My Top 10 Predictions for 2009

10. Before the end of the year, the new president will say something that will make white people indignant. It will be the same kind of thing that, if said by white people about someone else, would "just be a bit of fun and why do you folks take yourselves so seriously?"

9. Stephen King will release at least one novel, and at least one of the novels released will feature a main character who happens to be a professional writer. From Maine.

8. Hulk will smash everybody. Again.

7. The ratings for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report will plummet.

6. Less people will believe in the Tooth Fairy. I mean Jesus.

5. The ratings for The O'Reilly Factor will soar.

4. Someone will give Dennis Miller another shot at his own talk show. There will be less than six episodes.

3. One of the new popular hand-held gizmos (iphone, kindle, etc.) will fail en masse. The death of the hand-held gizmo will be heralded by all. All will be wrong.

2. A Universal Health Care bill will be introduced in Congress. It will narrowly fail.

1. Glen Danzig will find this blog and respond to one of the posts angrily. I may need a lawyer.

Top 10 Things I Want To Do In 2009

10. Not smoke.

9. Lose Weight.

8. Get a new computer.

7. Get a car.

6. Get a new job.

5. Pay off my debt.

4. Drink more alcohol on a regular basis.

3. Read more books than, like, all of you.

2. Move in with my girlfriend.

1. Write a novel.

P.S. Oh yeah, and update the blog more regularly. Heh.

Top 10 Best Christmas Songs

10. "Oh Holy Night" by Cartman

9. "Santa Has A Mullet" by Nerf Herder

8. "A Gun For Christmas" by The Vandals

7. "Hooray For Santa Claus" by Sloppy Seconds

6. "Homo Christmas" by Pansy Division

5. "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)" by The Ramones

4. "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" by New Bomb Turks

3. "Oi To The World" by The Vandals

2. "Fuck Christmas" by Eric Idle

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

Top 10 Things I Love About Christmas

10. Time off from work or, alternatively, holiday pay.

9. Cartman's version of "Oh Holy Night".

8. I regard my celebration of Christmas much in the same way I regard being an uncle. I'm not a Christian, but I still celebrate Christmas and so don't worry about whether or not I'm paying attention to what Christmas is really all about. It's just like being an uncle. All of the fun. None of the responsibility.

7. Chucking snowballs at Carolers. If they can't sing under duress, fuck 'em. They shouldn't be in the field.

6. The fact that my psycho ex-girlfriend is now my psycho ex-girlfriend, and so I no longer have to take 5 planes and 6 buses and 3 car rides every other Christmas to whatever middle-of-fucking-nowhere place her family is gathering to show how much they don't like being around each other.

5. I don't watch TV, and so don't have to deal with It's a Wonderful Life! Fuck you, movie house.

4. Waiting on the roof with a shotgun. I'll get that bastard one of these years.

3. Occasionally really hitting one out of the park gift-giving wise. Like, my Dad is really tough to buy gifts for. He's a perfect example of the kind of person I mentioned in yesterday's list. I always used to ask him what he wanted, he always told me I didn't have to get him anything, I always got him something anyway, and while he tried to hide it I could tell he was always disappointed. One year, though, I tried extra hard to find something he'd like. No more cologne or ties or anything like that. I got him Todd McFarlane-designed action figures of The Beatles. They were modeled after the animated Beatles from that Yellow Submarine cartoon, and I could tell he really dug them. That was a first, and unfortunately, so far, a last.

2. Now that I have two beautiful nephews, I get to enjoy watching them go nuts over Christmas in a way I just can't anymore.

1. Free shit.

Top 10 Things I Hate About Christmas

10. The fact that everything that happens around Christmas has to be about Christmas. All the fucking music is Christmas music. All the parties are Christmas parties. All the food is Christmas-y food. A blizzard hits town that blacks out a large part of the region, closes businesses, and maybe even causes a few deaths, "Well gee, it's gettin' to look a lot like CHRISS-MUSS! Yuk yuk!" Even the porn is Christmas-themed. It's lame.

9. The fact that it's in winter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a winter-hater. There are good sides and bad sides to it. But why couldn't we change our schedule so that the time of year that everyone is driving around madly to buy gifts for family and friends, get food for Christmas dinners and Christmas parties, and all around just do Christmas-y stuff, is NOT the one time of year that you should keep your fucking car in the fucking driveway?

8. Shopping malls. These places suck when you aren't getting shoved around by maddened parents trying to find the hot toy item that's sold out everywhere. Being in a very lack-of-fundage place this year, I have opted to try more alternative Christmas gifts of the I-Made-This variety, and thankfully for the first time in many years I have completely avoided both of the humungo-shopping-malls in my area. I plan to keep it that way until we're all done with celebrating the birth of a fictional hippie by maxing out credit cards on wii's and blue ray discs.

7. The fact that I'm the smartest person in the world when it comes to gift-giving and no one appreciates it. Mind you, I'm not talking about ME giving gifts, I'm talking about people giving gifts TO me. I used to send out mass e-mails every year telling people, "If you are going to get me something, get me THIS." I did this because whenever I ask anyone what they want for Christmas, they always respond with, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything!" No. I don't. But I'm going to. You know I'm going to. So just cut the shit, and fucking tell me what the fuck you fucking want. You will save me a lot of trouble and time and money. So, I used to try to tell people exactly what I wanted to help them out, and this was considered as brazen and selfish. So now I have to be a coy bastard like everyone else. It's annoying.

6. That Beatles song. Not the "feel guilty about starving Africans while you're sucking on candy canes" song, but the "REAL-LEE. HAV-ING. A wonderful Christmas time!" song. "Really having a wonderful Christmas time?" Wow, there's that vaunted Beatles poetry for ya. I prefered "This Thanksgiving Was Okay," and "No, I Had Fun On Halloween, I Swear. Really", but it's definitely better than "Easter Was Kinda Cool, But I Had The Shits".

5. Salvation Army folks in front of stores. Not that they aren't doing good work, they are. But I just can't afford to give anything and it makes me feel bad.

4. Kids following me around trying to give me their Christmas lists. What the fuck? I fucking broadcast my PO Box all over the place. But nnnooooo... they want to deliver it in person and get a kiss on the cheek and make me eat their shitty little cookies.

3. No feats of strength at most parties.

2. Disturbing Christmas movies that try to come off as not being disturbing. Like that movie where the kid's dead father comes back to life as a snowman. Or those Tim Allen movies where Allen gives up his family to be Santa Claus. I mean, I did it for a few years because they paid me under the table and let me smoke in the workshop. But if I'd had a kid that would've been totally irresponsible.

1. The theme in Christmas movies, like one of the ones mentioned in #2, that it's BAD to let your kids think there's no Santa Claus. Seems to me we have enough things in our culture telling us it's bad to not believe in things we know aren't true. Just keep on chanting "Mission Accomplished" and tell yourself the economy's fine. See how far that gets you, dickwad.

Top 10 Reasons Why Lord of the Rings Is Better Than Star Wars

10. I am fairly certain that neither J.R.R. Tolkien nor Peter Jackson had the motto "Blue Screen Solves Every Problem" tattooed to their asses.

To be fair, the special effects of the original Star Wars films were revolutionary for their time. That's part of the irony. I feel very strongly that - in spite of the obvious improvements in special effects between the production of the original films and that of the prequels - the special effects of the original films worked better and were, in fact, more believable than those of the prequels.

I was particularly struck by this when they started heavily promoting Revenge of the Sith. Their first teaser trailer for Sith had very few clips from the film itself, and instead had clips from all the preceding films. In one part, you see Luke in the original film on Tattooine, looking at the planet's twin suns. In another, there was a shot from Attack of the Clones, with Darth Jr. on his speeder heading for the Sand People, and in the background - once again - you see the planet's two suns. The first shot looked like what it was supposed to look like - a guy staring at two suns. The latter shot looked like an asshole in front of blue screen.

