10. Isolation. I used to be a pretty well-liked guy. I'm pretty fun once you get to know me. Now I can count the number of people who ask me to hang with them on one hand and still have most of my fingers unused. The only people who talk to me are prostitutes who want my cigarettes. Now that I quit smoking, I'll be a fucking hermit.
9. Sex. If you're in a committed relationship, sex becomes quite a challenge. Your partner will inevitably get randy during two specific times of the day - right before you wake up, and right before you go to work (or if those two things happen at the same time, only at that time). And unless you want it to burn when you pee, don't let #10 give you any ideas.
8. Food. You never get used to eating at different times from the rest of the world. As much as it would seem to be a simple mathematical problem of counting hours, you just never know when you should eat what meal.
7. Confusion. People just don't. Fucking. GET IT. People will make you feel guilty for not being able to hang out with them, not getting back to them as soon as they would like, not being able to help them at 10 am because it's too close to your bedtime. It doesn't matter how long you do it. It doesn't matter how long those people have known you while you've worked this shift. They will never bend to your schedule, and they will never forgive you for not bending to theirs. Which contributes to #10 quite a bit.
6. Explanations. You have to constantly explain to people why you can't do what you can't do, why you have to do what you do when you do it, why you eat what you eat when you eat it. Again, it doesn't matter how long these people have known you. People who have known me for the entire four years I've worked the overnight shift, in fact people who only met me after I had the shift, still need me to explain to them the incredibly complicated concept of time. No, I don't want pasta at 8 pm, I just fucking woke up. Yes, I am eating burritos at 7 am, it's my fucking dinner. No, I can't go see the doctor at 3pm. I won't be awake.
5. Co-workers. The people who can loosely be defined as your co-workers, only because you all get your paychecks from the same people, are just as oblivious of you as everyone else. Even though your life and theirs wouldn't even have anything to do with one another unless you worked the overnight shift, they still don't get it. They schedule mandatory meetings at 1 pm. Since you don't know who the hell anyone is, you will occasionally have to e-mail your boss and ask "Who is this? They asked me to make/give them something." Your boss will respond "His desk is right next to this other person's desk," which doesn't fucking help at all because you don't know who the other person is either. Because of this, whenever someone does something bad at work, unless the culprit is immediately caught, you are automatically the prime suspect. No one will ever be able to prove you did it, and no one will ever be completely convinced you didn't do it, because there's no one around to attest to either.
4. Fridays. Trying to explain or figure out what happened on what day is always an ass-pain because you're just as confused as everyone else. You come home from work, go to sleep, wake up, and go back to work on what's technically the same day, but to you it's the next day. This becomes particularly frustrating at the end of the week. When people begin milling into the building on Friday morning, they'll say things like "Happy Friday!" and "Thank God it's Friday!" and "Have a good weekend!" But it isn't Friday to you. Friday's tonight and tomorrow morning. It's still your Thursday.
3. Appointments. You know how hard it can be to get an appointment with some doctors unless you're willing to wait 4 months? Imagine how tough it would be if the window of time you have during the rest of the world's waking hours is something around 1 or 2 hours.
2. Ignorance. You are almost always forgotten by your workplace. When important updates to your job come up, you'll be lucky if anyone bothers to tell you. But you'll still be responsible for obtaining the information you never knew existed.
1. Crimefighting. The only cool overnight job is super-hero. At least they get to fight crime and save the world. I have to listen to the BBC. And jazz. And people who play banjos.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why We Should Prepare For An Alien Invasion
10. If you take a look at history, and look at the instances in which two civilizations - with a wide disparity in their technological advancement - came into contact, you find the same thing tends to happen. Pretty soon you have one civilization, and a bunch of roadside stands offering ethnic blankets.
9. Here we are without warp-speed technology. We've got our cute little mp3 players and quaint i-phones, and we're already bitching about overpopulation. Imagine if our civilization had gotten to the point where we could travel across galaxies. Our species' girth would make our current population look like the membership list for "Gpysies For Hitler!" And there aren't many places out there where we can put our feet up. So as much as upstate NY looks like shit to me, I bet Luke Skywalker and Alf are going to think it's a lush paradise.
8. Look at Jeffrey Dahmer. Even we think we're yummy. What do you think aliens are going to think?
7. Turn the situation around. Imagine our military finds intelligent life on another planet. And it's a species far less technologically advanced than us. With our own home in environmental peril, with the discovery of a new world that is both accessible to us and can sustain life, and with a healthy supply of ammunition, how long before phrases reminiscent of "Manifest destiny" and "internment camps" are resurrected in the national dialogue? Hmmm?
6. Dude. They might take our chicks.
5. Superman can't do everything for us. It isn't like he's the Hulk.
4. Ever see Mars Attacks!? Even Tim Burton thinks aliens are bastards. And that dude thinks zombies and homicidal clowns are cute.
3. Gene Roddenberry was wrong. He saw a united world of equality, free from greed or the very need for money. Heh. Yeah, whatever. Conclusion? Aliens are evil.
2. It is completely possible that aliens' research will eventually lead them to discover that people who live in cities have as many assholes to probe as those who live in West Bumblefuck.
1. Even if there are no aliens, even if we're the only intelligent life in all creation - in fact, especially if that's the case - I think it would still be a good idea to get the world's military geared up to take on the Kling-Ons. Why? Because then we'll still have all the missiles and cannons and guns, and they'll all be pointing somewhere where there aren't any people.
9. Here we are without warp-speed technology. We've got our cute little mp3 players and quaint i-phones, and we're already bitching about overpopulation. Imagine if our civilization had gotten to the point where we could travel across galaxies. Our species' girth would make our current population look like the membership list for "Gpysies For Hitler!" And there aren't many places out there where we can put our feet up. So as much as upstate NY looks like shit to me, I bet Luke Skywalker and Alf are going to think it's a lush paradise.
8. Look at Jeffrey Dahmer. Even we think we're yummy. What do you think aliens are going to think?
7. Turn the situation around. Imagine our military finds intelligent life on another planet. And it's a species far less technologically advanced than us. With our own home in environmental peril, with the discovery of a new world that is both accessible to us and can sustain life, and with a healthy supply of ammunition, how long before phrases reminiscent of "Manifest destiny" and "internment camps" are resurrected in the national dialogue? Hmmm?
6. Dude. They might take our chicks.
5. Superman can't do everything for us. It isn't like he's the Hulk.
4. Ever see Mars Attacks!? Even Tim Burton thinks aliens are bastards. And that dude thinks zombies and homicidal clowns are cute.
3. Gene Roddenberry was wrong. He saw a united world of equality, free from greed or the very need for money. Heh. Yeah, whatever. Conclusion? Aliens are evil.
2. It is completely possible that aliens' research will eventually lead them to discover that people who live in cities have as many assholes to probe as those who live in West Bumblefuck.
1. Even if there are no aliens, even if we're the only intelligent life in all creation - in fact, especially if that's the case - I think it would still be a good idea to get the world's military geared up to take on the Kling-Ons. Why? Because then we'll still have all the missiles and cannons and guns, and they'll all be pointing somewhere where there aren't any people.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Top 10 Weird Things That Turn Me On
10. Women messing with stuff on TV shopping networks. I don't know what this is about, but I'm convinced there's some kind of strange subliminal plot at work. I have found myself aroused watching women's hands on home shopping networks handling jewelry. Also, when I was surfing stations once, I came upon a TV shopping network where they were trying to sell bed sets. One of the women put her hand under a pillowcase and rubbed the pillow over and over. I nearly impregnated my desk.
9. Women typing. No, seriously. But it has to be a woman, and she has to be typing on a computer keyboard, and she has to be typing quickly but softly. None of that shit with transcribing machines in courtrooms or typewriters.
8. TV weather forecasts given by women, but of course only when they're in front of the big magic map making the clouds move with their sexy arcane powers.
7. Reading. The right female reading voice can either soothe me to a deep slumber or make me appreciate reading in a way the blind dude from Star Trek never talks about.
6. Public Speaking. Pretty much the same as #7. The right woman with the right speaking voice will ensnare me with her lusty voice, whether she's talking about health care or government spending. This is why I watch so much C-Span.
5. Kissing in Showers (showers of WATER, I'm not that weird). Well, duh, getting aroused by being in a shower with a woman isn't particularly odd. But I don't know what it is. Kissing a woman in the shower is just like nothing else in the world.
4. The singing voice of the chick from Garbage. No woman singer has ever turned me on with her voice, except her.
3. Winter clothing. Seriously. Well, it isn't like I see mittens and have to run to the bathroom, but I just love a woman all bundled up with her cheeks all red.
2. Female comedians. I'm such a constant wise ass, that if you can beat me in wise-assery, I effing want your ass.
1. Direct stimulation to the penis. I don't know why. It's just very arousing.
9. Women typing. No, seriously. But it has to be a woman, and she has to be typing on a computer keyboard, and she has to be typing quickly but softly. None of that shit with transcribing machines in courtrooms or typewriters.
8. TV weather forecasts given by women, but of course only when they're in front of the big magic map making the clouds move with their sexy arcane powers.
7. Reading. The right female reading voice can either soothe me to a deep slumber or make me appreciate reading in a way the blind dude from Star Trek never talks about.
6. Public Speaking. Pretty much the same as #7. The right woman with the right speaking voice will ensnare me with her lusty voice, whether she's talking about health care or government spending. This is why I watch so much C-Span.
5. Kissing in Showers (showers of WATER, I'm not that weird). Well, duh, getting aroused by being in a shower with a woman isn't particularly odd. But I don't know what it is. Kissing a woman in the shower is just like nothing else in the world.
4. The singing voice of the chick from Garbage. No woman singer has ever turned me on with her voice, except her.
3. Winter clothing. Seriously. Well, it isn't like I see mittens and have to run to the bathroom, but I just love a woman all bundled up with her cheeks all red.
2. Female comedians. I'm such a constant wise ass, that if you can beat me in wise-assery, I effing want your ass.
1. Direct stimulation to the penis. I don't know why. It's just very arousing.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
10 Bands That Are Easy To Fake #1
Let's say, for some reason, your government calls upon you during a time of dire emergency. Some rock band or singer has died, the government manages to keep their passing a secret, and have created a hyper-realistic android to replace the dead star.
But while the android may be able to successfully ape the pop star's looks and movements, it doesn't have the cognitive thought and creativity necessary to write music. So you, brave soul, are called upon to write the lyrics for a new album for the dead bastard.
Yes, I realize the plausibility of this scenario may make you nervous. It's something we all worry about, whether or not we're willing to talk about it in the open. What follows is the first in a series of lists on how to fake different popular musical artists' lyrical stylings, should the need ever arise. Like, if you have to pretend you're Englebert Humperdink to infiltrate Al-Qaeda or something like that. It could happen. I still think that's what Cat Stevens is up to.
10. Everclear - The theme to remember in writing an Everclear album is disenfranchisement. The lion's share of Everclear's songs fall into two categories. About 95% of them are about either someone being somewhere they don't want to be and wanting to go somewhere else (usually some place in California) or someone being somewhere they don't want to be and then someone they know goes somewhere without them. About 4% are in the Abandoned-By-Daddy category. The rest are miscellaneous. Don't go nuts with the Daddy thing. One song about that per album. Maybe you can mention him in one or two other songs, but only very briefly. Most of the rest should be about college-aged men in dead-end relationships and dead-end towns who dream of going somewhere better. They live near the airport and hear the planes going overhead and people are doing what they can't yadda yadda bullshit bullshit yadda yadda. Just make sure to separate your Whoa's and Yeah's and you should be good. There should always be a Whoa, followed by a little guitar, then a Yeah, and repeat.
9. Cheryl Crow - Deliciously simple. Think of a religious fanatic. Someone who is extremely self-righteous in their faith who believes anyone who does not share that faith is an asshole. Write 12 songs from that character's point of view. Switch the subject in every other song. Sometimes the song should be about how the speaker is so righteous, and other times it should focus more on the wickedness of everyone else. Now - this is the important part - once you have those songs written, go back, take out all the religious crap, and replace it with "happy" and "fun." Replace wickedness with sadness. For example, if you wrote "If you're so righteous, then why do you seem so wicked?" then replace it with "If it makes you happy, then why are you so sad?" Replace "All I want to do is bathe in the light of the Lord" with "All I want to do is have some fun." Once your songs are filled with a strange kind of self-righteousness, in which the speaker's only guiding philosophy is that she is better than everyone else because she has fun while other people worry about things because they're not rich rock stars blowing Eric Clapton, then you've got your album.
