never learn, for example, that Denethor was in possession of a Palanthir (the same swirly, crystal ball thing Saruman had), and that it was largely the Palanthir that drove him insane. Not to mention the fact that the responsibility he shoulders is pretty immense. It is basically the city he rules that stands between Middle Earth and absolute destruction. And as I mentioned before on another list, having Gandalf bonk him on the head with his staff was just so many kinds of dumb. I don't care how crazy he was. Every Gondorian soldier in sight would've skewered Gandalf's bearded ass if they had seen him do that.

2. Boromir. Sean Bean did a wonderful job, but he did a wonderful job with a character who was a pale imitation of Boromir. The Boromir of the books was flawed, definitely, but he was brave and was clearly shown to be one of the most powerful warriors of the Fellowship, maybe THE most powerful. The way he was handled in the film lets you know right off the bat that he's going to turn to the dark side. Yeah, he redeems himself in the end, but his death just doesn't seem to hold as much weight because you always knew it was going to happen. It's interesting to think about this when you watch the extended versions of Fellowship and Two Towers. A lot of the scenes that were cut were ones that showed Boromir in a much kinder light. For example, there's a scene in the extended Fellowship that shows the group right after Gandalf's "death" in Moria. They're sitting around in one of the elven tree stands in the forest, because the elves are arguing with Aragorn about whether or not to let them through. In the meantime, you see the assembled members of the group giving Frodo these sideways glances, and you get the idea that maybe they're secretly blaming Frodo for Gandalf's death. Boromir is the only one to say anything comforting to Frodo - "You carry a great burden, Frodo. Do not carry the weight of the dead." Likewise, towards the end of the film there's an argument between Boromir and Aragorn about where to bring the Ring, and for once Boromir actually starts making more sense than Aragorn. A flashback sequence was cut from Two Towers as well, in which we see - among other things - Boromir defending Faramir from their abusive, overbearing father. I understand why they were cut. I assume Jackson and co., strapped for time, felt they shouldn't invest so much in a character who wouldn't survive the first film. Still, as a Tolkien fan, it's a shame.

1. Legolas surfboarding on a shield down the steps of Helm's Deep while shooting orcs. Do I need to explain the stupid of this? Do I need to talk about the unfortunate influence Orlando Bloom's experience with a certain Disney franchise had on Lord of the Rings? I don't think so.

Top 10 Best Discrepancies Between the Lord of the Rings Books And Films

10. The absence of Tom Bombadil. Unlike a lot of Tolkien fans who read the books before the release of the films, I really couldn't have given two shits about this character's presence in the adaptation of Fellowship. The main reason for his exclusion seems fairly obvious. It's the same reason for the time discrepancy between the books and the films (for those who have never read the books, or maybe have read them but have forgotten, somewhere around twenty years are supposed to pass between the time of Bilbo's birthday party and when Frodo finally leaves the Shire with Sam, Merry, and Pippin). Jackson and co. were trying to create a sense of urgency. The hobbits have the ring - which basically puts a big honking target on their backs - and nine of the most dangerous creatures ever to walk middle-earth, the ring wraiths, are on their tail. Maintaining that desperate sense of urgency in a film would be next to impossible if you decide to stage a little interlude in which the hobbits hang out with some cheery fat guy who dances around forests and sings to trees. And while Bombadil seems important to the overall Tolkien mythology, when it comes to the actual story of the Ring, he's a pretty minor character. Even peripheral characters like Radagast the Brown, the Sackville Bagginses, and Glorfindel are more directly important to the story than fat ol' Tom.

9. The battle between the Rohirrim and the Worg riders in The Two Towers. There was no such fight in the book, and I was happy to see it in the film mainly because of another discrepancy. In the books, the Fellowship fight a ravenous pack of worgs right before they go into Moria. In fact, the presence of the worgs is one of the main reasons why they decide to brave Moria. Since that fight wasn't in the first film - and since they had little to nothing to do with the rest of the story - I was afraid that we wouldn't get any worgie goodness at all in any of the flicks (there were a few in Return of the King during the siege of Gondor, but not many).