In other words, the effects of the original Star Wars films, and those of Lord of the Rings, were there to do what special effects in films of the fantastic are supposed to do - suspend the viewers' disbelief and draw them into the fictional world. Whereas the CGI of the prequels was there to make you think "Wow! Cool CGI!"

9. Stories written by writers can be fun!

8. Most of the actors involved with Lord of the Rings went on to do more than cartoon voices and lame comic-book related Christopher-Guest-rip-off mockumentaries.

7. Lord of the Rings did not attempt to shove a faux Eastern religion down the throats of its audience.

6. When villains in Lord of the Rings get burnt all to shit by lava, they actually die.

5. When Gandalf found a race of goofy diminutives, they didn't try to eat him.

4. As far as I know, no principal characters in Lord of the Rings - in either the books or the films - french kissed their sisters.

3. Christopher Lee played a villain in both film franchises, but in Lord of the Rings he wasn't given a name that toddlers use to describe SHIT.

2. No Jar Jar.

1. The books are better. The movies are better. Simple as that.

Top 10 Reasons Why The Incredible Hulk Should Have Been In Lord of the Rings

10. Hulk jumps = much shorter trip to Mordor.

9. Hulk vs. Sauron. Hulk wins.

8. The siege of Gondor. Hulk has shrugged off bullets, tank shells, missiles, and nuclear blasts. I don't think a bunch of swords and spears and punk rock elephants would've posed much of a challenge.

7. Hulk vs. Balrog. Hulk wins.

6. Hulk is cool. Dwarves are cool. Dwarves and Hulk would totally get along. So the orcs and the balrog would never have taken over Moria because the Hulk would've smashed them all. The Fellowship would've arrived at Moria to much alcohol and meat. And advances from short women with beards. Problem solved. Though dwarf syphilis would run rampant.

5. Would give the Hulk another chance to beat the shit out of Iron Man. This would not have helped the Fellowship, but I would've enjoyed it.

4. Hulk vs. Legolas. Hulk wins. Shield-surfing scene never happens.

3. Hulk could've brought along She-Hulk, which would've helped stem all the gay jokes about the sausage party Fellowship.

2. Hulk would've smashed the ship that brought Gandalf, the elves, and Frodo to the Grey Havens. Then he would've realized this would mean he'd have to hang out with the elves more. Then he would've smashed the elves. The lack of elves would cancel Christmas, which would do away with a capitalist holiday that causes more harm than good.

1. The Ring corrupts through the promise of power. If you gave The Ring to Hulk, it would be like using casual sex to tempt a rock star. The Hulk is already the strongest one there is, and so the Ring would have no effect.

Top 10 Worst Discrepancies Between the Lord of the Rings Books And Films

10. The savage men of Rohan. Now these guys were in the film, but for the life of me, I have no idea why. There's a scene that shows them swearing fealty to Saruman, and he gives them a big speech to get them all fired up. And then they proceed to have pretty much nothing to do with the unfolding story. In the books, the savage men fight on the side of the orcs at Helm's Deep, and afterwards they actually make peace with Theoden after years of conflict, and you're made to think it's a pretty significant moment in Rohan's history. But none of that was in the film, so I just don't get why they were in it at all, other than to give Peter Jackson yet another cameo. Not a huge complaint, but I think it was an example of where Jackson and co. failed to either shit or get off the pot.

9. Balin and Gloin. Gloin and Balin were two of the dwarves that accompanied Bilbo on his journeys in The Hobbit. While Gloin is not mentioned during the film version of The Council of Elrond (except when Elrond says "Gimli, son of Gloin"), in the books he is one of the dwarves in the Council (and actually has a lot more dialogue in that scene than Gimli), and since Gimli is accompanied by other anonymous dwarves in the film scene, it's likely one of those faceless shorties is supposed to be Gloin. Balin is the dead dwarf whose tomb the Fellowship finds in Moria. And in the book, it is made clear that a couple of Bilbo's other former companions died in Moria (unless I'm mistaken, the journal Gandalf reads from mentions one of them being killed by the big octopus thing in the water at the entrance). The fact that these characters actually played significant parts in the story preceding Fellowship, and therefore the story of the Ring itself, and that this connection isn't mentioned at all, is a little disappointing, especially since we do see both Gimli and Gandalf clearly upset about Balin's death. Not a huge complaint, but just a little disappointing.

8. Merry, Pippin, and Gimli. I think the respective actors playing these roles did fine jobs. Still, I was disappointed that all three basically became nothing but comic relief in the films. I have less of a complaint with Gimli, because honestly in the books his character is no more distinguishable from that of any other dwarf than Legolas's is from any other elf, but Merry and Pippin have a bit more going for them. But in the films they pretty much became R2D2 and C3P0. One thing people who haven't read the books might be surprised to learn, for example, is the manner in which they join Frodo on his journeys is a lot different in Tolkien's version. As I mentioned in yesterday's list, in the books there's a span of twenty years between the time Bilbo leaves the Shire and when Frodo leaves the Shire. And Frodo takes a LOT of time to prepare for his journey. Specifically, he does a lot of things to hide the fact that he's leaving on a journey, and he buys a house closer to the borders of the Shire to help explain his absence from Bag End. Merry and Pippin are brought along just to help him move initially, but eventually they figure out what's going on and volunteer to help get Frodo to Rivendell. It's a lot different from just having them tag along after nearly tumbling into a pile of horse shit.

7. Saruman's death (or lack thereof). While we get to see Saruman bite the big one in the extended version of Return of the King, he's completely absent from the theatrical version. And that just plain sucked. He pretty much was the only major villain with an actual body that we got in the first two films, and we were just left hanging about what happened to him? Not to mention the fact that Pippin's discovery of the Palanthir makes no sense without Saruman's death scene. I mean, what the fuck are we supposed to think? Saruman was like all, "Dude, look at all that water! I'm pissed! I'm gonna throw stuff into it! Including the most powerful glowy thing I own! That'll show 'em!"

6. The wizards' staves. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I've read Lord of the Rings three times, and I never got any kind of sense that the wizards' staves were supposed to be the focus of their powers. I get that Jackson didn't want to have them doing things like shooting lasers and bolts of lightning, because that would look pretty cheesy. But still, these guys aren't wizards in the sense that Dungeons & Dragons magic-users are wizards. They aren't just normal guys who read a lot of freaky shit. They're basically demi-gods. Having their staves be some kind of center for their power made no sense to me.

5. The eagles. One thing that didn't come through as strongly in the movies as it did in the books was the idea that on Middle Earth animals are both sentient and intelligent. The result is that I think a lot of people didn't get the involvement of the eagles. When Gandalf talks to that little moth on top of Orthanc (Saruman's tower, where he was being held hostage), he isn't summoning the eagles for help, he's basically asking an old bud for a favor. And when the eagles show up at the end to kick some ring-wraith ass, Gandalf doesn't summon them, they show up on their own because they understand the gravity of the situation. But the way it was handled in the film made it look like they were just something Gandalf could summon any time he wanted to, which led to the question of why he didn't just have one of them carry the Ring to Mount Doom and drop the fucking thing in.

4. The broken staircase in Moria. A lot of people dug this scene. I didn't. It was okay up to a point, and led to the funny "NOT THE BEARD!" line from Gimli, but watching Aragorn and Frodo surf on a giant broken stone staircase just looked stupid to me.

3. Denethor. I just felt this guy wasn't handled with any sympathy. We never learn, for example, that Denethor was in possession of a Palanthir (the same swirly, crystal ball thing Saruman had), and that it was largely the Palanthir that drove him insane. Not to mention the fact that the responsibility he shoulders is pretty immense. It is basically the city he rules that stands between Middle Earth and absolute destruction. And as I mentioned before on another list, having Gandalf bonk him on the head with his staff was just so many kinds of dumb. I don't care how crazy he was. Every Gondorian soldier in sight would've skewered Gandalf's bearded ass if they had seen him do that.