8. Counting Crows - Not much to this. Just a few simple rules. At least a couple of times in your albums, make references that only college students/graduates would get. Name at least two of your songs after cities. In at least every three songs, a naked or near-naked woman shows up somewhere towards the end, we don't know her name, and it's the first time she's been mentioned in the song. There should be some kind of implication that she's mentally ill.
7. Glen Danzig - For 90% of your songs, slap together two cheesy genres, like sci-fi and horror, so you have songs with names like "Vampires from Venus." The other 10% should be songs that have to do with violence, sex, and your mother. I know, it's disturbing, but remember this is for your country.
6. Primus - Fishing and farm animals. Go nuts.
5. Weird Al - Well, this would seem obvious, but there's a story that should make it clearer what you're looking for here. Weird Al is apparently good friends with Victoria Jackson. Way back when Nirvana did Saturday Night Live, Al called Jackson and asked her to get Cobain on the phone so he could ask his permission to lampoon "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Cobain's initial reaction - "It isn't about food, is it?" So, there ya go. Whatever you do, make sure it's about food.
4. Cake - Doesn't matter at all. Even if you're doing a horrible cover of a classic Black Sabbath tune. Just make sure you have three guys yelling "HEY!" in unison at regular intervals.
3. Meatloaf - Just get in the mindset of a musical theater geek who thinks he's a rock star. And remember, every time you write a song, if you don't mention "rock 'n' roll" at least 6 times in the song itself, it isn't fucking finished.
2. Nine Inch Nails - Hate Women.
1. The Ramones - Don't even try it. No one can mimick their glory. Terd.
But while the android may be able to successfully ape the pop star's looks and movements, it doesn't have the cognitive thought and creativity necessary to write music. So you, brave soul, are called upon to write the lyrics for a new album for the dead bastard.
Yes, I realize the plausibility of this scenario may make you nervous. It's something we all worry about, whether or not we're willing to talk about it in the open. What follows is the first in a series of lists on how to fake different popular musical artists' lyrical stylings, should the need ever arise. Like, if you have to pretend you're Englebert Humperdink to infiltrate Al-Qaeda or something like that. It could happen. I still think that's what Cat Stevens is up to.
10. Everclear - The theme to remember in writing an Everclear album is disenfranchisement. The lion's share of Everclear's songs fall into two categories. About 95% of them are about either someone being somewhere they don't want to be and wanting to go somewhere else (usually some place in California) or someone being somewhere they don't want to be and then someone they know goes somewhere without them. About 4% are in the Abandoned-By-Daddy category. The rest are miscellaneous. Don't go nuts with the Daddy thing. One song about that per album. Maybe you can mention him in one or two other songs, but only very briefly. Most of the rest should be about college-aged men in dead-end relationships and dead-end towns who dream of going somewhere better. They live near the airport and hear the planes going overhead and people are doing what they can't yadda yadda bullshit bullshit yadda yadda. Just make sure to separate your Whoa's and Yeah's and you should be good. There should always be a Whoa, followed by a little guitar, then a Yeah, and repeat.
9. Cheryl Crow - Deliciously simple. Think of a religious fanatic. Someone who is extremely self-righteous in their faith who believes anyone who does not share that faith is an asshole. Write 12 songs from that character's point of view. Switch the subject in every other song. Sometimes the song should be about how the speaker is so righteous, and other times it should focus more on the wickedness of everyone else. Now - this is the important part - once you have those songs written, go back, take out all the religious crap, and replace it with "happy" and "fun." Replace wickedness with sadness. For example, if you wrote "If you're so righteous, then why do you seem so wicked?" then replace it with "If it makes you happy, then why are you so sad?" Replace "All I want to do is bathe in the light of the Lord" with "All I want to do is have some fun." Once your songs are filled with a strange kind of self-righteousness, in which the speaker's only guiding philosophy is that she is better than everyone else because she has fun while other people worry about things because they're not rich rock stars blowing Eric Clapton, then you've got your album.
8. Counting Crows - Not much to this. Just a few simple rules. At least a couple of times in your albums, make references that only college students/graduates would get. Name at least two of your songs after cities. In at least every three songs, a naked or near-naked woman shows up somewhere towards the end, we don't know her name, and it's the first time she's been mentioned in the song. There should be some kind of implication that she's mentally ill.
7. Glen Danzig - For 90% of your songs, slap together two cheesy genres, like sci-fi and horror, so you have songs with names like "Vampires from Venus." The other 10% should be songs that have to do with violence, sex, and your mother. I know, it's disturbing, but remember this is for your country.
6. Primus - Fishing and farm animals. Go nuts.
5. Weird Al - Well, this would seem obvious, but there's a story that should make it clearer what you're looking for here. Weird Al is apparently good friends with Victoria Jackson. Way back when Nirvana did Saturday Night Live, Al called Jackson and asked her to get Cobain on the phone so he could ask his permission to lampoon "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Cobain's initial reaction - "It isn't about food, is it?" So, there ya go. Whatever you do, make sure it's about food.
4. Cake - Doesn't matter at all. Even if you're doing a horrible cover of a classic Black Sabbath tune. Just make sure you have three guys yelling "HEY!" in unison at regular intervals.
3. Meatloaf - Just get in the mindset of a musical theater geek who thinks he's a rock star. And remember, every time you write a song, if you don't mention "rock 'n' roll" at least 6 times in the song itself, it isn't fucking finished.
2. Nine Inch Nails - Hate Women.
1. The Ramones - Don't even try it. No one can mimick their glory. Terd.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Top 10 Best Things To Say On Your Deathbed Moments Before Succumbing To The Inevitable
10. GERONIMO!
9. Open the window. I'm gonna fart.
8. Here she comes! Kiss my ass Wiesenthal!
7. The treasure chest? Oh, right. I'll tell you guys where that is tomorrow.
6. Okay. Okay. This time I'm quitting smoking for good.
5. Well, shit, I hope this Atheism thing works out. Cross your fingers!
4. 42
3. My God. It's full of stars.
2. I am slain!
1. Son, listen, before I. You know. Go. There's something I have to say. You remember that whole thing that happened when you were 5? The whole thing with me molesting you? Totally as much my fault as it was your's.
9. Open the window. I'm gonna fart.
8. Here she comes! Kiss my ass Wiesenthal!
7. The treasure chest? Oh, right. I'll tell you guys where that is tomorrow.
6. Okay. Okay. This time I'm quitting smoking for good.
5. Well, shit, I hope this Atheism thing works out. Cross your fingers!
4. 42
3. My God. It's full of stars.
2. I am slain!
1. Son, listen, before I. You know. Go. There's something I have to say. You remember that whole thing that happened when you were 5? The whole thing with me molesting you? Totally as much my fault as it was your's.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Top 10 Women I Want To Have Sex With Even Though I Don't Know Their Names
10. Lost and Law & Order: SVU Chick
You know how you'll see an actor and know in your bones you've seen him/her somewhere before, but you just can't place it, and you keep beating your head trying to figure out who it is because for some reason you think checking IMDB would be cheating and you'd get less Get-Into-Heaven points for doing it?
Well, when this chick showed up on Lost, I was visited by this familiar torture, and at the same time I was sure that whenever I had seen her in whatever show or film I had seen her in, she had made my jeans tight.
Eventually, I gave up and checked IMDB, but at first that didn't help. I couldn't see anything in her entry that I recognized. The only thing was Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, but that didn't help. Who the hell hasn't been on one or more of those shows?
Then I remembered. She was in one of the more memorable episodes of Law & Order: SVU. She played a mother on trial for killing her newborn baby and dumping it in the East River. So, yeah it sort of bothered me that I remembered her with such tumescence, but not too much.
In this picture she's all laughy, but usually she has this quiet, intense look on her face. Like she's either going to jump your bones or conspire your violent downfall. Or both. That's kind of cool.
9. House's Boss
I don't think House's boss seemed very attractive to me at first, but over time somehow House convinced me she was hot. She kind of seems like the less she likes you as a person, the more she wants to mate with you. I'm going to write a 10 page list of insults and send them to her.
8. Skinny Chick from Kalifornia and ST: TNG
She was in Kalifornia, she was a morally ambiguous alien on Star Trek: The Next Generation, and got JFK'd in the new Battlestar Galactica.
I think she's hot. That is all.
7. Chick from Angel and Law & Order
She was in Angel. She was in Law & Order. I don't know which one she was in first. She's got eyes and lips that make me go googly in the knees. And her character never had sex with Angel, so she's a-okay in my book.
6. In Plain Sight Chick
She's hot and she's got a gun. Plus, according to the commercials, her sister and mother tend sleep with her boyfriends. Three for one!
5. Police Captain from Psych
She's just cute. I like her.
4. Tony Soprano's Russian Mistress
She's got a sexy accent and nice chestlies. I'd have to get a hypnotist to give her amnesia afterwards or something, though. She's a bit stalker-ish.
Well...actually, what the hell. A stalker would be a nice change.
3. Jenny Calendar from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I totally would've gone to a monster truck rally with her without complaining. This picture is from the episode when Xander accidentally casts a spell on himself that makes every woman in Sunnydale lust after him - the only episode in which I wanted to be Xander.
Angel killed her though. Stupid Angel.
I totally would have killed that bastard in Season 1.
2. Evil Battlestar Galactica chick
I would SO sell out humanity for some of that. Screw you, Statue of Liberty!
1.Temp Chick - No picture for #1 unfortunately.
Some years ago, I had a temp job at an insurance company. It was only for a week. There was a girl temping with me - very quiet, very shy - and we hit it off. It was tough getting her attention, but it turned out we took the same bus home together, and I got the distinct impression she liked me. I wanted to ask her out, but my plan was to wait until the end of the week, when my temp assignment ended, so there would be no weird "but we work together" stuff.
I came into work on Friday and she wasn't there. She'd called the temp agency and quit. No explanation.
I remembered her telling me the area in which she lived, so I actually spent a couple of afternoons just walking around that area, hoping to run into her, but no joy. And it was a brave act on my part. There was a psychiatric institution nearby, and I was pretty sure if I got too close, the bastards would yank me in with a tractor beam.
Never found her, never saw her again. I had a freaky dream about her a couple of weeks later, but that's for another list.
You know how you'll see an actor and know in your bones you've seen him/her somewhere before, but you just can't place it, and you keep beating your head trying to figure out who it is because for some reason you think checking IMDB would be cheating and you'd get less Get-Into-Heaven points for doing it?
Well, when this chick showed up on Lost, I was visited by this familiar torture, and at the same time I was sure that whenever I had seen her in whatever show or film I had seen her in, she had made my jeans tight.
Eventually, I gave up and checked IMDB, but at first that didn't help. I couldn't see anything in her entry that I recognized. The only thing was Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, but that didn't help. Who the hell hasn't been on one or more of those shows?
Then I remembered. She was in one of the more memorable episodes of Law & Order: SVU. She played a mother on trial for killing her newborn baby and dumping it in the East River. So, yeah it sort of bothered me that I remembered her with such tumescence, but not too much.
In this picture she's all laughy, but usually she has this quiet, intense look on her face. Like she's either going to jump your bones or conspire your violent downfall. Or both. That's kind of cool.
9. House's Boss
I don't think House's boss seemed very attractive to me at first, but over time somehow House convinced me she was hot. She kind of seems like the less she likes you as a person, the more she wants to mate with you. I'm going to write a 10 page list of insults and send them to her.
8. Skinny Chick from Kalifornia and ST: TNG
She was in Kalifornia, she was a morally ambiguous alien on Star Trek: The Next Generation, and got JFK'd in the new Battlestar Galactica.
I think she's hot. That is all.
7. Chick from Angel and Law & Order
She was in Angel. She was in Law & Order. I don't know which one she was in first. She's got eyes and lips that make me go googly in the knees. And her character never had sex with Angel, so she's a-okay in my book.
6. In Plain Sight Chick
She's hot and she's got a gun. Plus, according to the commercials, her sister and mother tend sleep with her boyfriends. Three for one!
5. Police Captain from Psych
She's just cute. I like her.
4. Tony Soprano's Russian Mistress
She's got a sexy accent and nice chestlies. I'd have to get a hypnotist to give her amnesia afterwards or something, though. She's a bit stalker-ish.
