Top 10 Things I'm Going To Miss About My Night Job

10. Jerking off in the Men's Room.

9. Blessed night protecting me from the harsh, deadly sun.

8. Having absolutely no one around to notice when I make an obvious, glaring fuck up.

7. The mice (they like me more).

6. The prostitutes who want my cigarettes.

5. Talking to myself without being ridiculed for it (except by myself, and I've asked myself to be more sensitive about my feelings).

4. Waking people up because of emergencies. Your boss will never appreciate you more than when you call him at 3 am to tell him a street cleaner somehow set off the building's fire alarm.

3. C-SPAN. Until you watch a Democrat from Wyoming yield the remainder of his time to a Democrat from New York, you just haven't lived.

2. Jerking off in the Ladies' Room.

1. Absolutely. FUCKING. NOTHING.