2. Boromir. Sean Bean did a wonderful job, but he did a wonderful job with a character who was a pale imitation of Boromir. The Boromir of the books was flawed, definitely, but he was brave and was clearly shown to be one of the most powerful warriors of the Fellowship, maybe THE most powerful. The way he was handled in the film lets you know right off the bat that he's going to turn to the dark side. Yeah, he redeems himself in the end, but his death just doesn't seem to hold as much weight because you always knew it was going to happen. It's interesting to think about this when you watch the extended versions of Fellowship and Two Towers. A lot of the scenes that were cut were ones that showed Boromir in a much kinder light. For example, there's a scene in the extended Fellowship that shows the group right after Gandalf's "death" in Moria. They're sitting around in one of the elven tree stands in the forest, because the elves are arguing with Aragorn about whether or not to let them through. In the meantime, you see the assembled members of the group giving Frodo these sideways glances, and you get the idea that maybe they're secretly blaming Frodo for Gandalf's death. Boromir is the only one to say anything comforting to Frodo - "You carry a great burden, Frodo. Do not carry the weight of the dead." Likewise, towards the end of the film there's an argument between Boromir and Aragorn about where to bring the Ring, and for once Boromir actually starts making more sense than Aragorn. A flashback sequence was cut from Two Towers as well, in which we see - among other things - Boromir defending Faramir from their abusive, overbearing father. I understand why they were cut. I assume Jackson and co., strapped for time, felt they shouldn't invest so much in a character who wouldn't survive the first film. Still, as a Tolkien fan, it's a shame.

1. Legolas surfboarding on a shield down the steps of Helm's Deep while shooting orcs. Do I need to explain the stupid of this? Do I need to talk about the unfortunate influence Orlando Bloom's experience with a certain Disney franchise had on Lord of the Rings? I don't think so.

Top 10 Best Discrepancies Between the Lord of the Rings Books And Films

10. The absence of Tom Bombadil. Unlike a lot of Tolkien fans who read the books before the release of the films, I really couldn't have given two shits about this character's presence in the adaptation of Fellowship. The main reason for his exclusion seems fairly obvious. It's the same reason for the time discrepancy between the books and the films (for those who have never read the books, or maybe have read them but have forgotten, somewhere around twenty years are supposed to pass between the time of Bilbo's birthday party and when Frodo finally leaves the Shire with Sam, Merry, and Pippin). Jackson and co. were trying to create a sense of urgency. The hobbits have the ring - which basically puts a big honking target on their backs - and nine of the most dangerous creatures ever to walk middle-earth, the ring wraiths, are on their tail. Maintaining that desperate sense of urgency in a film would be next to impossible if you decide to stage a little interlude in which the hobbits hang out with some cheery fat guy who dances around forests and sings to trees. And while Bombadil seems important to the overall Tolkien mythology, when it comes to the actual story of the Ring, he's a pretty minor character. Even peripheral characters like Radagast the Brown, the Sackville Bagginses, and Glorfindel are more directly important to the story than fat ol' Tom.

9. The battle between the Rohirrim and the Worg riders in The Two Towers. There was no such fight in the book, and I was happy to see it in the film mainly because of another discrepancy. In the books, the Fellowship fight a ravenous pack of worgs right before they go into Moria. In fact, the presence of the worgs is one of the main reasons why they decide to brave Moria. Since that fight wasn't in the first film - and since they had little to nothing to do with the rest of the story - I was afraid that we wouldn't get any worgie goodness at all in any of the flicks (there were a few in Return of the King during the siege of Gondor, but not many).

8. The Council of Elrond. This scene, in the book, is long. Arguably, too long. Maybe. I don't know. Depends on your tastes. Definitely not the best written portion of the books. You find out a lot of cool stuff about what's going on in the world that isn't 100% directly relevant to the story. But if you're someone like me who enjoys learning about the peripheral stuff in Tolkien's world, it's pretty cool. But still, translated word-for-word on screen it wouldn't have worked. I mean, even if they cut half the stuff out it would've been too long. For example, one of the biggest differences between this scene in the book and the film is that in the book, neither Elrond nor anyone else summoned all these people to Rivendell. They all just kind of end up showing up at the same time for different reasons. Boromir's there because of a prophetic dream. The dwarves are there because Sauron's people have been knocking on their doors and trying to turn them to the dark side, while at the same time while they don't know exactly what's happened in Moria, they've lost contact with Moria and are worried about their fellow shorties. The way it's done in the film comes out much more smoothly. The one difference I'm not sure about is Bilbo's absence. Though his presence in the Council isn't really, really important or anything, it does show a lot about his character and his continued obsession with the ring when he volunteers to take the ring to Mordor himself.

7. Aerwyn. Her character is just a little blip on the screen in the books. I thought the long-distance love story turned out quite nicely, and her character simply meant a lot more in the films. I am glad that Jackson and co. didn't go as far as they originally intended, however. According to the behind-the-scenes stuff in the extended editions, Jackson actually filmed scenes in which Aerwyn showed up at Helm's Deep in The Two Towers with the rest of the elf contingent. That would've been going way too far. Plus, if Aerwyn had been at Helm's Deep, how would you explain her going away after being reunited with Aragorn? And if she didn't go away, how could you have that nice, gooey reunion in Minas Tirith at the end?

6. The Scouring of the Shire. I think this is another place where I differ with a lot of Tolkien fans. In the books, the four hobbits return to the Shire to learn that a bunch of evil humans have taken over the Shire and have essentially enslaved the populace. The leader of the humans is eventually revealed to be Saruman. Now, unlike Bombadil, I do think the Scouring is important to the story because the four hobbits are able to handle the situation without any "big folk" to help them, and it shows just how much they've changed since they left. It also shows that even their idyllic little slice of heaven could be corrupted by the evil that was threatening the rest of Middle Earth. Still, its absence in the films was necessary mainly for two reasons. First, after the siege of Gondor, the battle at the Black Gate, and the destruction of the Ring, "Riot in Hobbit Town" couldn't have seemed like anything BUT anticlimax. Second, dude, do you know how long I'd been holding in my pee by that point already? Forget it.

5. Bree. In the book, there's a lot more stuff that happens in Bree. There's this whole drama involving a guy who's basically been bribed by the ring wraiths, there's the story of how Sam gets his mule, a story about the innkeeper and his connection with Gandalf, and some of it is kind of neat. Still, the movie would've been something like a half hour longer with all of it in there. And there are a few things that happen in Bree in the books that are just plain stupid. For example, one of the hobbits (either Merry or Pippin, I forget which, though I think it's Merry) end up running into a couple of the ring wraiths, and they cast some spell on him that puts him to sleep...for no discernible reason. They don't follow him to his buddies once he wakes up, they just put him to sleep. Kind of makes you wonder why they didn't just cut the little shit in half. It's kind of silly. I never got that.

4. The love affair between Legolas and Boromir. I just always skipped that part of the books. Not trying to be narrow-minded, it was just icky. And I don't care if he's an elf, I don't see how he could have that many piercings down there.

3. All of Elrond's martial arts fights with Neo. I just never thought they were relevant. Figured they should make a whole separate movie for that.

2. How Tolkien told the stories of The Two Towers and Return of the King. In the books, Tolkien completely separates the stories once the Fellowship splits. So, for example, when you read The Two Towers, it starts off with Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn going after the Uruk-hai who captured Merry and Pippin, and the first half ends with the Battle of Helm's Deep. During that whole time, you never see or hear anything about Sam and Frodo. Then, the second half of the story starts with Sam and Frodo beginning their journey, and ends right after the fight with, um, the big spider whose name I'm forgetting and am too lazy to find out even though the books are, like, ten feet away from me, oh HELL, hold on...SHELOB! Heh, remembered before I even got to the books. Well, anyway, I guess it goes without saying, but having the movies unfold that way would have been pretty damn stupid. Though, I do think it worked very well in the books.