Well...actually, what the hell. A stalker would be a nice change.
3. Jenny Calendar from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I totally would've gone to a monster truck rally with her without complaining. This picture is from the episode when Xander accidentally casts a spell on himself that makes every woman in Sunnydale lust after him - the only episode in which I wanted to be Xander.
Angel killed her though. Stupid Angel.
I totally would have killed that bastard in Season 1.
2. Evil Battlestar Galactica chick
I would SO sell out humanity for some of that. Screw you, Statue of Liberty!
1.Temp Chick - No picture for #1 unfortunately.
Some years ago, I had a temp job at an insurance company. It was only for a week. There was a girl temping with me - very quiet, very shy - and we hit it off. It was tough getting her attention, but it turned out we took the same bus home together, and I got the distinct impression she liked me. I wanted to ask her out, but my plan was to wait until the end of the week, when my temp assignment ended, so there would be no weird "but we work together" stuff.
I came into work on Friday and she wasn't there. She'd called the temp agency and quit. No explanation.
I remembered her telling me the area in which she lived, so I actually spent a couple of afternoons just walking around that area, hoping to run into her, but no joy. And it was a brave act on my part. There was a psychiatric institution nearby, and I was pretty sure if I got too close, the bastards would yank me in with a tractor beam.
Never found her, never saw her again. I had a freaky dream about her a couple of weeks later, but that's for another list.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Top 10 Things That Everyone Else Seems To Like That I, Nevertheless, Hate
10. Harry Potter - I don't really hate Harry Potter. I don't like him either. I've never read any of the books, so I have no clear opinion. But it feels like something I should hate.
9. Porn - It doesn't do anything for
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
9. Poultry and Seafood - That's right. I drive people nuts. I won't eat poultry. I won't eat seafood. I'm not a vegetarian - I love beef. My theory is that the problem is the presentation. Fried chicken is a dead thing. A bowl of shrimp is a whole bunch of dead things. A hamburger is a dead thing. But a hamburger doesn't look like a dead thing. It just looks a bunch of stuff with bread. It could be anything. But a bowl of shrimp is clearly a bowl of dead things. And yeah, there's plenty of ways to present seafood or poultry so that it doesn't look like the thing it was before it was killed, but I've already been exposed too much of it that did look like dead stuff, that I'm spoiled on it forever. I know. It makes no sense.
8. Lesbian sex - Allow me to clarify. I have nothing against lesbians or lesbians having sex. They should have sex as much as anyone else and have just as much fun doing it. I just don't get as turned on by it as other guys. I think it's because I'm too selfish. I see two women kissing, it doesn't turn me on. It pisses me off. I think "Hey! What about Mick?"
7. Those Squawky Mobile Phones - There are mobile phones, and there are walkie-talkies. PICK ONE! JESUS, those things are so fucking annoying. What, do you need to feel like a truck driver or something?
6. Kevin Smith's movies - This may seem surprising, considering our physical similarities. That's part of the problem, honestly. He stole my look.
5. John Leguizamo - I just want to attach electrodes to his balls and turn the car battery on every time he either shoves his face close enough to the camera lens to lick it, or dances. If he stops those two things, I'm on board.
4. Bars - I like alcohol. I don't drink much, but I like alcohol. I hate bars. I don't want to squeeze together with that many drunk, sweaty people. It's like an orgy without the orgy.
3. Oral Sex - I don't know why, it just doesn't do anyt
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
3. Quentin Tarantino's dialogue - A lot of it is great. But you can tell that he's gotten successful enough that he can tell editors to go fuck themselves at times when their advice needs to be heeded. That diner scene in the second half of Grindhouse was such torture, I thought I would catch a flight to Guantanamo Bay for a break. Every other line started with "What do you mean you never heard of (insert name of obscure 70's movie, tv show or song here)." It was like a Tarantino fan doing a bad Tarantino impression. I haven't been so happy to see Kurt Russel kill somebody since he thwacked Lo Pan in the head in Big Trouble in Little China.
2. The 80's - I was there. They sucked.
1. Thanksgiving - The dumbest holiday ever. What do you do? EAT? Hello! I do that three times a day! And to add insult to injury, you have to do it with your family? What the fuck? How about a holiday where we walk really fast or breathe really deep?
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
9. Poultry and Seafood - That's right. I drive people nuts. I won't eat poultry. I won't eat seafood. I'm not a vegetarian - I love beef. My theory is that the problem is the presentation. Fried chicken is a dead thing. A bowl of shrimp is a whole bunch of dead things. A hamburger is a dead thing. But a hamburger doesn't look like a dead thing. It just looks a bunch of stuff with bread. It could be anything. But a bowl of shrimp is clearly a bowl of dead things. And yeah, there's plenty of ways to present seafood or poultry so that it doesn't look like the thing it was before it was killed, but I've already been exposed too much of it that did look like dead stuff, that I'm spoiled on it forever. I know. It makes no sense.
8. Lesbian sex - Allow me to clarify. I have nothing against lesbians or lesbians having sex. They should have sex as much as anyone else and have just as much fun doing it. I just don't get as turned on by it as other guys. I think it's because I'm too selfish. I see two women kissing, it doesn't turn me on. It pisses me off. I think "Hey! What about Mick?"
7. Those Squawky Mobile Phones - There are mobile phones, and there are walkie-talkies. PICK ONE! JESUS, those things are so fucking annoying. What, do you need to feel like a truck driver or something?
6. Kevin Smith's movies - This may seem surprising, considering our physical similarities. That's part of the problem, honestly. He stole my look.
5. John Leguizamo - I just want to attach electrodes to his balls and turn the car battery on every time he either shoves his face close enough to the camera lens to lick it, or dances. If he stops those two things, I'm on board.
4. Bars - I like alcohol. I don't drink much, but I like alcohol. I hate bars. I don't want to squeeze together with that many drunk, sweaty people. It's like an orgy without the orgy.
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
3. Quentin Tarantino's dialogue - A lot of it is great. But you can tell that he's gotten successful enough that he can tell editors to go fuck themselves at times when their advice needs to be heeded. That diner scene in the second half of Grindhouse was such torture, I thought I would catch a flight to Guantanamo Bay for a break. Every other line started with "What do you mean you never heard of (insert name of obscure 70's movie, tv show or song here)." It was like a Tarantino fan doing a bad Tarantino impression. I haven't been so happy to see Kurt Russel kill somebody since he thwacked Lo Pan in the head in Big Trouble in Little China.
2. The 80's - I was there. They sucked.
1. Thanksgiving - The dumbest holiday ever. What do you do? EAT? Hello! I do that three times a day! And to add insult to injury, you have to do it with your family? What the fuck? How about a holiday where we walk really fast or breathe really deep?
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Top 10 Reason Why Hulk Would Kick Superman's Ass
10. Superman is really, really strong. He's a lot stronger than Hulk at first. But the more fun that's being had, the stronger Hulk gets. And he just keeps getting stronger and stronger and stronger without any limitations, until he eventually surpasses Supes in strength and durability. Superman is unquestionably the alpha male of the super-hero world, but unlike Hulk he has limits. Superman is an incredibly massive dildo. He makes everyone look inadequate, and he's usually got more than enough girth to do the job. But he can't get any bigger no matter how many batteries you throw in him. The Hulk, on the other hand, is Pinnochio's cock, if Pinnochio's cock got bigger when he lied instead of his nose, and if Pinnochio were the President of the United States.
9. The usual arguments from Superman fans on a Superman vs. Hulk debate are littered with examples of their favorite boy scout using murderous tactics against the Hulkster. They say he could throw the Hulk into the Sun or he could shoot his heat beams through the Hulk's ear and fry his brain. This is a good example of why most people who engage in this superhero vs. that superhero debates are fucking morons. They never take character into consideration. They consider only what the heroes can do, not what they would do, and I guarantee you Superman would never use any tactic against the Hulk that he thought might kill him. This is precisely why Hulk would win. The only way for Superman to beat the Hulk is if he unleashes everything he can onto the Hulk right off the bat. If he goes whole hog, without pulling any punches, he can take the Hulk down. But he NEVER does that. Too much risk of killing his enemy, too much risk of hurting innocent bystanders. The Hulk, on the other hand, cares as much about his enemies and innocent bystanders as I care about the longevity of musical theater as an art form. Which is to say not.
8. If Jimmy Olson tried to call in the Justice League to help, Rick Jones would totally kick his ass. And steal his signal watch. And pawn it for a guitar.
7. Step 1 - Kidnap Lois, Step 2 - Threaten to break Lois's neck until Superman punches himself in the face as hard as he can until he's unconscious, Step 3 - Profit.
6. Superman is a white boy.
5. Batman would give Hulk pointers.
4. Animals love Hulk. Krypto would mutiny.
3. Ed Norton > Brandon Routh. Who's Brandon Routh, you ask? Exactly.
2. Ever hear of that big comic book event a while back called The Death of the Hulk? No? Yeah, that's because it was called The Death of Superman. Wimp.
1. Hulk is the strongest one there is.
9. The usual arguments from Superman fans on a Superman vs. Hulk debate are littered with examples of their favorite boy scout using murderous tactics against the Hulkster. They say he could throw the Hulk into the Sun or he could shoot his heat beams through the Hulk's ear and fry his brain. This is a good example of why most people who engage in this superhero vs. that superhero debates are fucking morons. They never take character into consideration. They consider only what the heroes can do, not what they would do, and I guarantee you Superman would never use any tactic against the Hulk that he thought might kill him. This is precisely why Hulk would win. The only way for Superman to beat the Hulk is if he unleashes everything he can onto the Hulk right off the bat. If he goes whole hog, without pulling any punches, he can take the Hulk down. But he NEVER does that. Too much risk of killing his enemy, too much risk of hurting innocent bystanders. The Hulk, on the other hand, cares as much about his enemies and innocent bystanders as I care about the longevity of musical theater as an art form. Which is to say not.
8. If Jimmy Olson tried to call in the Justice League to help, Rick Jones would totally kick his ass. And steal his signal watch. And pawn it for a guitar.
7. Step 1 - Kidnap Lois, Step 2 - Threaten to break Lois's neck until Superman punches himself in the face as hard as he can until he's unconscious, Step 3 - Profit.
6. Superman is a white boy.
5. Batman would give Hulk pointers.
4. Animals love Hulk. Krypto would mutiny.
3. Ed Norton > Brandon Routh. Who's Brandon Routh, you ask? Exactly.
2. Ever hear of that big comic book event a while back called The Death of the Hulk? No? Yeah, that's because it was called The Death of Superman. Wimp.
1. Hulk is the strongest one there is.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why Dwarves Are Better Than Elves
10. "Hey! Let's get completely hammered and toss gnomes into the forge!" VS. "Hey! Let's go to the juice bar and look at trees!" Which party are you going to?
9. Elf Chicks - Hottest ladies in the fucking universe, but their knees are locked so tightly you have to slip them a date-rape drug just to ask them out to a movie. And they'll still probably say no.
Dwarf Chicks - Perfect height and there's enough alcohol around so you can ignore the fact that they're dwarves.
8.Elves have nifty bows and arrows. Dwarves have artillery.
7. Assholes who sleep outside are vulnerable to the elements. Caves are the same temperature all-year round.
6. All of the gold and treasure is buried deep in mountains. That's undisputed fact. Who lives deep in mountains? Not fucking Legolas.
5. Some dwarf women may have beards, but at least they shave their armpits.
4. You know why the Mormons live in Utah? Because there was a time when they were even less popular than they are now, so much so that the military was sent after them, and it's tough as hell for any army to mount an assault on a mountain. When Cthulu shows up to eat everyone, the refugees aren't going to Rivendell or the Keeblers' tree or Santa's Workshop. They'll be knocking on the front door of Fort Big-Fucking-Mountain.
3. All the great men of history had facial hair. Jesus. Abe Lincoln. John Rhys-Davies. All of them.
2. You think Snow White would've put up with seven of them if they didn't know what they were doing? Face facts. Dwarves fuck like body doubles. No substitute.
1. Orlando Bloom will never play a dwarf.
9. Elf Chicks - Hottest ladies in the fucking universe, but their knees are locked so tightly you have to slip them a date-rape drug just to ask them out to a movie. And they'll still probably say no.
Dwarf Chicks - Perfect height and there's enough alcohol around so you can ignore the fact that they're dwarves.