8. The Council of Elrond. This scene, in the book, is long. Arguably, too long. Maybe. I don't know. Depends on your tastes. Definitely not the best written portion of the books. You find out a lot of cool stuff about what's going on in the world that isn't 100% directly relevant to the story. But if you're someone like me who enjoys learning about the peripheral stuff in Tolkien's world, it's pretty cool. But still, translated word-for-word on screen it wouldn't have worked. I mean, even if they cut half the stuff out it would've been too long. For example, one of the biggest differences between this scene in the book and the film is that in the book, neither Elrond nor anyone else summoned all these people to Rivendell. They all just kind of end up showing up at the same time for different reasons. Boromir's there because of a prophetic dream. The dwarves are there because Sauron's people have been knocking on their doors and trying to turn them to the dark side, while at the same time while they don't know exactly what's happened in Moria, they've lost contact with Moria and are worried about their fellow shorties. The way it's done in the film comes out much more smoothly. The one difference I'm not sure about is Bilbo's absence. Though his presence in the Council isn't really, really important or anything, it does show a lot about his character and his continued obsession with the ring when he volunteers to take the ring to Mordor himself.

7. Aerwyn. Her character is just a little blip on the screen in the books. I thought the long-distance love story turned out quite nicely, and her character simply meant a lot more in the films. I am glad that Jackson and co. didn't go as far as they originally intended, however. According to the behind-the-scenes stuff in the extended editions, Jackson actually filmed scenes in which Aerwyn showed up at Helm's Deep in The Two Towers with the rest of the elf contingent. That would've been going way too far. Plus, if Aerwyn had been at Helm's Deep, how would you explain her going away after being reunited with Aragorn? And if she didn't go away, how could you have that nice, gooey reunion in Minas Tirith at the end?

6. The Scouring of the Shire. I think this is another place where I differ with a lot of Tolkien fans. In the books, the four hobbits return to the Shire to learn that a bunch of evil humans have taken over the Shire and have essentially enslaved the populace. The leader of the humans is eventually revealed to be Saruman. Now, unlike Bombadil, I do think the Scouring is important to the story because the four hobbits are able to handle the situation without any "big folk" to help them, and it shows just how much they've changed since they left. It also shows that even their idyllic little slice of heaven could be corrupted by the evil that was threatening the rest of Middle Earth. Still, its absence in the films was necessary mainly for two reasons. First, after the siege of Gondor, the battle at the Black Gate, and the destruction of the Ring, "Riot in Hobbit Town" couldn't have seemed like anything BUT anticlimax. Second, dude, do you know how long I'd been holding in my pee by that point already? Forget it.

5. Bree. In the book, there's a lot more stuff that happens in Bree. There's this whole drama involving a guy who's basically been bribed by the ring wraiths, there's the story of how Sam gets his mule, a story about the innkeeper and his connection with Gandalf, and some of it is kind of neat. Still, the movie would've been something like a half hour longer with all of it in there. And there are a few things that happen in Bree in the books that are just plain stupid. For example, one of the hobbits (either Merry or Pippin, I forget which, though I think it's Merry) end up running into a couple of the ring wraiths, and they cast some spell on him that puts him to sleep...for no discernible reason. They don't follow him to his buddies once he wakes up, they just put him to sleep. Kind of makes you wonder why they didn't just cut the little shit in half. It's kind of silly. I never got that.

4. The love affair between Legolas and Boromir. I just always skipped that part of the books. Not trying to be narrow-minded, it was just icky. And I don't care if he's an elf, I don't see how he could have that many piercings down there.

3. All of Elrond's martial arts fights with Neo. I just never thought they were relevant. Figured they should make a whole separate movie for that.

2. How Tolkien told the stories of The Two Towers and Return of the King. In the books, Tolkien completely separates the stories once the Fellowship splits. So, for example, when you read The Two Towers, it starts off with Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn going after the Uruk-hai who captured Merry and Pippin, and the first half ends with the Battle of Helm's Deep. During that whole time, you never see or hear anything about Sam and Frodo. Then, the second half of the story starts with Sam and Frodo beginning their journey, and ends right after the fight with, um, the big spider whose name I'm forgetting and am too lazy to find out even though the books are, like, ten feet away from me, oh HELL, hold on...SHELOB! Heh, remembered before I even got to the books. Well, anyway, I guess it goes without saying, but having the movies unfold that way would have been pretty damn stupid. Though, I do think it worked very well in the books.

1. All the FUCKING singing. Yeah, there was some singing in the films. And there was a little bit more singing in the extended versions, but NEITHER had all the goddamned singing that's in the books. That, more than anything, should be enough to dissuade any Tolkien purists who think it should've been adapted word-for-word. If it had, it would've been a fucking musical.

Top 10 Reasons Why - Starting With Tomorrow's Post - The Lists For Each Week Will Be Based On A Single Theme

10. 'Cause. I wanna.