1. All the FUCKING singing. Yeah, there was some singing in the films. And there was a little bit more singing in the extended versions, but NEITHER had all the goddamned singing that's in the books. That, more than anything, should be enough to dissuade any Tolkien purists who think it should've been adapted word-for-word. If it had, it would've been a fucking musical.

Top 10 Reasons Why - Starting With Tomorrow's Post - The Lists For Each Week Will Be Based On A Single Theme

10. 'Cause. I wanna.

9. It makes it a lot easier to come up with ideas for lists. Believe it or not, sometimes at 5:30 in the morning I really don't have a lot of ideas about how to entertain my tasteful, discerning audience. If I can narrow it down to a single theme like "Science Fiction" or "Monkeys" or "Tits", I at least have something guiding me.

8. Gives me an excuse to change the banner each week.

7. I can put up periodic polls asking YOU, my loyal readers, what you would like to see as a theme! I will quickly discard the results of these polls, but you can at least express yourselves.

6. Makes me more marketable to The Man.

5. I can write all my lists on one day and just schedule them to post themselves later in the week. It's awesome. For example, this coming week's theme will be Lord of the Rings. So I already came up with the ideas for all 7 lists, then over the course of today I can write all those lists and set them up to automatically post one minute after midnight each day. It's like working a 7-day week in one day. I feel like a state worker.

4. Gives me more time in the morning for porn brushing my teeth.

3. Because I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

2. There really aren't any themes I can't work Hulk into.

1. There really aren't any themes I can't work porn brushing my teeth into.

Top 10 Ways To dsml sd kqeeejjjjjjjjjr

10. I should not be up this early.

9. Where am I?

8. Why is there no one else in this building and what the hell am I doing here?

7. who the thing

6. df44444444444444444444

5. No, no. I'm up.

4. Stop it.

3. You're not funny.

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Top 10 Ways To Skin A Boss

10. Lava.

9. Find out the address of the local chapter of the CSA - Cannibal Skinners of America. Give your boss the address, but don't tell him what it is. Just tell him there are a lot of people there who like it when you talk about yourself. For hours. Especially if you mainly talk about high school. Even though you're, like, 50.

8. Get a nice, secure hold right under the skin on his forehead, and then roll him down a hill. It'll be like peeling an apple. Except with blood. And a hill.

7. Get some secure restraints, duct tape, a private space, and a dull spoon. Make a weekend of it.

6. While he's asleep, sneak into his bedroom and whisper "Everyone knows you're not 25" in his ear. He'll jump out of his own skin and run screaming.

5. Skin him while he's asleep. If you can't get him to stay asleep or go to sleep, use a simple trap. Put a picture of naked, genetically enhanced tits inside a book. Any book. After looking at the tits for 3 hours, he will get curious about the book, read a few sentences, and fall into a deep coma from the strain. You can set off a nuke next to his head and he'll keep snoring.

4. Do #5, but set the book down in the middle of his lawn. Then, get the mower.

3. Really hot coffee.

2. Bear.

1. Ninja.

My Top 10 Favorite Things About Being Me

10. When drunk, I am surprisingly coherent and eloquent. I'm still a slurring, clumsy monkey, but you'll never meet a smarter drunk who's hitting on your Mom or breaking furniture.

9. Apparently, people who see me but don't know me get the impression that I'm some big, tough guy. I'm totally not, but I look like I ate a Hell's Angel, and it's kept me safe in relatively unsafe neighborhoods.

8. Everyone wants to have sex with me. I understand. It's cool. It's a lot of pressure, but I can handle it.

7. My rich, developed imagination takes me to fantastic worlds of wonder and majesty. I don't even need porn.

6. My musical taste is better than yours.

5. My name. It's cool. It took me a long time to appreciate it, and substitute teachers' roll calls didn't help, but I'm cool with it now. And it totally contributes to #8.

4. Kids love me. No, really. They flock to me like I'm made of candy. I don't love kids nearly as much as they love me, and frankly wish they'd leave me the hell alone sometimes, but it just feels good to know kids think you're the bee's knees. I mean, that's gotta give me some points.

3. My facial hair. I just love it.

2. My girlfriend. And I'm sorry that her presence fucks up #8 for the rest of you. Sorry. She's just the only one for me.

1. I could totally kick your ass.

Top 10 Issues I Have With The Philosophers Of Popular Music

10. If you sing about someone's vanity, then yes, that song is actually about them. What's confusing us here?

9. What does it matter if, when you drink alone, you prefer to drink by yourself? What are you telling us here? How can you drink alone without being by yourself? Are you trying to tell us that you're always alone? Are you trying to make a kind of lonely alcoholic empowering statement, like, you're alone because you prefer to be, or are you just drunk?

8. Tidal waves don't spin over your head. Whirlpools spin. Dumb ass.

7. No, John, sorry. You really do need more than love.

6. You know, most cities have green grass and pretty girls. Like, even crappy cities. Like Utica.

5. I don't know what your problem is with Scrubs but it's an awesome show. I totally lawl. Go set some more bathtubs on fire, retard.

4. I don't understand why a song whose basic message is "you're not always able to fuck who you want to fuck, but there should be someone around drunk enough," requires a boys choir in the background. If it were a Michael Jackson song then, sure, I'd get it. But it wasn't.

3. "Pink, it's my favorite crayon"? Dude. If you've been in the same band for over thirty years and you start borrowing the lyrical styles of Adam Sandler, it's time to give up. Live off your daughter's elf money. It's okay. Silverstone will be able to find work without you.

2. "Hey There Delilah" is stupid. I'd find a more clever way to say that, but I have to get ready for work.

1. This.

Top 10 Favorite Things About My New Monthly Night Work Trips to Great Barrington

10. Feelings of self-righteousness towards masses of the kind of pseudo-liberal, rich fucks who think "antique" should be used as a verb.

9. Overtime.

8. It's truly rare to find someone who loves what they do, and all the lecturers have one thing in common - they love to talk. For a long. Long. Long. Time.

7. My presence in Great Barrington is something akin to magic. As soon as I cross its borders, the populace is united. I find the high school where the lecture is taking place, set up my recording equipment in the lecture hall, and as I work the entirety of GB stands outside the lecture hall discussing one thing - how many questions they can come up with for me that I don't know the answer to and don't care about.

6. The people of Great Barrington are a truly evolved species. They have moved beyond any kind of understanding of common sense or body language. For example, if I am obviously working on my recording equipment, if I am wearing headphones and listening intently to them, and if I in fact have a job whose primary requirement is that my sense of hearing be directed at one specific thing; it's very likely that all of these things going on at the same time would signal - to the knuckle-dragging legions of the savage races - that I'm listening to what I'm listening to because I have to, because it's my job, and because it's very likely things could go wrong if I don't. But the people of Great Barrington have moved beyond such rudimentary communication, so much so that they don't even comprehend it. They will come up to me and ask me where the best seat in the place is, whether or not the seat over there is taken, whether it's okay if they plug their personal recorders into the sound board, whose sweater that is over on that chair, where the speakers are so they can sit near them, what channel they can get my station on in Pittsfield, or just to swagger up to me stupidly and say nothing but, "So...you're the sound guy, huh?"

5. According to Rage Against The Machine, anger is a gift. If so, Christmas came motherfucking early.

4. Country roads are so fucking boring when you can actually see where they go.

3. When you can't see where country roads are going, you get to see many more country roads.

2. If the car breaks down on a Great Barrington Road and I'm accosted and raped by Great Barrington bumpkins, I will at least know that after their assault they will give me tips on where to find the best covered bridges, which antique stores in the area are the best, and great stories about how they almost made it to Woodstock.

1. The end of the return trip is the only time I'm ever happy to see Arbor Hill.

Top 10 Things I Learned Yesterday While Rearranging My Apartment

10. Playing Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the background while I work on something is surprisingly helpful, and I can get through almost an entire season in one day.