8.Elves have nifty bows and arrows. Dwarves have artillery.
7. Assholes who sleep outside are vulnerable to the elements. Caves are the same temperature all-year round.
6. All of the gold and treasure is buried deep in mountains. That's undisputed fact. Who lives deep in mountains? Not fucking Legolas.
5. Some dwarf women may have beards, but at least they shave their armpits.
4. You know why the Mormons live in Utah? Because there was a time when they were even less popular than they are now, so much so that the military was sent after them, and it's tough as hell for any army to mount an assault on a mountain. When Cthulu shows up to eat everyone, the refugees aren't going to Rivendell or the Keeblers' tree or Santa's Workshop. They'll be knocking on the front door of Fort Big-Fucking-Mountain.
3. All the great men of history had facial hair. Jesus. Abe Lincoln. John Rhys-Davies. All of them.
2. You think Snow White would've put up with seven of them if they didn't know what they were doing? Face facts. Dwarves fuck like body doubles. No substitute.
1. Orlando Bloom will never play a dwarf.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Weekly Top 10 Reasons Why Mick Doesn't Suck #2
10. Mick is considerate.
9. Mick has good instincts about people.
8. Because of Reason #9, Mick is suspicious of 80% of the people who visit his blog.
7. Mick almost never drinks.
6. Mick realized the dangers of conformity sooner than most people. I'm looking at you, Marilyn Manson! Give me my Satan back!
5. Mick is open-minded about alternative lifestyles.
4. Mick is wanted sexually by 2 of the 5 people who have responded to his sex poll so far, and the other three chose "What?" which means they probably didn't understand the question.
3. So far, Mick has posted on his blog 8 days in a row! And on two occasions he posted twice! That's right ladies! Mick isn't afraid of commitment!
2. Mick is cautious of commitment.
1. Mick thinks Nazis suck.
9. Mick has good instincts about people.
8. Because of Reason #9, Mick is suspicious of 80% of the people who visit his blog.
7. Mick almost never drinks.
6. Mick realized the dangers of conformity sooner than most people. I'm looking at you, Marilyn Manson! Give me my Satan back!
5. Mick is open-minded about alternative lifestyles.
4. Mick is wanted sexually by 2 of the 5 people who have responded to his sex poll so far, and the other three chose "What?" which means they probably didn't understand the question.
3. So far, Mick has posted on his blog 8 days in a row! And on two occasions he posted twice! That's right ladies! Mick isn't afraid of commitment!
2. Mick is cautious of commitment.
1. Mick thinks Nazis suck.
Top 10 Worst Things To Type During An MMORPG Guild Meeting
10. Welcome to the first meeting of "We Voted For Ron Paul."
9. So, the first thing we need to do is convince the rest of the white race that our purity depends on separating ourselves from - WHOOPS! Wrong Meeting! LOL!
8. No, we don't ALL wear horse saddles for erotic stimulation, but that IS how most of us met.
7. Starting next week, you are all required to deliver 5-minute presentations to the group at every meeting regarding how you feel about Jesus.
6. I understand that one of our members found a website about my RL situation, and let me just say that there are SO many ways to interpret the term "sex offender."
5. So, yeah, for those of you who weren't here at the last meeting, we're kind of going in a different direction with our guild. I'll explain fully in a bit, but for now just so you all know, you're all going to have to pay for character name changes so that we're all named with some variation of "Charlie." I already called "Chuck." Oh, and it can't actually be Charlie. No, no, when you hear why, it will all make sense.
4. I hungrily run my hands over the delicious swell of your young, firm - SORRY! Mistell!
3. According to the minutes, last week's 3-hour meeting was mostly monopolized by random geek pop culture references. I'd like this week's meeting to be a little more organized. Particularly, I'd like to focus on Monty Python, Spider-Man and funny Sean Connery quotes. We might want to get on voice chat for that last one, you lose a lot when you just type it. It's like...it's like...heh...IT'S JUST LIKE A WOP! BRINGIN' A KNIFE TO A GUNFIGHT! HA!
2. Yeah, so, since my Mom's in the guild now, we have to watch what we say in the OOC. Yeah, and she just got back from the hospital so, you know, no more in-character drinking parties. Too much temptation for her. Try not to mention fire. And dudes, if I catch any of you guys try to cyber with her, it's an automatic gkick. For srs. Goes for the ladies, too.
1. a/s/l?
9. So, the first thing we need to do is convince the rest of the white race that our purity depends on separating ourselves from - WHOOPS! Wrong Meeting! LOL!
8. No, we don't ALL wear horse saddles for erotic stimulation, but that IS how most of us met.
7. Starting next week, you are all required to deliver 5-minute presentations to the group at every meeting regarding how you feel about Jesus.
6. I understand that one of our members found a website about my RL situation, and let me just say that there are SO many ways to interpret the term "sex offender."
5. So, yeah, for those of you who weren't here at the last meeting, we're kind of going in a different direction with our guild. I'll explain fully in a bit, but for now just so you all know, you're all going to have to pay for character name changes so that we're all named with some variation of "Charlie." I already called "Chuck." Oh, and it can't actually be Charlie. No, no, when you hear why, it will all make sense.
4. I hungrily run my hands over the delicious swell of your young, firm - SORRY! Mistell!
3. According to the minutes, last week's 3-hour meeting was mostly monopolized by random geek pop culture references. I'd like this week's meeting to be a little more organized. Particularly, I'd like to focus on Monty Python, Spider-Man and funny Sean Connery quotes. We might want to get on voice chat for that last one, you lose a lot when you just type it. It's like...it's like...heh...IT'S JUST LIKE A WOP! BRINGIN' A KNIFE TO A GUNFIGHT! HA!
2. Yeah, so, since my Mom's in the guild now, we have to watch what we say in the OOC. Yeah, and she just got back from the hospital so, you know, no more in-character drinking parties. Too much temptation for her. Try not to mention fire. And dudes, if I catch any of you guys try to cyber with her, it's an automatic gkick. For srs. Goes for the ladies, too.
1. a/s/l?
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex With Me
10. I cuddle.
9. I assure you I have no STDs. However, as a potential partner you may be understandably concerned with such a risk. Consider that the only way to have sex with me without contracting an STD is to, first, have sex with me. Which means if you don't have sex with me, you'll contract an STD. Think about it.
8. I am currently reading She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner, Ph.D. And I graduated with an English degree. With Honors. I know how to read between the lines. I know my lit theory.
7. It would help me quit smoking.
6. I never fake orgasms.
5. I keep a very complimentary form letter which, upon request, can be forwarded to future sexual partners, potential employers, money lenders, or university admissions offices as a glowing recommendation.
4. My wang is wonderful and promotes joy.
3. Most people, upon meeting me, wish that I were asleep. Guess what helps me sleep?
2. If you don't, then the terrorists win.
1. If you want to have sex and I happen to be playing World of Warcraft, I will totally bail on my guildies. Like, immediately. Even if it's a raid. Even if it's Heroic Botanica and it's the daily quest. I mean, that's 7 badges of justice, so it'd be cool if you'd wait, but I'd totally do it. RL cums first.
9. I assure you I have no STDs. However, as a potential partner you may be understandably concerned with such a risk. Consider that the only way to have sex with me without contracting an STD is to, first, have sex with me. Which means if you don't have sex with me, you'll contract an STD. Think about it.
8. I am currently reading She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner, Ph.D. And I graduated with an English degree. With Honors. I know how to read between the lines. I know my lit theory.
7. It would help me quit smoking.
6. I never fake orgasms.
5. I keep a very complimentary form letter which, upon request, can be forwarded to future sexual partners, potential employers, money lenders, or university admissions offices as a glowing recommendation.
4. My wang is wonderful and promotes joy.
3. Most people, upon meeting me, wish that I were asleep. Guess what helps me sleep?
2. If you don't, then the terrorists win.
1. If you want to have sex and I happen to be playing World of Warcraft, I will totally bail on my guildies. Like, immediately. Even if it's a raid. Even if it's Heroic Botanica and it's the daily quest. I mean, that's 7 badges of justice, so it'd be cool if you'd wait, but I'd totally do it. RL cums first.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Going To Have One More Cigarette And Then I'm Going To Quit
10. I'm really tired.
9. Oxygen! Not just for the rich anymore.
8. Ever since my break-up with the ex-girlfriend, I've been forced to live with my parents. Hopefully I'll be able to move out soon. In the meantime, in order to smoke while I'm at home, I have to go out to the garage. If I don't smoke, I hardly ever have to leave my room except to go to work, which means less contact with my parents.
7. Money! Not just for the rich anymo-well. Not completely anyway.
6. It will boost my chances for that Vampire Slayer job.
5. Less need to take breaks while writing, reading, playing World of Warcraft, or downloading porn.
4. My job is not located in the best of areas. I really don't worry about getting hurt. I worry more about being annoyed while I'm taking a smoke break by a drunk, a prostitute, or a college student so much that I won't be able to finish my cigarette. If I don't smoke, less contact with drunks and prostitutes. Less annoyance. More time to write, read, play World of Warcraft, download porn, and think of ways to avoid my parents.
3. If I want to get a new job, maybe somewhere with a minimum amount of drunks and prostitutes and my parents, the fact that I won't need to step out every hour for 10 minutes will probably render me a more desirable worker-monkey.
2. I want to have lots of sex. Cigarettes lead to less oxygen and slower blood flow. These lead to less sex. Many women won't date men who smoke. This leads to less sex. I want to have lots of sex.
1. I simply want to reiterate Reason #2.
(P.S. Oh for Christ's sake I'm quitting smoking, Jesus, Allah, Buddah, Zeus, Satan, Hulk, HELP ME!)
(P.P.S. Friends, please link this blog entry, and send it to me if you ever find out I'm smoking again. Or just copy and paste #2 in an e-mail and send it to me)
(P.P.P.S. For anyone who answered "Yes," "Yeah," or "Yep" to my current poll question, offering me sexual favors in return for achieving quitting-smoking goals would TOTALLY help. You don't have to, of course, no pressure, but, you know, if you really cared...)
(P.P.P.P.S. I printed out this entry and highlighted Reasons 1 and 2. I intend to keep it in my back pocket at all times.)
9. Oxygen! Not just for the rich anymore.
8. Ever since my break-up with the ex-girlfriend, I've been forced to live with my parents. Hopefully I'll be able to move out soon. In the meantime, in order to smoke while I'm at home, I have to go out to the garage. If I don't smoke, I hardly ever have to leave my room except to go to work, which means less contact with my parents.
7. Money! Not just for the rich anymo-well. Not completely anyway.
6. It will boost my chances for that Vampire Slayer job.
5. Less need to take breaks while writing, reading, playing World of Warcraft, or downloading porn.
4. My job is not located in the best of areas. I really don't worry about getting hurt. I worry more about being annoyed while I'm taking a smoke break by a drunk, a prostitute, or a college student so much that I won't be able to finish my cigarette. If I don't smoke, less contact with drunks and prostitutes. Less annoyance. More time to write, read, play World of Warcraft, download porn, and think of ways to avoid my parents.
3. If I want to get a new job, maybe somewhere with a minimum amount of drunks and prostitutes and my parents, the fact that I won't need to step out every hour for 10 minutes will probably render me a more desirable worker-monkey.
2. I want to have lots of sex. Cigarettes lead to less oxygen and slower blood flow. These lead to less sex. Many women won't date men who smoke. This leads to less sex. I want to have lots of sex.
1. I simply want to reiterate Reason #2.
(P.S. Oh for Christ's sake I'm quitting smoking, Jesus, Allah, Buddah, Zeus, Satan, Hulk, HELP ME!)
(P.P.S. Friends, please link this blog entry, and send it to me if you ever find out I'm smoking again. Or just copy and paste #2 in an e-mail and send it to me)
(P.P.P.S. For anyone who answered "Yes," "Yeah," or "Yep" to my current poll question, offering me sexual favors in return for achieving quitting-smoking goals would TOTALLY help. You don't have to, of course, no pressure, but, you know, if you really cared...)
(P.P.P.P.S. I printed out this entry and highlighted Reasons 1 and 2. I intend to keep it in my back pocket at all times.)