9. It makes it a lot easier to come up with ideas for lists. Believe it or not, sometimes at 5:30 in the morning I really don't have a lot of ideas about how to entertain my tasteful, discerning audience. If I can narrow it down to a single theme like "Science Fiction" or "Monkeys" or "Tits", I at least have something guiding me.

8. Gives me an excuse to change the banner each week.

7. I can put up periodic polls asking YOU, my loyal readers, what you would like to see as a theme! I will quickly discard the results of these polls, but you can at least express yourselves.

6. Makes me more marketable to The Man.

5. I can write all my lists on one day and just schedule them to post themselves later in the week. It's awesome. For example, this coming week's theme will be Lord of the Rings. So I already came up with the ideas for all 7 lists, then over the course of today I can write all those lists and set them up to automatically post one minute after midnight each day. It's like working a 7-day week in one day. I feel like a state worker.

4. Gives me more time in the morning for porn brushing my teeth.

3. Because I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

2. There really aren't any themes I can't work Hulk into.

1. There really aren't any themes I can't work porn brushing my teeth into.

Top 10 Ways To dsml sd kqeeejjjjjjjjjr

10. I should not be up this early.

9. Where am I?

8. Why is there no one else in this building and what the hell am I doing here?

7. who the thing

6. df44444444444444444444

5. No, no. I'm up.

4. Stop it.

3. You're not funny.

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Top 10 Ways To Skin A Boss

10. Lava.

9. Find out the address of the local chapter of the CSA - Cannibal Skinners of America. Give your boss the address, but don't tell him what it is. Just tell him there are a lot of people there who like it when you talk about yourself. For hours. Especially if you mainly talk about high school. Even though you're, like, 50.

8. Get a nice, secure hold right under the skin on his forehead, and then roll him down a hill. It'll be like peeling an apple. Except with blood. And a hill.

7. Get some secure restraints, duct tape, a private space, and a dull spoon. Make a weekend of it.

6. While he's asleep, sneak into his bedroom and whisper "Everyone knows you're not 25" in his ear. He'll jump out of his own skin and run screaming.

5. Skin him while he's asleep. If you can't get him to stay asleep or go to sleep, use a simple trap. Put a picture of naked, genetically enhanced tits inside a book. Any book. After looking at the tits for 3 hours, he will get curious about the book, read a few sentences, and fall into a deep coma from the strain. You can set off a nuke next to his head and he'll keep snoring.

4. Do #5, but set the book down in the middle of his lawn. Then, get the mower.

3. Really hot coffee.

2. Bear.

1. Ninja.

My Top 10 Favorite Things About Being Me

10. When drunk, I am surprisingly coherent and eloquent. I'm still a slurring, clumsy monkey, but you'll never meet a smarter drunk who's hitting on your Mom or breaking furniture.

9. Apparently, people who see me but don't know me get the impression that I'm some big, tough guy. I'm totally not, but I look like I ate a Hell's Angel, and it's kept me safe in relatively unsafe neighborhoods.

8. Everyone wants to have sex with me. I understand. It's cool. It's a lot of pressure, but I can handle it.

7. My rich, developed imagination takes me to fantastic worlds of wonder and majesty. I don't even need porn.

6. My musical taste is better than yours.

5. My name. It's cool. It took me a long time to appreciate it, and substitute teachers' roll calls didn't help, but I'm cool with it now. And it totally contributes to #8.

4. Kids love me. No, really. They flock to me like I'm made of candy. I don't love kids nearly as much as they love me, and frankly wish they'd leave me the hell alone sometimes, but it just feels good to know kids think you're the bee's knees. I mean, that's gotta give me some points.

3. My facial hair. I just love it.

2. My girlfriend. And I'm sorry that her presence fucks up #8 for the rest of you. Sorry. She's just the only one for me.

1. I could totally kick your ass.

Top 10 Issues I Have With The Philosophers Of Popular Music

10. If you sing about someone's vanity, then yes, that song is actually about them. What's confusing us here?

9. What does it matter if, when you drink alone, you prefer to drink by yourself? What are you telling us here? How can you drink alone without being by yourself? Are you trying to tell us that you're always alone? Are you trying to make a kind of lonely alcoholic empowering statement, like, you're alone because you prefer to be, or are you just drunk?

8. Tidal waves don't spin over your head. Whirlpools spin. Dumb ass.

7. No, John, sorry. You really do need more than love.

6. You know, most cities have green grass and pretty girls. Like, even crappy cities. Like Utica.

5. I don't know what your problem is with Scrubs but it's an awesome show. I totally lawl. Go set some more bathtubs on fire, retard.