9. It is possible to live without a "Fuck It" Closet (i.e., a closet specifically for those times when you really want to put something somewhere that keeps everything organized, you can't find a place, so you say "Fuck It" and throw it in, trying to simultaneously stop the various sleeping bags, Christmas presents, pillows, seasonal clothing, and broken medical equipment you've already stuffed in there from falling out as you open the door).

8. If there are productive things you want to do with your computer, and you tend to find it difficult to motivate yourself to do them, one possible solution is to move your computer so that it is NOT in the same room as your bed.

7. There's always shit I forgot to put somewhere. And once I put it somewhere, there will be more shit.

6. The talking Hulk Hands I bought in 2003 still work.

5. Lots of things, regardless of The Force, don't move until you get up and move them.

4. In spite of the fact that I've only lived in my current apartment for 8 months, I have moved my TV, DVD player, and stereo from my living room to my bedroom and back to my living room at least 4 times at this point.

3. I own more unused and unusable power cords than a Radio Shack on fire.

2. Even though the cord from my cable modem to my computer is long enough, using a computer in a different room than that of the aforementioned modem feels dirty. It works, but it just feels wrong. Like smoking a cigarette in an outdoor mall.

1. If I actually do what I planned to do on a particular day, then the thing I planned to have done on that day gets done.

Top 10 Messages To My Nephew On His 5th Birthday

10. Your name could've been "Finbar". We yelled at your Dad a lot. You're welcome.

9. Hey, if you want some REAL money, keep the toys in their packages. Well. At least some of them.

8. Learn to sleep in busy-looking poses. School and work will be much more rewarding.

7. Hulk is the strongest one there is. Don't question it. Just know it.

6. You'll start to learn jokes soon. There are a lot of potentially offensive subjects you'll want to avoid. Just remember that no one ever minds when you make fun of Polish people.

5. The secret of playing Six Degrees of Separation is Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Everyone forgets it was Kevin Bacon racing Steve Martin for the taxi in the beginning. Only go to JFK if you have to, cuz, like, everyone's in that movie. Go there if you have to, but it's the pussy move.

4. You are probably going to eventually think a particular entertainer is a rebellious genius. They are going to overdose on narcotics, blow their heads off, hang themselves, or find some other way to get themselves killed. Be prepared for it.

3. Whenever you go into a hotel or motel, turn on the TV and look for Law & Order. If you can't find an episode of it within an hour of entering the room, you have entered an alternate dimension where everyone's lizards and there's no Law & Order. Bar the doors and load your gun, they'll be coming for you soon.

2. A large percentage of the people your parents direct you to call "uncle" or "aunt" aren't actually related. Remember that. Me. REAL uncle. ME. ME.

1. Walk without rhythm. Tell Fatboy Slim to kiss your ass.

Top 10 Things You Should Know About The Upcoming Wolverine Film

10. Apparently, Wolverine was alive during World War II, at which point he saved Private Ryan.



9. Yep. you guessed it. Even Wolverine fucked Ben Franklin.

8. Wolverine was not only alive in World War II, but World War I! He's not looking forward to World War III. It will make just as much money and have better special effects, but still suck.

7. He was alive during the Ice Age, at which point the Hulk kicked his ass.



6. You know that "hobbit" body they found? Yep. Wolverine fucked him too.

5. He's so old, he actually remembers when the successful formula for a super-hero franchise was more than "let's just have him kill guys and be an asshole."

4. He's so old, he remembers when Stan Lee first started making up the bullshit stories he tells now about how all of Marvel's ideas were his. EXCELSIOR!

3. He was alive during many comic-cons, at which point he did not get laid.



2. Wolverine often reminisces about the ancient days when having 10 gigs of storage memory was, like, a whole lot!

1. Wolverine was alive during the rule of the Roman Empire, at which point the Hulk kicked his ass.

Top 10 Worst Ways To STOP Obsessing Over The Online Game You Can't Play Yet

10. Constantly searching for youtube videos of the new intro quest line with the sweet new class and all the sweet new pets like the big rhino and the t-rexes and the glowy cat.

9. Spending two days writing roleplay backstories for every playable race in the game, both genders, only ONE of which you will use IF you even get to play the game anytime in the near future.

8. Copying and pasting the of the history of the game world into a word document and printing it out to read for no particular reason.

7. Glen Danzig.

6. Constantly posting on your former guild's forum MORE THAN ANY SINGLE OTHER MEMBER WHO IS ACTUALLY PRESENTLY PLAYING THE FUCKING GAME.

5. Making daily trips to the wiki dedicated to the game in question to read all about the neat things you can't see yet.

4. Being me.

3. Covering the night shift for a week so you pretty much have nothing to do but surf the web and find out about more cool stuff you can't do.

2. Blasting Haddaway's "What Is Love" during your night shift. It helps for about 4 minutes, but then you're back to the reality where you're obsessed with playing a game you can't play yet.

1. Porn.

Top 10 Things I Just Fucking LOVE About My Temporary Return To The Night Shift

10. There are so many cool videos on youtube about Wrath of the Lich King, so I get constant reminders of what I'm missing.

9. Last time I worked this shift, I had access to a car and so foolishly discarded the idea of walking home alone at 5 in the morning through a high crime area.

8. Getting to watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report again.

7. Once it's over, at the beginning of next week, I will experience that wonderful Christmas-morning-like anticipation about finding out whether my return to the province of the sun will cause me to burst into flames, or if some nosy reporter has figured out I'm Batman.

6. Playing cards with the mice. Ratty's a cheating motherfucker, but Squeaky will put out for any kind of cheese at all. She's a muenster slut.

5. I love seeing and talking to no one. It really strengthens my personal connections to the my workplace and the world overall.

4. Glen Danzig.

3. Thinking about the early morning employees walking in and wondering who could have possibly left the mouth-watering aroma of freshly-nuked microwave popcorn in the air.

2. Overtime.

1. C-SPAN.

Top 10 "Facts" I Would Like To Claim Are True But Cannot Prove (Or Could Prove, But Am Too Lazy To)

10. I was the only person in the history of Christian Brothers Academy to go to school with purple hair.

9. President-Elect Obama will be the first United States President to have more vowels in his last name than consonants.

8. Santa is not actually real, not even kind of, even if you believe he's real in your stupid heart.

7. In full-scale dwarf/elf war, dwarves would totally fucking win.

6. David Bowie isn't particularly afraid of Americans. Though Trent Reznor probably is.

5. If Agent Cooper and Agent Mulder had just switched jobs, everyone would've been so much happier.

4. Twilight sucks.

3. Once they do The Avengers movie, Hulk is going to kill everyone.

2. I was the inspiration the Rocky movies (but then they decided to make him a boxer).

1. Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.

Top 10 Songs You Didn't Know Were Really About The Incredible Hulk

10. "Sad But True" by Metallica

9. "Only" by Nine Inch Nails

8. "Drain You" by Nirvana

7. "I'll Be You" by The Replacements

6. "Burn" by Nine Inch Nails

5. "Show Me How To Live" by Audioslave

4. "Had A Dad" by Jane's Addiction

3. "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit

2. "It's Not Easy Bein' Green" by Kermit the Frog

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

Top 10 Things That Make Me So Mad I Could Punch A Baby

10. This face -


9. Ellen Degeneres dancing.

8. Guys who walk around constantly jiggling their keys. Keys are things you stick into something to get somewhere you want to go. Which means guys who walk around waving and jiggling their keys are essentially flopping their cocks around for everyone to see. And that's gross.

7. My boss.

6. People who argue against universal health care, a single payor system, or some form of free health care for all Americans. Yeah, I'm a liberal and I have my biases. But I'm not completely narrow-minded. When it comes to most of my liberal beliefs, I am firm with them but that doesn't mean I can't understand why someone would feel the opposite. I can respect their points of view and disagree with them at the same time. But when it comes to health care, I just don't see how it could reasonably have anything to do with party affiliation or ideology. It's health care. It's essential. If you don't believe that every person in our country deserves free, quality health care (and yes, Minute Men, that includes illegal immigrants), then I do not and will not respect your views. You're not a democrat, republican, or anything else. You're not even human.