Top 10 Reasons Why Ninjas Are Better Than Pirates
10. Ninjas have many more opportunities for consensual sex than pirates.
9. Pirates need boats and water. Ninjas kick ass everywhere.
8. Pirates can't sneak into the vents overlooking a girl's locker room and stay there for two weeks.
7. When Bruce Wayne decided to develop the skills he needed to purge Gotham of crime, he didn't look for Captain Crunch to train him.
6. Ninjas are eternal, while pirates are limited to a specific time of history. Seen any pirates recently? Of course not. Seen any ninjas recently? Well, if they're doing their jobs right, of course not.
5. Ninjas are more inclusive. If turtles can be ninjas, anyone can.
4. Ninjas are more versatile. You can't be a good pirate. But ninjas can be superheroes. They can be turtles and they can rap about staying in school and saying no to drugs.
3. Ninja diets are much more diverse, due to the presence of teeth and hence the ability to partake in solid food.
2. A ninja can give himself any bad-ass name, while pirates must name themselves after either the color of their beard, a missing body part, or whatever inanimate object they have used to replace the aforementioned missing body part.
1. Have you ever seen Orlando Bloom in a ninja movie? No. No, you haven't.
9. Pirates need boats and water. Ninjas kick ass everywhere.
8. Pirates can't sneak into the vents overlooking a girl's locker room and stay there for two weeks.
7. When Bruce Wayne decided to develop the skills he needed to purge Gotham of crime, he didn't look for Captain Crunch to train him.
6. Ninjas are eternal, while pirates are limited to a specific time of history. Seen any pirates recently? Of course not. Seen any ninjas recently? Well, if they're doing their jobs right, of course not.
5. Ninjas are more inclusive. If turtles can be ninjas, anyone can.
4. Ninjas are more versatile. You can't be a good pirate. But ninjas can be superheroes. They can be turtles and they can rap about staying in school and saying no to drugs.
3. Ninja diets are much more diverse, due to the presence of teeth and hence the ability to partake in solid food.
2. A ninja can give himself any bad-ass name, while pirates must name themselves after either the color of their beard, a missing body part, or whatever inanimate object they have used to replace the aforementioned missing body part.
1. Have you ever seen Orlando Bloom in a ninja movie? No. No, you haven't.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Uncle Ick's Top Ten Favorite Episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I originally posted this on my first blog, The Daily Burn, and later re-posted it at Superheroes, etc., and well. What do you want? I'm lazy.
Enjoy.
WARNING: There’s no way for me to explain why these episodes deserve Top Ten treatment without giving out a SPOILER here and there. So, now you’re warned.
And so, without further preamble . . .
TEN: “SUPERSTAR”
Season Four, Episode 17, Air date: 4/4/00
Written by Jane Espenson, Directed by David Grossman
Plenty of Buffy episodes deal with magic spells and curses affecting the entire population of Sunnydale. Number Ten in Mick’s Ten Best of Buffy is one of the only episodes in which not only is the spell working as soon as the episode begins, but it actually changes the opening credits.
Mixed in with the credits are shots of a short, baby-faced geek brandishing crossbows, disarming time bombs, and just all-around trying and failing to appear like a mixture of James Bond and Buffy’s broody ex-boyfriend. Longtime watchers will recognize him as Jonathan, a Sunnydale High misfit who did little more than take beatings from jocks and monsters alike in the second and third seasons of the show. Before “Superstar” his only prominent appearances included a botched suicide attempt in Season 3’s “Earshot” and his presentation of a class award to Buffy later that season in “The Prom”.
Jonathan creates a whole new world in “Superstar”. Along with usurping Buffy’s position as premiere superhero of Sunnydale, in his world Jonathan starred in The Matrix, invented the Internet, produced a line of successful Big Band albums, and apparently his trumpet playing is the fire that fuels the passion of Xander and Anya’s relationship.
Besides the clever handling of the opening credits and the introduction of the spell, what I liked most about this episode was how Jonathan’s motives and actions were dealt with. While it’s clear Jonathan is the antagonist of the episode and that he wants to keep his illusion alive, he’s never depicted at being at all malicious. At worst, when Buffy begins to figure out what’s going on, he’s evasive and conflicted. When he uses his new status as confidant to both Buffy and Riley (Buffy’s Season 4 love interest), as condescending a prick as he is, he sincerely wants to help them. He’s part of something that will become a common theme in Mick’s “Ten Best Buffy”: an example that the more human Whedon & Co. rendered their bad guys, the more the characters enriched the story.
NINE: “HUSH”
Season 4, Episode 10, Air date: 12/14/99
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
The famous silent episode of Buffy (well, not COMPLETELY silent), “Hush” introduced fans to perhaps the creepiest villains of the series: the wordless, grinning ghouls known as The Gentlemen.
A lot is made of the silent aspect of “Hush,” and I won’t deny it’s impressive and entertaining. Perhaps my favorite scene involves Giles educating Buffy and the Scoobies on The Gentlemen while using some bloody transparencies on a projector with musical accompaniment.
But with or without dialogue, the stars of this episode are The Gentlemen. The physical aspects of monsters on Buffy tended to be adequate at best, campy at worst. It was okay, you accepted it because it was part of the show’s charm, but it was rare that the creative staff managed to design a very simple monster that was genuinely scary. The Gentlemen are such beasts. Caught in perpetual steel grins, floating a few feet above the pavement, and exchanging polite and silent niceties with each other even as they cut out a victim’s heart, The Gentleman were - without a doubt - the most bone-chillingly creepiest villains to ever go toe-to-toe with Buffy. The silent aspect of the episode, for me, was just icing on the cake.
EIGHT: “RESTLESS”
Season 4, Episode 22, Air date: 5/23/00
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
“Restless” is unique in a lot of ways, but first and foremost it differs in that it was the Season 4 finale, and yet was the only finale of any Buffy season that didn’t feature the climax between the forces of good and evil for that particular year. Instead, it deals with a danger that arises after the Big Bad has already been vanquished.
In the previous episode, “Primeval”, Buffy defeats a demon/human cyborg named Adam by temporarily merging her spirit with those of Xander, Giles, and Willow. In “Restless”, we find that the spirit of the first Slayer was offended by the merging as she seeks to murder Buffy’s three closest allies in their dreams.
Since most of the episode features dream sequences, there’s a lot of Lynch influence here, even a blatant homage (during Willow’s dream sequence there’s an abundance of red curtain everywhere). Since I’ve never experienced a dream nearly as coherent as most dream sequences you find on TV or film, I appreciate Whedon’s commitment to nonsense throughout the episode. Characters speak ridiculous lines of dialogue that sometimes hold metaphorical gems, and other times are just a little goofy.
Visually, it’s one of the most impressive episodes of the series. Scenes jump between color and black-and-white, locales merge so that Xander’s basement apartment seems to connect to just about every other setting in the series, and perfectly dreamlike scenarios pop up like Giles and Spike on playground swings or Giles doling out his usual research instructions to Xander and Willow, except singing them as a part of a rock band at the Bronze.
There’s also some prophesizing in the episode, some obviously intentional, some obviously not. In Buffy’s dream sequence, Tara utters the same words Dracula would speak to her in the first episode of Season 5, and follows it with “Be back before Dawn.” There’s a lot of other stuff in there, but it’s more fun to find it yourself.
What I liked most about “Restless,” was that it was the first really sober and serious look at Xander’s character, particularly when it comes to how his situation with his parents has shaped him. It’s hinted at throughout the series, but it’s usually more of a joke than anything (usually used as fodder for Cordelia’s insults). While I know pretty much everything about Xander is treated as a joke, considering the setting (Southern California, in neighborhoods in which wallets aren’t exactly overflowing with food stamps), the “poor boy” jokes always left a bad taste in my mouth. It was one of the few aspects of Buffy that genuinely offended me, though obviously not enough to drive me away. “Restless” was the first time the surface of Xander’s relationship with his family was scratched, though unfortunately it pretty much ended there.
SEVEN: “GRADUATION DAY part 1 & 2"
Season 3, Episodes 21 & 22, Air Dates: 5/18/99 & 7/13/99
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
Along with offering a thundering climax to Buffy’s third season and helping to set up the first season of Angel, “Graduation Day” marked the end of an era. It would be a mistake to claim that the finale marked a “jump the shark” point, but the feel of the show was never the same once its heroes graduated. There was a particular chemistry between the characters in Sunnydale High that would never be repeated (which, you know, was kind of the point).
“Graduation Day” wasn’t particularly unique among Buffy season finales, other than the number of new developments. The episode gave viewers a surprising alliance between the students of Sunnydale High, the school’s destruction, the death of Principal Snyder as well as some of the more peripheral characters, Buffy severing ties with the Watcher’s Council, a final break-up between Buffy and Angel as well as a bloody pseudo-sex scene between the two, and an equally bloody climax to the conflict between Buffy and Faith the rogue slayer.
When choosing my Top Ten, I was usually careful not to choose something simply because it featured a so-called milestone event (e.g., episodes featuring the first appearances of characters who would later be key figures in the series, episodes featuring the deaths of regular characters, etc.), but “Graduation Day” is chock full of them. The episode is all about change, after all, and the new developments were necessary to get that across.
And you can’t go wrong with two of the series’ most engaging villains: Mayor Wilkins and his protege Faith. As much as I always felt Eliza Dushku was one of the least impressive actors on the series, the conflict between Faith and Buffy was riveting regardless. Harry Groener is equally fatherly, genial, and absolutely vicious as Mayor Wilkins. He remains one of the most genuinely intimidating and enjoyable Buffy bad guys. Both characters serve as examples of how the antagonists of Buffy could engage the audience better when they were more human than demon. Few of the “Big Bads” after Wilkins/Faith succeeded as well.
SIX: “BECOMING part 1 & 2"
Season 2, Episodes 21 & 22, Air Dates: 5/12/98 & 5/19/98
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
“Becoming” would, um, become a model for future episodes highlighting the early days of recurring vampire characters. Mixing the present story with scenes from Angel’s devilish past and the beginnings of his attempts to reconcile that past, “Becoming” gave its audience a prologue that rendered Buffy’s sacrifice of Angel that much more powerful.
The sacrifice of Angel showed how Buffy had evolved into a woman who was willing to do the unthinkable for the sake of the world and simultaneously how she could never fit into the narrow role her heroic lineage dictated, served as a metaphor for the difficulty of letting go of destructive lovers, and gave Buffy viewers one of the most heartbreaking conclusions in the series (if not in the history of television).
On a side note, “Becoming” also rid the series of Kendra the slayer. Not only did this make way for Faith, but also did away with criminally fake accents until they reared their ugly heads again in Season 7.
FIVE: “THE GIFT”
Season 5, Episode 22, Air Date: 5/22/01
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
Never has a better episode of a TV series been made whose centerpiece was a fierce battle for the life of a character as annoying as Dawn Summers.
More than anything else, “The Gift” is a perfect example of how Whedon & co. manage to take a bunch of ridiculous elements that by all rights should never appear as anything but ridiculous and make them work. The combatants of the battle include a lovesick vampire, a Buffy decoy robot originally designed as a sex toy, and a vampire slayer battling a demon goddess with martial arts and a hammer stolen from a troll that would make mjolnir feel inadequate. Somehow, they make it work, and not just as a comedy.
Just as heartbreaking as “Becoming”, “The Gift” is something of a reflection of that earlier two-parter. As ill-equipped as she was for the viciousness required to fulfill her expected role, Buffy “rose to the challenge” when she sent Angel to hell. Finally and unequivocally unwilling to play the part that’s been forced upon her, Buffy sacrifices herself rather than even humor the possibility of again killing a loved one. It’s her final abandonment of everything she was supposed to be.
Considering her death at the end of the episode, the high quality of Season 5 as a whole, and the mixed quality of what would come after, one could argue that the series would have been better left at the end of “The Gift”.
FOUR: "ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING"
Season 6, Episode 7, Air Date: 11/6/01
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
I hate musicals.
I worked for a local non-profit musical theater organization as a carpenter/stagehand for four summers. Before the end of the first summer, I was drawing pictures of men wearing Miss Saigon t-shirts hanging from nooses in letters to friends. And no, I don’t fucking think it’s so fucking nice to have fucking Dolly right fucking back where she fucking belongs. Fuck Dolly and everyone who looks like Dolly.
So I was not happy about the prospect of having to watch a musical episode of Buffy, but I was pleasantly surprised. "Once More, With Feeling" is now one of the most repeatedly played episode on my DVD player.