4. I don't understand why a song whose basic message is "you're not always able to fuck who you want to fuck, but there should be someone around drunk enough," requires a boys choir in the background. If it were a Michael Jackson song then, sure, I'd get it. But it wasn't.

3. "Pink, it's my favorite crayon"? Dude. If you've been in the same band for over thirty years and you start borrowing the lyrical styles of Adam Sandler, it's time to give up. Live off your daughter's elf money. It's okay. Silverstone will be able to find work without you.

2. "Hey There Delilah" is stupid. I'd find a more clever way to say that, but I have to get ready for work.

1. This.

Top 10 Favorite Things About My New Monthly Night Work Trips to Great Barrington

10. Feelings of self-righteousness towards masses of the kind of pseudo-liberal, rich fucks who think "antique" should be used as a verb.

9. Overtime.

8. It's truly rare to find someone who loves what they do, and all the lecturers have one thing in common - they love to talk. For a long. Long. Long. Time.

7. My presence in Great Barrington is something akin to magic. As soon as I cross its borders, the populace is united. I find the high school where the lecture is taking place, set up my recording equipment in the lecture hall, and as I work the entirety of GB stands outside the lecture hall discussing one thing - how many questions they can come up with for me that I don't know the answer to and don't care about.

6. The people of Great Barrington are a truly evolved species. They have moved beyond any kind of understanding of common sense or body language. For example, if I am obviously working on my recording equipment, if I am wearing headphones and listening intently to them, and if I in fact have a job whose primary requirement is that my sense of hearing be directed at one specific thing; it's very likely that all of these things going on at the same time would signal - to the knuckle-dragging legions of the savage races - that I'm listening to what I'm listening to because I have to, because it's my job, and because it's very likely things could go wrong if I don't. But the people of Great Barrington have moved beyond such rudimentary communication, so much so that they don't even comprehend it. They will come up to me and ask me where the best seat in the place is, whether or not the seat over there is taken, whether it's okay if they plug their personal recorders into the sound board, whose sweater that is over on that chair, where the speakers are so they can sit near them, what channel they can get my station on in Pittsfield, or just to swagger up to me stupidly and say nothing but, "So...you're the sound guy, huh?"

5. According to Rage Against The Machine, anger is a gift. If so, Christmas came motherfucking early.

4. Country roads are so fucking boring when you can actually see where they go.

3. When you can't see where country roads are going, you get to see many more country roads.

2. If the car breaks down on a Great Barrington Road and I'm accosted and raped by Great Barrington bumpkins, I will at least know that after their assault they will give me tips on where to find the best covered bridges, which antique stores in the area are the best, and great stories about how they almost made it to Woodstock.

1. The end of the return trip is the only time I'm ever happy to see Arbor Hill.

Top 10 Things I Learned Yesterday While Rearranging My Apartment

10. Playing Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the background while I work on something is surprisingly helpful, and I can get through almost an entire season in one day.

9. It is possible to live without a "Fuck It" Closet (i.e., a closet specifically for those times when you really want to put something somewhere that keeps everything organized, you can't find a place, so you say "Fuck It" and throw it in, trying to simultaneously stop the various sleeping bags, Christmas presents, pillows, seasonal clothing, and broken medical equipment you've already stuffed in there from falling out as you open the door).

8. If there are productive things you want to do with your computer, and you tend to find it difficult to motivate yourself to do them, one possible solution is to move your computer so that it is NOT in the same room as your bed.

7. There's always shit I forgot to put somewhere. And once I put it somewhere, there will be more shit.

6. The talking Hulk Hands I bought in 2003 still work.

5. Lots of things, regardless of The Force, don't move until you get up and move them.

4. In spite of the fact that I've only lived in my current apartment for 8 months, I have moved my TV, DVD player, and stereo from my living room to my bedroom and back to my living room at least 4 times at this point.

3. I own more unused and unusable power cords than a Radio Shack on fire.

2. Even though the cord from my cable modem to my computer is long enough, using a computer in a different room than that of the aforementioned modem feels dirty. It works, but it just feels wrong. Like smoking a cigarette in an outdoor mall.

1. If I actually do what I planned to do on a particular day, then the thing I planned to have done on that day gets done.