And if you're a conservative who fears free health care because it reeks of socialism, then I hope the next time your house is on fire that your local fire department demands payment up front before they plug in the hoses, you fucking nazi shitwheel.

5. The fact that everyone's playing Wrath of the Lich King right now but me.

4. Viruses attached to porn. Don't we use porn to avoid viruses?

3. My evil student loan lenders.

2. Time Travelers. Just let go of the past guys. Just let it go.

1. Davy Crockett. How can you be King of the Wild Frontier? If it's so fucking wild, how could you claim any kind of monarchical rule over it?

Top 10 Things I Expected To Have Done By Now That I Haven't

10. Published a novel.

9. Tried more drugs than I actually have.

8. Owned a car.

7. Been given a Lifetime Consumer Award from Diet Pepsi and/or Smartfood.

6. Fought off a trio of drunken brutes with a combination of martial arts, brute force, and sharp wit.

5. Been so happy that I spontaneously broke into song in public, and the happiness was so infectious it led the entire neighborhood into the same song, which they somehow knew by heart just like me.

4. Been a super-villain.

3. Made more than $20,000 a year.

2. Could afford to buy a dresser that actually isn't the same dresser I was using in grade school.

1. Been smashed by Hulk. I've got it comin'.

Top 10 Things I Am Really, Really Bad At

10. Resisting porn.

9. Making anything look like it should. Like food. Or carpentry work. I make kick-ass lasagna, but it never ends up as what most people would technically call lasagna. It just kind of looks like a mish-mash of pasta and meat and melted cheese. It's like an Italian sloppy joe. Without the bread. I am literally incapable of drawing a straight line that is actually straight. And Christmas is my most embarrassing time of the year. If I use less than two dozen pieces of tape, there's no way my presents won't be showing at least a little bit of skin. Thank Hulk for gift bags and Christmas tins.

8. Saving money. Really. When it comes to money, I'm like a domesticated animal is with food. Like, you know how you could feed your dog or cat until they're bursting, but they still nose around once you bring out your own dinner? That's because they're animals. And even though they're all housebroken, their instincts are still telling them that if there's food around, they should get it. NOW. I'm like that with money. Something in my head just says "well, you have it, why the fuck aren't you spending it?" And one week, two television series' season dvd sets, six graphic novels, and at least three porn paysites later, I feel a hell of a lot worse than your dog does even if he's shitting out your jar of super chunky peanut butter for a week.

I'm actually conducting a bit of an incentive experiment to improve this. Remember when I quit World of Warcraft? Well, I've decided I'm going to play again. BUT, only after I complete a series of goals - among other things, I have to get at least one of my credit cards down to a zero balance, and I have to save up for a new computer.

7. Doing anything I said I was going to do that takes any considerable amount of effort.

6. Small talk with strangers. Some of you who see me occasionally in real life may have noticed I'm growing my hair out. I'm not growing my hair out because I want my hair long again. I'm growing my hair out because I dread that twenty or so minutes when I have to make small talk with the hairdresser. Well, also because I have to go through the hard work of getting there and paying money.

5. Not telling women the things that other women tell me I should, under no circumstances, tell them.

4. Figuring out a way to tactly, yet firmly - and in a way that allows them to still love me like the big, fat jolly bastard I am - let little children know that I'm tired and I want to go make sexual overtures towards my girlfriend and it's time for them to go pester someone else. It's the belly and the beard. That's why I'm already training one of my best friend's sons even though he's not old enough to understand me by chanting to him repeatedly - in a cutesy, baby talk way of course - "I"m not Santa. No I'm not! No I'm not!"

3. Understanding the things I do. I don't mean that in a psychological or philosophical sense. I mean that in a technical sense. I've worked at a radio station for nearly five years now. And you would have better luck finding out how radio works by grabbing a random stranger and quizzing them than asking me. Yet, somehow, I still manage to start and end my shifts with the bare minimum of fuck-ups.

2. Hiding spontaneous public erections. Thank Hulk for gift bags and Christmas tins.

1. Laughing during enemas. It's just not funny.

Top 10 Possible Reasons Why This Isn't A Top 100 List (Pick One)

10. So, I had this really neat plan for LIST SMASH! As some may recall from my 50th post, rather than making that post a top 10 list, I made a top 50 list. My plan was that, every 50 posts, I would make a list as long as the number of that particular post. This is my 100th post at LIST SMASH! According to my original plan then, this should be a top 100 list.

And I tried, guys. I really, really tried. I started and eventually scrapped at least a dozen different top 100 lists. At one point I actually had a clever scheme to have a top 100 list that wasn't a top 100 list, but 10 different top 10 lists all relating to the same thing. Didn't matter. I couldn't finish it.

So I could either abandon LIST SMASH! entirely, or I could cut my losses, do another top 10 list, and keep truckin'.

I would really like to apologize both for the long wait and for not producing the promised top 100 list, but I'm not going to because it isn't like you pay me for this or anything. So here is my ass, there are your lips, you know what to do.

9. Glen Danzig.

8. I can count to 100, but I really don't feel like it. I'm lazy, not stupid.

7. I was busy preparing for the possible election of Sarah Palin to the office of Vice President. And that took some fucking work. Do you know how hard it is trying to throw a saddle on a t-rex? They're slippery.

6. I just don't know if I'm that interested in 100 different aspects of anything. Well, okay, maybe there are some things, but a lot of ladies read this blog and I don't think they want to read that much about their own tits.

5. I pay $50/month for Internet access. You think I'm going to log onto my computer every day and not find all the porn I can? Priorities, people.

4. I was doing laundry.

3. I had to wash my hair that day.

2. My car broke down.

1. What do you care? Just read this 10 times.

(P.S. LIST SMASH! is back. Long live LIST SMASH!)

Top 10 Cover Songs I Like Better Than The Originals (And In Many Cases, I Couldn't Give Two Shits About The Originals)

10. "Making Plans For Nigel" by Primus

9. "War Pigs" by Faith No More

8. "American Girl" by Everclear

7. "Wicked Game" by Giant Drag

6. "The Man Who Sold The World" by Nirvana

5. "Head On" by The Pixies

4. "Come On Eileen" by Save Ferris

3. "All Along The Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix

2. "Surrender" by Less Than Jake

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

(P.S. There are a few reasons for the break here at List SMASH! The main reason, though, is that I am in the middle of working on the Monster Top 100 List for the blog's 100th post anniversary. This post here is #99. So, it will probably be a few days guys.)

Top 10 Things I Would Say To George W. Bush If I Met Him And Had The Balls To Say To Him The Things I Really Wanted Say To Him (And I Wouldn't)

10. "In a few months you're going to get kicked out of your house. Considering the current economic crisis, do you find irony in this or--Jesus, stop eating those crayons and pay attention."

9. "You did everything you could to make things so utterly bad and scary that you shocked America into finally considering supporting both an African American and a woman fit for the job you so royally assfucked. Thanks."

8. "Are you going to open a presidential library, or do you just not want to give us the satisfaction of that many more jokes?"

7. "I have often wondered if there is a Christian God - assuming He really is all about the whole post-life placement thing - where that leaves people like you. Not taking into account your religious beliefs or anything, just, you know. Like, if a leader does things for what he perceives to be the good of his country, but those things he does are - he knows - the kinds of things that should cause the forfeiture of his soul, then doesn't that mean he's knowingly sacrificing his soul for his country? And if he is, shouldn't that be considered in the post-life deliberations when it comes to the question of his placement? I mean, he's sacrificing his soul, which is way more costly than sacrificing even his life. But if it is considered, then doesn't that, like, totally deflate any kind positive things about the soul-sacrifice? Since, you know, if he sacrifices his soul for something good, but then doesn't lose his soul because he sacrificed it for something good, then he didn't sacrifice his soul. Which means he did. I'm not trying to be confusing. But I work at a news radio station. So I know you've probably thought about this a hell of a lot more than I have."