One of the things I hate most about musicals is the one-dimensional characterization. Everything, after all, is secondary to the silly singing and dancing. In the case of "Once More, With Feeling", I already knew the characters in question, and so there was never any threat that they would seem shallow or ill-conceived. Also, the sheer absurdity of the idea lent itself so well to the show.
As anyone who’s ever heard the opening theme from Firefly (which Whedon wrote) will attest, Joss Whedon has a rare gift of making his songs completely applicable to a very specific situation, while at the same time rendering them universal. Most of the episode's songs could be completely relevant outside Buffy. For example a line like "Nothing seems to penetrate my heart" from "Going Through The Motions" could easily be injected into songs having nothing to do with vampires or legendary woman warriors, but it makes the line that much better when Buffy sings it as she slams a stake into a vampire’s chest.
The episode also holds a special place for this humble viewer, in that - while the series finale was a year and a half way - it represents something of an emotional climax to the series. It was one of the last episodes with a unified group of Scoobies. Shortly afterwards Giles left for England, Xander and Anya split, Willow turned to the dark side, and Spike tried to rape Buffy. With the Summers home filled with Slayer-wanna-be’s in Season 7, the group of heroes would never really be the same. While I’m sure some may disagree, I feel it was also the series finale as far as quality was concerned. In fact my girlfriend (whose opinions have done quite a bit to influence my choices for the Top Ten) feels the rest of Season 6 may have suffered from the amount of time and energy put into the musical episode.
THREE: "FOOL FOR LOVE"
Season 5, Episode 7, Air Date: 11/14/00
Written by Douglas Petrie, Directed by Nick Marck
It isn't unreasonable to think that "Fool for Love" is on the list just because Spike is one of my favorite recurring characters on the show.
Still, I think its spot on the list is well-deserved. Despite the fact that one could argue its mixing of flashback scenes of Spike’s early history with the present storyline makes it little more than a clone of "Becoming", there’s a lot about "Fool for Love" that distinguishes it from the earlier two-parter and even improves upon it.
Unlike Angel or Drusilla, Spike is neither a psychotic nor a brooding guilt-machine. The element that makes him so fun to watch, an element that was never better illustrated than in "Fool for Love", is that he’s all about viciously reveling in what he is. When the 70's slayer smashes his head through the window of a subway train and he screams, the scream isn’t one of pain but of absolute joy. The joy of someone who's exactly where he wants to be.
Also, while the flashbacks of "Becoming" served mainly as build-up to Angel’s fall, "Fool for love" both expanded on Spike’s character and acted as a parallel to Buffy’s inner conflict. When - in past and present - Spike brings his hands together inches from Buffy’s nose, it’s one of the most powerful moments ever between the two characters.
Another thing I love about the flashbacks - something I actually considered a downside until I was thinking about it in preparation for this review - is that, unlike "Becoming", Spike’s origin story is told directly from Spike’s lips and so the picture we get is tainted. Continuity hounds will remember, for example, that Angel was Spike’s sire (i.e., Angel turned Spike into a vampire). However, in "Fool for Love", it’s implied that Drusilla was his sire instead. Considering the sexuality inherent in Buffy vampirism, Spike might not like the idea of telling Buffy that it was a man who turned him, much less Angel. Likewise, Spike depicts Angel as a relatively tight-assed vampire who slaps Spike down every time he goes wild and takes risks. Of course, when Angel went to the dark side in Season 2 and allied himself with Spike and Drusilla, it was Spike who got nervous every time Angel got a little too eccentric.
TWO: "PASSION"
Season 5, Episode 17, Air Date: 2/24/98
Written by Ty King, Directed by Michael E. Gershman
In concept, direction, and acting talent "Passion" is uncontested in the entire Buffy collection. It’s as if Whedon injected super-soldier serum into the veins of everyone involved and said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, this is the episode where you’re all fucking perfect."
There are a lot of things to love about "Passion". With the first death of a recurring good guy - Jenny Calendar - it’s one of the darkest episodes of the series. The funny’s still there (particularly with Cordelia’s attempts to de-invite Angel from her car), but it takes a backseat. Instead of the usual straightman/funnyman chemistry between Giles and Xander, the two nearly come to blows. Joyce’s conscious ignorance of her daughter’s weird night life begins to chip away when she finds out Buffy lost her virginity to Angel. Giles’s emotional walls come tumbling down when Jenny’s death sends him on a collision course with Angel (with a scene that makes you jump in your chair and cheer the first time you see it).
I’ve always felt Boreanaz was better as a villain than a hero and "Passion" saw his greatest portrayal of the soulless Angel. More than anything else, "Passion" conveys the sense that when it comes to Angel’s love for Buffy, nothing has changed. He still loves her, it’s just that love from a psychotic vampire (particularly one that’s been locked up for over a century) is not a good thing. Or, as Willow aptly puts it to Buffy, "You’re still all he thinks about." It's a feeling that was lost towards the end of the season, but that doesn't take away any of this episode's awesome power.
ONE: "THE PROM"
Season 3, Episode 20, Air Date: 5/18/99
Written by Marti Noxon, Directed by David Solomon
"The Prom" aired right before the two-part conclusion to the third season, "Graduation Day". Haunted by dark dreams as well as Joyce’s hard words, Angel is finally convinced that Buffy’s attachment to him will destroy her in the end, and breaks up with her. As she’s still dealing with the break-up, the Scoobies discover a Sunnydale High misfit plans on unleashing a pack of Hellhounds on the senior class during the prom. Determined to prevent the attack before so much as one demon can make its way to the school, Buffy orders the rest of the gang to the prom so they can enjoy what she suspects might be one of their final nights on Earth (by this point, the Scoobies are well aware of the Mayor’s apocalyptic plans and aren’t convinced they can stop them).
Buffy succeeds in stopping the hounds - killing the last one even as he tears at the gymnasium door - and eventually makes her way to the prom. Shortly afterwards, some of the most heartbreaking, tear-jerking, and bittersweet scenes ever aired on television unfold. If this show doesn’t make you cry, your heart’s more stonier than Ben Grimm.
As time goes by after your first viewing, the episode just becomes more powerful. For a regular viewer of the show it’s near impossible to watch the final slow dance of the episode without thinking about your own torrential teenage days, particularly when you consider how the assembled heroes would eventually scatter; either through death, transfer to another show, or, er, cheating-by-werewolf.
It’s also an example of how Whedon & Co. mastered the art of suspense. It's difficult for me to read or view any kind of action-oriented story and really doubt that the heroes will prevail. Whedon’s always kept me on my toes. Even more recently, with Serenity, I was all but convinced that he planned on killing the entire cast before the credits rolled. Usually, he keeps his viewers doubts alive with his unswerving willingness to mercilessly slaughter favorite characters, and usually in ways that are not nearly as dignified and heroic as Spike’s (temporary) death in the series finale. While part of me still protests the brutal end Anya met in the same episode, I have to admit that it succeeded in convincing me that the bad guys actually had a chance of winning.
With "The Prom" however, the creative team not only didn’t kill anyone, they gave viewers such a picturesque conclusion that you couldn’t help but think that things were two seconds away from going to complete Hell. It just felt too happy to not be followed up with a slaughterhouse.
The first stop at cheesiness is Buffy’s receipt of the Class Protector Award from the Prom Committee. The creative team, as usual, diffuses the cheesiness with well-placed humor, and after three years of Buffy’s selfless heroics for the sake of a seemingly ungrateful student body, she finally gets the recognition she’s deserved. Like the earlier episode "Gingerbread," it touches upon what might be considered a glaring discrepancy in the series: the sheer number of battles between the heroes and clearly supernatural beasts vs. the town’s apparent ignorance of anything strange going on. You can’t help but wonder, with three years of Sunnydale High superheroism under her belt, why the sheer numbers of students Buffy had saved hadn’t helped her get a notch or two up the social ladder. With the restraints of cliques and high school social status about to dissipate, the students finally show their true colors. It’s not only a surprisingly affecting scene, but absolutely necessary. Without it, the Scoobies’ recruitment and organization of the senior class at the end of "Graduation Day" would never have made sense.
Angel’s appearance in the last few minutes shouldn’t affect you, but it does. You can’t help it. You’re softened a little by Xander’s final peacemaking with Cordelia, reduced to the durability of Nerf by the award ceremony, and when Angel shows up - even though you knew as soon as he broke up with her that he’d show up at the prom anyway - you’re done. It’s over. You’re a weep-monster.
"The Prom" was an example of how Whedon not only wonderfully mixed elements of drama, horror, and humor, but also how he turned the horror genre on its head. Just as Buffy was the young, attractive teenage girl who was predator instead of prey to the monsters and villains of horror and slasher flicks, "The Prom" was both a parody of, and a victorious middle finger to, films like Prom Night and Carrie that made high school proms one of the favorite homes of fictional bloodbaths. It was the perfect embodiment of the conceptual genius behind the series, which is why, in my humble opinion, it deserves the title of Best Buffy ever.
Enjoy.
WARNING: There’s no way for me to explain why these episodes deserve Top Ten treatment without giving out a SPOILER here and there. So, now you’re warned.
And so, without further preamble . . .
TEN: “SUPERSTAR”
Season Four, Episode 17, Air date: 4/4/00
Written by Jane Espenson, Directed by David Grossman
Plenty of Buffy episodes deal with magic spells and curses affecting the entire population of Sunnydale. Number Ten in Mick’s Ten Best of Buffy is one of the only episodes in which not only is the spell working as soon as the episode begins, but it actually changes the opening credits.
Mixed in with the credits are shots of a short, baby-faced geek brandishing crossbows, disarming time bombs, and just all-around trying and failing to appear like a mixture of James Bond and Buffy’s broody ex-boyfriend. Longtime watchers will recognize him as Jonathan, a Sunnydale High misfit who did little more than take beatings from jocks and monsters alike in the second and third seasons of the show. Before “Superstar” his only prominent appearances included a botched suicide attempt in Season 3’s “Earshot” and his presentation of a class award to Buffy later that season in “The Prom”.
Jonathan creates a whole new world in “Superstar”. Along with usurping Buffy’s position as premiere superhero of Sunnydale, in his world Jonathan starred in The Matrix, invented the Internet, produced a line of successful Big Band albums, and apparently his trumpet playing is the fire that fuels the passion of Xander and Anya’s relationship.
Besides the clever handling of the opening credits and the introduction of the spell, what I liked most about this episode was how Jonathan’s motives and actions were dealt with. While it’s clear Jonathan is the antagonist of the episode and that he wants to keep his illusion alive, he’s never depicted at being at all malicious. At worst, when Buffy begins to figure out what’s going on, he’s evasive and conflicted. When he uses his new status as confidant to both Buffy and Riley (Buffy’s Season 4 love interest), as condescending a prick as he is, he sincerely wants to help them. He’s part of something that will become a common theme in Mick’s “Ten Best Buffy”: an example that the more human Whedon & Co. rendered their bad guys, the more the characters enriched the story.
NINE: “HUSH”
Season 4, Episode 10, Air date: 12/14/99
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
The famous silent episode of Buffy (well, not COMPLETELY silent), “Hush” introduced fans to perhaps the creepiest villains of the series: the wordless, grinning ghouls known as The Gentlemen.
A lot is made of the silent aspect of “Hush,” and I won’t deny it’s impressive and entertaining. Perhaps my favorite scene involves Giles educating Buffy and the Scoobies on The Gentlemen while using some bloody transparencies on a projector with musical accompaniment.
But with or without dialogue, the stars of this episode are The Gentlemen. The physical aspects of monsters on Buffy tended to be adequate at best, campy at worst. It was okay, you accepted it because it was part of the show’s charm, but it was rare that the creative staff managed to design a very simple monster that was genuinely scary. The Gentlemen are such beasts. Caught in perpetual steel grins, floating a few feet above the pavement, and exchanging polite and silent niceties with each other even as they cut out a victim’s heart, The Gentleman were - without a doubt - the most bone-chillingly creepiest villains to ever go toe-to-toe with Buffy. The silent aspect of the episode, for me, was just icing on the cake.
EIGHT: “RESTLESS”
Season 4, Episode 22, Air date: 5/23/00
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
“Restless” is unique in a lot of ways, but first and foremost it differs in that it was the Season 4 finale, and yet was the only finale of any Buffy season that didn’t feature the climax between the forces of good and evil for that particular year. Instead, it deals with a danger that arises after the Big Bad has already been vanquished.