Top 10 Messages To My Nephew On His 5th Birthday

10. Your name could've been "Finbar". We yelled at your Dad a lot. You're welcome.

9. Hey, if you want some REAL money, keep the toys in their packages. Well. At least some of them.

8. Learn to sleep in busy-looking poses. School and work will be much more rewarding.

7. Hulk is the strongest one there is. Don't question it. Just know it.

6. You'll start to learn jokes soon. There are a lot of potentially offensive subjects you'll want to avoid. Just remember that no one ever minds when you make fun of Polish people.

5. The secret of playing Six Degrees of Separation is Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Everyone forgets it was Kevin Bacon racing Steve Martin for the taxi in the beginning. Only go to JFK if you have to, cuz, like, everyone's in that movie. Go there if you have to, but it's the pussy move.

4. You are probably going to eventually think a particular entertainer is a rebellious genius. They are going to overdose on narcotics, blow their heads off, hang themselves, or find some other way to get themselves killed. Be prepared for it.

3. Whenever you go into a hotel or motel, turn on the TV and look for Law & Order. If you can't find an episode of it within an hour of entering the room, you have entered an alternate dimension where everyone's lizards and there's no Law & Order. Bar the doors and load your gun, they'll be coming for you soon.

2. A large percentage of the people your parents direct you to call "uncle" or "aunt" aren't actually related. Remember that. Me. REAL uncle. ME. ME.

1. Walk without rhythm. Tell Fatboy Slim to kiss your ass.

Top 10 Things You Should Know About The Upcoming Wolverine Film

10. Apparently, Wolverine was alive during World War II, at which point he saved Private Ryan.



9. Yep. you guessed it. Even Wolverine fucked Ben Franklin.

8. Wolverine was not only alive in World War II, but World War I! He's not looking forward to World War III. It will make just as much money and have better special effects, but still suck.

7. He was alive during the Ice Age, at which point the Hulk kicked his ass.



6. You know that "hobbit" body they found? Yep. Wolverine fucked him too.

5. He's so old, he actually remembers when the successful formula for a super-hero franchise was more than "let's just have him kill guys and be an asshole."

4. He's so old, he remembers when Stan Lee first started making up the bullshit stories he tells now about how all of Marvel's ideas were his. EXCELSIOR!

3. He was alive during many comic-cons, at which point he did not get laid.



2. Wolverine often reminisces about the ancient days when having 10 gigs of storage memory was, like, a whole lot!

1. Wolverine was alive during the rule of the Roman Empire, at which point the Hulk kicked his ass.

Top 10 Worst Ways To STOP Obsessing Over The Online Game You Can't Play Yet

10. Constantly searching for youtube videos of the new intro quest line with the sweet new class and all the sweet new pets like the big rhino and the t-rexes and the glowy cat.

9. Spending two days writing roleplay backstories for every playable race in the game, both genders, only ONE of which you will use IF you even get to play the game anytime in the near future.

8. Copying and pasting the of the history of the game world into a word document and printing it out to read for no particular reason.

7. Glen Danzig.

6. Constantly posting on your former guild's forum MORE THAN ANY SINGLE OTHER MEMBER WHO IS ACTUALLY PRESENTLY PLAYING THE FUCKING GAME.

5. Making daily trips to the wiki dedicated to the game in question to read all about the neat things you can't see yet.

4. Being me.

3. Covering the night shift for a week so you pretty much have nothing to do but surf the web and find out about more cool stuff you can't do.

2. Blasting Haddaway's "What Is Love" during your night shift. It helps for about 4 minutes, but then you're back to the reality where you're obsessed with playing a game you can't play yet.

1. Porn.

Top 10 Things I Just Fucking LOVE About My Temporary Return To The Night Shift

10. There are so many cool videos on youtube about Wrath of the Lich King, so I get constant reminders of what I'm missing.

9. Last time I worked this shift, I had access to a car and so foolishly discarded the idea of walking home alone at 5 in the morning through a high crime area.

8. Getting to watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report again.

7. Once it's over, at the beginning of next week, I will experience that wonderful Christmas-morning-like anticipation about finding out whether my return to the province of the sun will cause me to burst into flames, or if some nosy reporter has figured out I'm Batman.

6. Playing cards with the mice. Ratty's a cheating motherfucker, but Squeaky will put out for any kind of cheese at all. She's a muenster slut.

5. I love seeing and talking to no one. It really strengthens my personal connections to the my workplace and the world overall.

4. Glen Danzig.

3. Thinking about the early morning employees walking in and wondering who could have possibly left the mouth-watering aroma of freshly-nuked microwave popcorn in the air.

2. Overtime.

1. C-SPAN.