6. "Please leave the Fantastic Four alone, Victor. Seriously. No, seriously, or they'll keep making more movies."

5. "Rock, paper, scissors. Best 2 out of 3. I win, you let gay people marry each other. You win, I'll do your homework for a year."

4. "Dude, seriously. I think your wife is kinda hot."

3. "So, you're from Texas, you were even the Governor, but you're the President, right? The head of Federal Executive branch. So who do you think was right in the Civil War? Wait...no, Iron Man doesn't count I'm not talking about, NO the real one, pay attention. PUT THE FUCKING CRAYONS DOWN!"

2. "As much as I hate everything you are and everything you've done, part of me wants to love and forgive you. Isn't that funny?"

1. "I'm Batman."

Top 10 Things I Hardly Ever Do That I Wish I Did More

10. Look for other jobs.

9. Write haiku.

8. Respond to passively-aggressively insulting comments - usually made at work - with something along the lines of "Up your mother, you ridiculous fuckwagon of stupid!"

7. Call in sick.

6. Drop heavy things on people from impressive heights.

5. Eat stuff that's really good, really fills me up, and is good for me.

4. Get stupidly drunk. It's been a while.

3. Revolt.

2. Manage money wisely.

1. Look strangers in the eye and genuinely wish them a good morning.

Top 10 Things I'm Going To Do At My Lovely New Girlfriend's Place This Weekend

10. Thumb-wrestling.

9. Board games.

8. Bribe her cats to give me updates on any other visitors to the home while I am elsewhere.

7. Ask her what kind of car she would rather be hit by, if she absolutely had to get hit by a car. If her answer isn't "ambulance," we're breaking up.

6. Jump up and down on the foot of her bed until she wakes up and brings me to Aquilonia Comics.

5. Untie her shoes while she's not looking.

4. Rearrange her neighbors' real estate signs.

3. Footsie.

2. Drink all her Diet Pepsi.

1. Let the air out of her tires so she can't bring me home.

Top 10 Lessons I Am Slowly Learning As I Inch Towards Middle Age

10. When you reach a certain age all heterosexual, single, unmarried women look at all heterosexual, single, unmarried men as potential mates. And if they are not attracted to you, they harbor a ridiculous amount of anger towards you for being a heterosexual, single, unmarried man they don't want to mate with. My empathy towards them is weak. The chorus of Beck's "Loser" goes on a delicious loop in my head when I encounter them.

9. Once a fat guy reaches a certain age, groups of teenagers predisposed towards yelling insulting shit at fat guys passing them on the street will no longer yell the insulting shit. I don't know why. Maybe they think I'm a cop. Or maybe they don't want to burn any bridges. Someone's going to have to buy them beer.

8. I never got a tattoo and that's okay. Preferable, actually.

7. I'm probably never going to be famous. I'm probably not going to care.

6. You can sleep through almost anything if you just don't give a shit.

5. If you are awake and walking about a little earlier in the morning than most people - say anywhere between 4 am and 6 am - in an iffy neighborhood and you see someone coming from the other direction, the best way to tell whether or not the other person is a potential danger is to see if they're carrying coffee. It is difficult for you to imagine muggers, murderers, serial killers, rapists, terrorists, and cannibals turning to their friends and saying "Why, I must say sir, if I wish to continue this night of raping and murdering and eating human flesh, then I shall need some powerful java!" A person walking with a coffee, even in the most vicious ghetto, will never seem like a danger. They've got coffee for fuck's sake. They're going to work, or maybe coming back from a night job. They've got things going on in their lives - enough that they need coffee at a stupid hour of morning anyway. This sense of safety inspired by coffee is genuine, and probably right, even though ironically the safety you feel is towards someone carrying a scalding hot cup of liquid that would be enough to maim your stupid face if the stranger were so inclined.

4. I am afraid of being eaten. No, really. It is probably my greatest fear. I hate zombie movies and nature programs for precisely this reason.

3. Some people inching towards middle age, or already there, really don't want to be. And as a result they talk like the foul-mouthed, teenage jocks they never were. False stories about sexual and violent exploits just fall out of their mouths like diarrhea. They can't even help it. These people are a gift. Insulting them to their faces is easy and feeds the spirit.

2. Yes, it is all your parents' fault. No, they're never going to apologize or change. That's okay. They'll still give you free shit.

1. Beta Ray Bill is the coolest name of any super-hero ever.

Uncle Ick's Top 10 Deep Thoughts About Comic Book Super-Villains

10. One of the worst things to do to a comic book super-villain is to render him/her enough of an enjoyable character that the readers delight in his/her exploits as much as - if not more so - they enjoy the inevitable victory of the super-hero. This is because just as it is inevitable that Batman will kick the Joker's ass no matter how much the darker sides of our hearts are thrilled by the clown, it is inevitable that - sooner or later - some dumb-ass editor will grab some dumb-ass writer and ask him/her to write a comic in which the villain is now the main character. Examples of this are legion. Venom. Sabretooth. Doctor Doom. Mystique. Magneto. Thanos.

9. There are usually only two ways to write a comic in which the super-villain is the protagonist because no matter how deliciously dark h/she is, the reader must sympathize with the villain.

The first method, and perhaps the most common, is to either have the villain attempt to reform or to place the villain in a situation in which the possibility that h/she will become a hero is dangled in front of the readers' noses. This holds two big advantages. One, in an age when one the most popular super-heroes is a feral bastard who sometimes descends into complete animal savagery and - even when he's blessed with the calm of Buddha - deals with his enemies by punching steel claws through their skin, readers are always hungry for more super-heroes with a dose of pure bad-ass. And a villain-turned-hero carries around liters of the stuff. Should his/her title find success, they will eventually walk down the path that even the purest of super-heroes must travel - the part of the series where they "go dark" for a time and threaten to turn to villainy. The walk down this path is not a steady one, and tends to inspire a great deal of rebellion in regular readers. Someone who's been following the exploits of Spider-Man ever since he was ruled by Stan Lee's melodramatic prose is not going to like to see him hammering on already-defeated enemies out of pure bloodlust. But there's no such problem with a villain-turned-hero. The path they walk is familiar to them, and we always knew they would go there eventually. The writer doesn't even have to come up with some complicated scheme about a symbiote alien replacing the villain's costume and slowly usurping his/her mind. All the villain-turned-hero needs is one shitty day - no worse than the one you or I often have because something bad happened at work or we had a fight with a significant other - and we're okay with them going back to bad-guy town.

The second option is to keep the villain the same, but to pit him/her against someone even more hateful. Mark Millar's Wanted is an (overrated, in my opinion) example of this. The villain who is trained into villainy by both slaughtering those who have done him wrong or just plain annoyed him as well as killing complete strangers, is set on a collision course with a bastard who we learn enjoys killing babies (and we are expected to accept that murdering random children is much, much worse than allowing people to grow to adulthood only to be cut down by some Eminem-wanna-be for no damn reason).

The only way you can escape these options is by writing a comic divorced from a cooperative universe like those of Marvel and DC. This is dangerous however, and almost never works, because while the villain is allowed to remain a villain the series will almost always be crafted by a lesser writer who will allow the thing to devolve into nothing but murder and rape followed by bad jokes. The only exception I have ever found is the absolutely superb mini-series Empire written by Mark Waid.

8. If there is one lesson all super-hero comics try to teach us - whether or not they ever meant or wanted to, and whether or not there's any truth to it at all - it is that whether we will be light or dark forces in the world is governed by how we react to severe trauma. Marvel and DC comics have taught us that the best and surest way to turn someone into a super-hero is to kill their loved ones - their parents in particular, but not always. Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, Daredevil, Black Panther, and more than I could name here have the deaths of parents firmly rooted in their origin stories. Even the Hulk is on the list, though the story of his parents and how their deaths made him who he is was retroactively attached to his series close to thirty years after the fact. The Punisher is an exception to the death-of-parents list, though he does become a vigilante after watching his wife and children gunned down. You might even argue that Wolverine is another example, since while his amnesia did not cause the literal death of his family, it did in the sense that it stole the memory them - and everything else in his life before he awoke with an unbreakable skeleton - from him.