In the previous episode, “Primeval”, Buffy defeats a demon/human cyborg named Adam by temporarily merging her spirit with those of Xander, Giles, and Willow. In “Restless”, we find that the spirit of the first Slayer was offended by the merging as she seeks to murder Buffy’s three closest allies in their dreams.
Since most of the episode features dream sequences, there’s a lot of Lynch influence here, even a blatant homage (during Willow’s dream sequence there’s an abundance of red curtain everywhere). Since I’ve never experienced a dream nearly as coherent as most dream sequences you find on TV or film, I appreciate Whedon’s commitment to nonsense throughout the episode. Characters speak ridiculous lines of dialogue that sometimes hold metaphorical gems, and other times are just a little goofy.
Visually, it’s one of the most impressive episodes of the series. Scenes jump between color and black-and-white, locales merge so that Xander’s basement apartment seems to connect to just about every other setting in the series, and perfectly dreamlike scenarios pop up like Giles and Spike on playground swings or Giles doling out his usual research instructions to Xander and Willow, except singing them as a part of a rock band at the Bronze.
There’s also some prophesizing in the episode, some obviously intentional, some obviously not. In Buffy’s dream sequence, Tara utters the same words Dracula would speak to her in the first episode of Season 5, and follows it with “Be back before Dawn.” There’s a lot of other stuff in there, but it’s more fun to find it yourself.
What I liked most about “Restless,” was that it was the first really sober and serious look at Xander’s character, particularly when it comes to how his situation with his parents has shaped him. It’s hinted at throughout the series, but it’s usually more of a joke than anything (usually used as fodder for Cordelia’s insults). While I know pretty much everything about Xander is treated as a joke, considering the setting (Southern California, in neighborhoods in which wallets aren’t exactly overflowing with food stamps), the “poor boy” jokes always left a bad taste in my mouth. It was one of the few aspects of Buffy that genuinely offended me, though obviously not enough to drive me away. “Restless” was the first time the surface of Xander’s relationship with his family was scratched, though unfortunately it pretty much ended there.
SEVEN: “GRADUATION DAY part 1 & 2"
Season 3, Episodes 21 & 22, Air Dates: 5/18/99 & 7/13/99
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
Along with offering a thundering climax to Buffy’s third season and helping to set up the first season of Angel, “Graduation Day” marked the end of an era. It would be a mistake to claim that the finale marked a “jump the shark” point, but the feel of the show was never the same once its heroes graduated. There was a particular chemistry between the characters in Sunnydale High that would never be repeated (which, you know, was kind of the point).
“Graduation Day” wasn’t particularly unique among Buffy season finales, other than the number of new developments. The episode gave viewers a surprising alliance between the students of Sunnydale High, the school’s destruction, the death of Principal Snyder as well as some of the more peripheral characters, Buffy severing ties with the Watcher’s Council, a final break-up between Buffy and Angel as well as a bloody pseudo-sex scene between the two, and an equally bloody climax to the conflict between Buffy and Faith the rogue slayer.
When choosing my Top Ten, I was usually careful not to choose something simply because it featured a so-called milestone event (e.g., episodes featuring the first appearances of characters who would later be key figures in the series, episodes featuring the deaths of regular characters, etc.), but “Graduation Day” is chock full of them. The episode is all about change, after all, and the new developments were necessary to get that across.
And you can’t go wrong with two of the series’ most engaging villains: Mayor Wilkins and his protege Faith. As much as I always felt Eliza Dushku was one of the least impressive actors on the series, the conflict between Faith and Buffy was riveting regardless. Harry Groener is equally fatherly, genial, and absolutely vicious as Mayor Wilkins. He remains one of the most genuinely intimidating and enjoyable Buffy bad guys. Both characters serve as examples of how the antagonists of Buffy could engage the audience better when they were more human than demon. Few of the “Big Bads” after Wilkins/Faith succeeded as well.
SIX: “BECOMING part 1 & 2"
Season 2, Episodes 21 & 22, Air Dates: 5/12/98 & 5/19/98
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
“Becoming” would, um, become a model for future episodes highlighting the early days of recurring vampire characters. Mixing the present story with scenes from Angel’s devilish past and the beginnings of his attempts to reconcile that past, “Becoming” gave its audience a prologue that rendered Buffy’s sacrifice of Angel that much more powerful.
The sacrifice of Angel showed how Buffy had evolved into a woman who was willing to do the unthinkable for the sake of the world and simultaneously how she could never fit into the narrow role her heroic lineage dictated, served as a metaphor for the difficulty of letting go of destructive lovers, and gave Buffy viewers one of the most heartbreaking conclusions in the series (if not in the history of television).
On a side note, “Becoming” also rid the series of Kendra the slayer. Not only did this make way for Faith, but also did away with criminally fake accents until they reared their ugly heads again in Season 7.
FIVE: “THE GIFT”
Season 5, Episode 22, Air Date: 5/22/01
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
Never has a better episode of a TV series been made whose centerpiece was a fierce battle for the life of a character as annoying as Dawn Summers.
More than anything else, “The Gift” is a perfect example of how Whedon & co. manage to take a bunch of ridiculous elements that by all rights should never appear as anything but ridiculous and make them work. The combatants of the battle include a lovesick vampire, a Buffy decoy robot originally designed as a sex toy, and a vampire slayer battling a demon goddess with martial arts and a hammer stolen from a troll that would make mjolnir feel inadequate. Somehow, they make it work, and not just as a comedy.
Just as heartbreaking as “Becoming”, “The Gift” is something of a reflection of that earlier two-parter. As ill-equipped as she was for the viciousness required to fulfill her expected role, Buffy “rose to the challenge” when she sent Angel to hell. Finally and unequivocally unwilling to play the part that’s been forced upon her, Buffy sacrifices herself rather than even humor the possibility of again killing a loved one. It’s her final abandonment of everything she was supposed to be.
Considering her death at the end of the episode, the high quality of Season 5 as a whole, and the mixed quality of what would come after, one could argue that the series would have been better left at the end of “The Gift”.
FOUR: "ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING"
Season 6, Episode 7, Air Date: 11/6/01
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon
I hate musicals.
I worked for a local non-profit musical theater organization as a carpenter/stagehand for four summers. Before the end of the first summer, I was drawing pictures of men wearing Miss Saigon t-shirts hanging from nooses in letters to friends. And no, I don’t fucking think it’s so fucking nice to have fucking Dolly right fucking back where she fucking belongs. Fuck Dolly and everyone who looks like Dolly.
So I was not happy about the prospect of having to watch a musical episode of Buffy, but I was pleasantly surprised. "Once More, With Feeling" is now one of the most repeatedly played episode on my DVD player.
One of the things I hate most about musicals is the one-dimensional characterization. Everything, after all, is secondary to the silly singing and dancing. In the case of "Once More, With Feeling", I already knew the characters in question, and so there was never any threat that they would seem shallow or ill-conceived. Also, the sheer absurdity of the idea lent itself so well to the show.
As anyone who’s ever heard the opening theme from Firefly (which Whedon wrote) will attest, Joss Whedon has a rare gift of making his songs completely applicable to a very specific situation, while at the same time rendering them universal. Most of the episode's songs could be completely relevant outside Buffy. For example a line like "Nothing seems to penetrate my heart" from "Going Through The Motions" could easily be injected into songs having nothing to do with vampires or legendary woman warriors, but it makes the line that much better when Buffy sings it as she slams a stake into a vampire’s chest.
The episode also holds a special place for this humble viewer, in that - while the series finale was a year and a half way - it represents something of an emotional climax to the series. It was one of the last episodes with a unified group of Scoobies. Shortly afterwards Giles left for England, Xander and Anya split, Willow turned to the dark side, and Spike tried to rape Buffy. With the Summers home filled with Slayer-wanna-be’s in Season 7, the group of heroes would never really be the same. While I’m sure some may disagree, I feel it was also the series finale as far as quality was concerned. In fact my girlfriend (whose opinions have done quite a bit to influence my choices for the Top Ten) feels the rest of Season 6 may have suffered from the amount of time and energy put into the musical episode.
THREE: "FOOL FOR LOVE"
Season 5, Episode 7, Air Date: 11/14/00
Written by Douglas Petrie, Directed by Nick Marck
It isn't unreasonable to think that "Fool for Love" is on the list just because Spike is one of my favorite recurring characters on the show.
Still, I think its spot on the list is well-deserved. Despite the fact that one could argue its mixing of flashback scenes of Spike’s early history with the present storyline makes it little more than a clone of "Becoming", there’s a lot about "Fool for Love" that distinguishes it from the earlier two-parter and even improves upon it.
Unlike Angel or Drusilla, Spike is neither a psychotic nor a brooding guilt-machine. The element that makes him so fun to watch, an element that was never better illustrated than in "Fool for Love", is that he’s all about viciously reveling in what he is. When the 70's slayer smashes his head through the window of a subway train and he screams, the scream isn’t one of pain but of absolute joy. The joy of someone who's exactly where he wants to be.
Also, while the flashbacks of "Becoming" served mainly as build-up to Angel’s fall, "Fool for love" both expanded on Spike’s character and acted as a parallel to Buffy’s inner conflict. When - in past and present - Spike brings his hands together inches from Buffy’s nose, it’s one of the most powerful moments ever between the two characters.
Another thing I love about the flashbacks - something I actually considered a downside until I was thinking about it in preparation for this review - is that, unlike "Becoming", Spike’s origin story is told directly from Spike’s lips and so the picture we get is tainted. Continuity hounds will remember, for example, that Angel was Spike’s sire (i.e., Angel turned Spike into a vampire). However, in "Fool for Love", it’s implied that Drusilla was his sire instead. Considering the sexuality inherent in Buffy vampirism, Spike might not like the idea of telling Buffy that it was a man who turned him, much less Angel. Likewise, Spike depicts Angel as a relatively tight-assed vampire who slaps Spike down every time he goes wild and takes risks. Of course, when Angel went to the dark side in Season 2 and allied himself with Spike and Drusilla, it was Spike who got nervous every time Angel got a little too eccentric.
TWO: "PASSION"
Season 5, Episode 17, Air Date: 2/24/98
Written by Ty King, Directed by Michael E. Gershman
In concept, direction, and acting talent "Passion" is uncontested in the entire Buffy collection. It’s as if Whedon injected super-soldier serum into the veins of everyone involved and said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, this is the episode where you’re all fucking perfect."
There are a lot of things to love about "Passion". With the first death of a recurring good guy - Jenny Calendar - it’s one of the darkest episodes of the series. The funny’s still there (particularly with Cordelia’s attempts to de-invite Angel from her car), but it takes a backseat. Instead of the usual straightman/funnyman chemistry between Giles and Xander, the two nearly come to blows. Joyce’s conscious ignorance of her daughter’s weird night life begins to chip away when she finds out Buffy lost her virginity to Angel. Giles’s emotional walls come tumbling down when Jenny’s death sends him on a collision course with Angel (with a scene that makes you jump in your chair and cheer the first time you see it).
I’ve always felt Boreanaz was better as a villain than a hero and "Passion" saw his greatest portrayal of the soulless Angel. More than anything else, "Passion" conveys the sense that when it comes to Angel’s love for Buffy, nothing has changed. He still loves her, it’s just that love from a psychotic vampire (particularly one that’s been locked up for over a century) is not a good thing. Or, as Willow aptly puts it to Buffy, "You’re still all he thinks about." It's a feeling that was lost towards the end of the season, but that doesn't take away any of this episode's awesome power.
ONE: "THE PROM"
Season 3, Episode 20, Air Date: 5/18/99
Written by Marti Noxon, Directed by David Solomon
"The Prom" aired right before the two-part conclusion to the third season, "Graduation Day". Haunted by dark dreams as well as Joyce’s hard words, Angel is finally convinced that Buffy’s attachment to him will destroy her in the end, and breaks up with her. As she’s still dealing with the break-up, the Scoobies discover a Sunnydale High misfit plans on unleashing a pack of Hellhounds on the senior class during the prom. Determined to prevent the attack before so much as one demon can make its way to the school, Buffy orders the rest of the gang to the prom so they can enjoy what she suspects might be one of their final nights on Earth (by this point, the Scoobies are well aware of the Mayor’s apocalyptic plans and aren’t convinced they can stop them).
Buffy succeeds in stopping the hounds - killing the last one even as he tears at the gymnasium door - and eventually makes her way to the prom. Shortly afterwards, some of the most heartbreaking, tear-jerking, and bittersweet scenes ever aired on television unfold. If this show doesn’t make you cry, your heart’s more stonier than Ben Grimm.
As time goes by after your first viewing, the episode just becomes more powerful. For a regular viewer of the show it’s near impossible to watch the final slow dance of the episode without thinking about your own torrential teenage days, particularly when you consider how the assembled heroes would eventually scatter; either through death, transfer to another show, or, er, cheating-by-werewolf.
It’s also an example of how Whedon & Co. mastered the art of suspense. It's difficult for me to read or view any kind of action-oriented story and really doubt that the heroes will prevail. Whedon’s always kept me on my toes. Even more recently, with Serenity, I was all but convinced that he planned on killing the entire cast before the credits rolled. Usually, he keeps his viewers doubts alive with his unswerving willingness to mercilessly slaughter favorite characters, and usually in ways that are not nearly as dignified and heroic as Spike’s (temporary) death in the series finale. While part of me still protests the brutal end Anya met in the same episode, I have to admit that it succeeded in convincing me that the bad guys actually had a chance of winning.
With "The Prom" however, the creative team not only didn’t kill anyone, they gave viewers such a picturesque conclusion that you couldn’t help but think that things were two seconds away from going to complete Hell. It just felt too happy to not be followed up with a slaughterhouse.
The first stop at cheesiness is Buffy’s receipt of the Class Protector Award from the Prom Committee. The creative team, as usual, diffuses the cheesiness with well-placed humor, and after three years of Buffy’s selfless heroics for the sake of a seemingly ungrateful student body, she finally gets the recognition she’s deserved. Like the earlier episode "Gingerbread," it touches upon what might be considered a glaring discrepancy in the series: the sheer number of battles between the heroes and clearly supernatural beasts vs. the town’s apparent ignorance of anything strange going on. You can’t help but wonder, with three years of Sunnydale High superheroism under her belt, why the sheer numbers of students Buffy had saved hadn’t helped her get a notch or two up the social ladder. With the restraints of cliques and high school social status about to dissipate, the students finally show their true colors. It’s not only a surprisingly affecting scene, but absolutely necessary. Without it, the Scoobies’ recruitment and organization of the senior class at the end of "Graduation Day" would never have made sense.
Angel’s appearance in the last few minutes shouldn’t affect you, but it does. You can’t help it. You’re softened a little by Xander’s final peacemaking with Cordelia, reduced to the durability of Nerf by the award ceremony, and when Angel shows up - even though you knew as soon as he broke up with her that he’d show up at the prom anyway - you’re done. It’s over. You’re a weep-monster.
"The Prom" was an example of how Whedon not only wonderfully mixed elements of drama, horror, and humor, but also how he turned the horror genre on its head. Just as Buffy was the young, attractive teenage girl who was predator instead of prey to the monsters and villains of horror and slasher flicks, "The Prom" was both a parody of, and a victorious middle finger to, films like Prom Night and Carrie that made high school proms one of the favorite homes of fictional bloodbaths. It was the perfect embodiment of the conceptual genius behind the series, which is why, in my humble opinion, it deserves the title of Best Buffy ever.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I Could Totally Be A Vampire Slayer
10. I'm a dude. They'd never see it coming.
9. Upper-class English accents instill instant obedience in me. Me and Giles would totally click. Any women with upper-class English accents should take note of this, or even any women who can fake such an accent.
8. I'm no sexist. I'm no misogynist. But there is one thing women can't do which men can - pee while standing. Well, women can do it, but it's messy. This would make me more prepared for surprise attacks while dehydrating my dinosaur.
7. I would totally have killed Angel and Cordelia in Season 1.
6. I would probably yield to temptation and offer non-interference to female vampires in return for sexual favors. But, I would dust them post-coitus. After cuddling, of course. I'm not a dick.
5. I'm much more educated in the do's and don'ts of super-heroism than Buffy Summers. I would wear a mask, patrol by rooftop, and have a cool car and many cool mechanized accessories in my own Mick motif (e.g., The Mick-a-rang, the Mick-phone, the Mick-Cave). And as they do with most super-heroes, most people would think I was gay, and so would never see Reason #6 coming.
4. It would help me quit smoking.
3. You don't see many action heroes with my specific body type. If I were to became the Slayer, it would open up heretofore seldom available opportunities to Belushi-shaped stunt-men. I'm all about the labor.
2. In 5th grade, I beat up a dude in the 6th grade. Seriously.
1. Season 5 finale - I would've let Dawn die.
9. Upper-class English accents instill instant obedience in me. Me and Giles would totally click. Any women with upper-class English accents should take note of this, or even any women who can fake such an accent.
8. I'm no sexist. I'm no misogynist. But there is one thing women can't do which men can - pee while standing. Well, women can do it, but it's messy. This would make me more prepared for surprise attacks while dehydrating my dinosaur.
7. I would totally have killed Angel and Cordelia in Season 1.
6. I would probably yield to temptation and offer non-interference to female vampires in return for sexual favors. But, I would dust them post-coitus. After cuddling, of course. I'm not a dick.
5. I'm much more educated in the do's and don'ts of super-heroism than Buffy Summers. I would wear a mask, patrol by rooftop, and have a cool car and many cool mechanized accessories in my own Mick motif (e.g., The Mick-a-rang, the Mick-phone, the Mick-Cave). And as they do with most super-heroes, most people would think I was gay, and so would never see Reason #6 coming.
4. It would help me quit smoking.
3. You don't see many action heroes with my specific body type. If I were to became the Slayer, it would open up heretofore seldom available opportunities to Belushi-shaped stunt-men. I'm all about the labor.
2. In 5th grade, I beat up a dude in the 6th grade. Seriously.
1. Season 5 finale - I would've let Dawn die.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I Couldn't Be A Vampire Slayer
10. I'm a dude.
9. I totally would've killed Angel in Season 1.
8. I'm really tired.
7. First time a demon busted into my house and broke my shit, I'd quit. As long as it was my mom's stuff, whatever. Touch my Hulk comics, and that's a deal breaker.
6. I would probably yield to temptation and work out a non-interference deal with female vampires in return for sexual favors. That'd be okay for a while. No danger of squirting a baby, so that's cool. But eventually this would lead to a low population of male vampires and a very high population of female vampires that no longer had any reason to screw me, but would love to kill me. So no difference from real life, except for the super powers.
5. I would never be able to maintain the circle of friends Buffy enjoyed. The prevalence of Sunnydale citizens named after inanimate objects, concepts, or plants (e.g., Spike, Angel, Faith, Willow, Dawn) would lead me to make far too many bad jokes (e.g., "Hey Willow! Getting enough sunlight? No? Talk to Dawn! HA!").
4. I totally would've killed Cordelia in Season 1. Or, alternatively, would've allowed her to be turned into a vampire (followed by an example of Reason #6).
3. Musical Episode.
2. Super-heroes should fly. Buffy doesn't fly. I'll hold out for Superman. Or Iron Man. Or Jesus.
1. Season 7.
9. I totally would've killed Angel in Season 1.
8. I'm really tired.
7. First time a demon busted into my house and broke my shit, I'd quit. As long as it was my mom's stuff, whatever. Touch my Hulk comics, and that's a deal breaker.
6. I would probably yield to temptation and work out a non-interference deal with female vampires in return for sexual favors. That'd be okay for a while. No danger of squirting a baby, so that's cool. But eventually this would lead to a low population of male vampires and a very high population of female vampires that no longer had any reason to screw me, but would love to kill me. So no difference from real life, except for the super powers.
5. I would never be able to maintain the circle of friends Buffy enjoyed. The prevalence of Sunnydale citizens named after inanimate objects, concepts, or plants (e.g., Spike, Angel, Faith, Willow, Dawn) would lead me to make far too many bad jokes (e.g., "Hey Willow! Getting enough sunlight? No? Talk to Dawn! HA!").
4. I totally would've killed Cordelia in Season 1. Or, alternatively, would've allowed her to be turned into a vampire (followed by an example of Reason #6).
3. Musical Episode.
2. Super-heroes should fly. Buffy doesn't fly. I'll hold out for Superman. Or Iron Man. Or Jesus.
1. Season 7.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why Vampires Are Better Than Zombies
10. If vampires don't feed on humans, they die (again). If zombies don't feed on humans, they're okay. They get cranky, but they're always cranky. Conclusion - vampires kill people out of necessity. Zombies kill people because they're assholes.
9. Everyone wants to screw vampires, even people who kill vampires. Buffy the Vampire Slayer? She had two vampire boytoys. No one wants to screw zombies, not even other zombies. They might want to gnaw on each other, but that's it.
8. Vampires have cool names. Dracula. Spike. Angel. Lestat. The cast list of a zombie flick? Zombie #1. Zombie #2. Zombie #3. Zombie #4. Blonde In Sweater. Zombie #5. Etc.
7. Vampires have character. They're devious, suave, seductive, sensual, childlike, and free spirited. Zombies just break shit and eat your nose.
6. Vampires are like ninjas. One can take out a household before anyone knows what's happening. Zombies are like killer bees. They can't do shit unless there's a swarm of them. Otherwise, any B-movie actor can hold them off forever with a shotgun and a golf club.
5. Zombies scare me. Vampires turn me on. Either will kill me, but I'd rather die with a boner.
4. Vampires are discriminating in their tastes. They just want your blood. Zombies will fight each other over everything from your foreskin to your colon.
3. Get killed by a vampire and there's always a chance you'll wake up as a super-powered child of the night. Get killed by a zombie, and you wake up as an ass-hungry corpse.
2. Vampires are clearly the more well-rounded villains. By their nature, they lay claim to a healthy majority of the seven deadly sins. They're gluttonous, lustful, proud, wrathful, and greedy. Zombies, however, only get gluttony. Ironically, being that they're villains who only commit one of the deadly sins, I would argue this renders them sinners of sloth. But they don't get to count that with their sins because it's already being counted against their sins. So there.
1. Satan loves vampires. Nobody loves zombies.
9. Everyone wants to screw vampires, even people who kill vampires. Buffy the Vampire Slayer? She had two vampire boytoys. No one wants to screw zombies, not even other zombies. They might want to gnaw on each other, but that's it.
8. Vampires have cool names. Dracula. Spike. Angel. Lestat. The cast list of a zombie flick? Zombie #1. Zombie #2. Zombie #3. Zombie #4. Blonde In Sweater. Zombie #5. Etc.
7. Vampires have character. They're devious, suave, seductive, sensual, childlike, and free spirited. Zombies just break shit and eat your nose.
6. Vampires are like ninjas. One can take out a household before anyone knows what's happening. Zombies are like killer bees. They can't do shit unless there's a swarm of them. Otherwise, any B-movie actor can hold them off forever with a shotgun and a golf club.
5. Zombies scare me. Vampires turn me on. Either will kill me, but I'd rather die with a boner.
4. Vampires are discriminating in their tastes. They just want your blood. Zombies will fight each other over everything from your foreskin to your colon.
3. Get killed by a vampire and there's always a chance you'll wake up as a super-powered child of the night. Get killed by a zombie, and you wake up as an ass-hungry corpse.
2. Vampires are clearly the more well-rounded villains. By their nature, they lay claim to a healthy majority of the seven deadly sins. They're gluttonous, lustful, proud, wrathful, and greedy. Zombies, however, only get gluttony. Ironically, being that they're villains who only commit one of the deadly sins, I would argue this renders them sinners of sloth. But they don't get to count that with their sins because it's already being counted against their sins. So there.
1. Satan loves vampires. Nobody loves zombies.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Weekly Top 10 Reasons Why Mick Doesn't Suck
10. Mick is intelligent.
9. Mick is creative.
8. Mick is not ugly when he's not too fat.
7. Mick hair has curls women would kill kittens for.
6. Mick is friendly to kittens.
5. Mick is a safe, defensive driver.
4. Mick is a talented writer.
3. Mick is funny.
2. Mick is insightful.
1. Mick is okay with public transportation.
9. Mick is creative.
8. Mick is not ugly when he's not too fat.
7. Mick hair has curls women would kill kittens for.
6. Mick is friendly to kittens.
5. Mick is a safe, defensive driver.
4. Mick is a talented writer.
3. Mick is funny.
2. Mick is insightful.
1. Mick is okay with public transportation.
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