But villains, more often than not, do not suffer trauma from the death of loved ones. They suffer trauma on themselves. Doctor Doom is forever scarred by an accident. Joker is dropped in a vat of chemicals (in some versions of his slippery origin tale, at least). Lex Luthor suffers nothing more than poverty, and murders his parents himself.

So in the world of super-hero comics, to rail against evil that has befallen your loved ones is a good. To rail against evil that has befallen yourself is itself an evil.

7. If you want to know what separates a super-villain from a super-hero - or more precisely what separates why we love super-heroes and why we love super-villains - watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In particular, if you watch nothing else, watch the season 5 episode "Fool For Love" in which we are entertained with stories of the vampire Spike's past. The difference between the villain Spike and the possibly-reformed Spike are as clear as anything possibly could be. The Spike who murders the Chinese slayer during the Boxer Rebellion, and later the NYC slayer in the seventies, has no cares and no worries. He loves himself and whether he's getting the upper hand on his enemy or getting his bleached head smashed unceremoniously through the window of a moving subway - Spike loves who he is, revels in who he is, loves what he does, revels in what he does, and no matter where he is or what he's doing you know that he's exactly where he wants to be and is doing exactly what he wants to be doing. But back in the present with a microchip implanted in his head that stops him from hurting humans, Spike is a shadow of his former self. He cries on the ground, clutching the promised money from Buffy for telling her his past, probably thinking he should go somewhere and drink a gallon of holy water to save himself from his pathetic existence. In other words, he is now more in line with Buffy, Xander, Willow, Dawn, Riley and Giles, in that there is now something integral about being Spike that he can't control and that completely sucks all the enjoyment out of his life.

In other words, we love super-heroes because they suffer like us, because they suffer even when they don't have to and probably shouldn't - like us - because sometimes they agonize over every action they make - like us - and wonder if the everything about them that makes them who they are isn't stupid or worthless or evil or just plain wrong - like us.

We don't love super-villains, as some may suggest, because they do things we can't do or won't allow ourselves to do. We love them because no matter what they do, they never suffer. They act without the agony inherent in all our actions. Self-doubt and self-loathing is alien to them. They are always where they want to be, always doing what they want to be doing. We love super-villains because they live as if they only have a few hours of life left even though, as super-villains, they will probably still be trapping Batman in giant gumball machines and unveiling those all-too-plentiful rocks of kryptonite when you and I have been eaten by worms, shat by worms, and the worms' angsty offspring are brooding to Nine Inch Nails albums while wallowing in the excrement that used to be our wildest, unrealized dreams.

6. Hulk can kick all their asses. This is a fact.

5. If I could have sex with any super-villain, it would be The Enchantress. She's a Norse goddess with a bone to pick with The Mighty Thor. She boasts an armada of magicks at her command, including super-sexy powers to seduce men into riding her like an atomic-powered roller coaster so they will subsequently go find Thor and punch him a lot. This would be no problem for me. Thor would eventually hand me my bruised ass, but after pounding a goddess all night and then getting to punch Thor in his stupid hippy face, I wouldn't mind that much.

4. The list of reasons why the three sequels to Tim Burton's Batman weren't as successful as the original are as long as my leg (though I will admit that, unlike many, while I despised both of Schumacher's failures, I liked Batman Returns). When it comes to super-villains however, the reasons why none of them worked as well as Jack Nicholson's Joker are ironic. Schumacher's villains never worked because they each tried desperately to be like the Joker, and failed. Meanwhile, Burton's Catwoman and Penguin failed precisely because they weren't enough like the Joker and never tried to be. They broke the rules inherent in reason #7.

3. The problems with Spider-Man 3 - and again there are many - can mainly be found in its super-villains. Venom was basically just tacked on at the end and never given his chance to shine. For better or worse, the comic book Venom has secured a premiere spot in the ranks of Spider-Man's rogue's gallery, and suffered from such careless, stupid treatment. It would be like just throwing Magneto in at the end of X-Men for some extra muscle. And then there's Sandman whose depiction was, I feel, carried out faithfully. It's doubtful anyone could've played the villain better than Thomas Haden Church. But where Sandman ultimately provided a fat bucket of fail is in the revelation that it was him who murdered Spider-Man's uncle. As I have said before on this blog, I don't care about differences between the storyies of the comics and those of the films as long as the spirit of the story is unmarred. This, however, was unforgivable. As I wrote earlier, Spider-Man is one of a long line of heroes in whose origins the death of family plays an integral role. The fact that the death of Peter Parker's father-figure helped to make him a super-hero is not at all unique. But what does distinguish him from others - one of the reasons why Spider-Man is so terribly fallible and human - is the manner in which that death occurs. Heroes like Batman and Superman and Daredevil suffer guilt for the deaths of their families, even though we all know this guilt is undeserved because they were in situations where none of them could've stopped those deaths. Unlike them, Spider-Man IS in part to blame for the death of his uncle. Unlike the young Bruce Wayne or the infant Kal-El, Peter Parker could have prevented his Uncle's death with no more than one punch to the head of the bastard who ran past him. Spider-Man's guilt, unlike that of the others, is well-deserved though perhaps not to the extent to which he tortures himself. This is why he's the super-hero who bears the burden of that stupid phrase about great power and great responsibility. But having Sandman kill Uncle Ben took that away and DID mar the spirit of the story.

2. One of the things I like least about super-hero adaptations is how often the director feels the need to kill the super-villain at the end. Sure, part of what I don't like about this practice is that it takes away the potential for sequels featuring the same villain. And there's also the fact that it makes murderers out of those who would never murder. But mainly I don't like it because there is a conceit in it that I find distasteful. It seems that the director is telling us that he/she has given us the only battle that could ever be important between these two characters, as if they have succeeded in perfectly defining the differences between a hero and a villain who have been locking horns for decades, and nothing more need be said.

1. The defining super-villain moment has come and gone. It was brief, but powerful, and can be found in the pages of Marvel Super-Heroes: Secret Wars #10. Everything that has followed has been, at best, beautiful imitation.

Top 10 Songs That Best Define My Life And Personality

10. "Loser" by Beck

9. "Insight" by The Dead Kennedys

8. "I Don't Wanna Grow Up" by Tom Waits

7. "Underachievers March and Fight Song" by Archers of Loaf

6. "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls

5. "The Grouch" by Green Day

4. "My Ass Is On Fire" by Mr. Bungle

3. "Everyone I Went To High School With Is Dead" by Mr. Bungle

2. "The Passenger" by The Stooges

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

Top 10 Best Numbers Between 1 And 10

10. 2

9. 7

8. 6.5

7. 5

6. 8.7388888

5. 4

3. Glen Danzig

2. 1

1. Purple.

Uncle Ick's Top 10 Favorite Comedians

10. Dick Cheney.

9. Eddie Izzard.

8. Jon Stewart.

7. Stephen Colbert.

6. Bill Murray.

5. Henry Rollins (not his spoken-word - his music is funnier).

4. Stephen Wright.

3. George Carlin.

2. Me.

1. Jesus.

Uncle Ick's Top 10 6 Reactions To Today's News

THIS

10. Christ, not again.

9. Maybe I shouldn't even bother finishing Infinite Jest.

8. The day after I write 15 new pages of a novel I haven't touched in over a year, and one of the only living authors I can rightly call a "favorite" does this. I'm not saying it's providence or a sign or anything. Just strange.

7. I guess refusing to subscribe to cable TV or even hook up rabbit ears doesn't render me immune to hearing bad news.

6. I don't feel funny right now and I don't feel like finishing this list.

5. Hey, David. I hope you've found peace. Seriously. And FUCK YOU.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Am Keeping My Phone Off Today, Staying Off The Internet, And Will Remain Completely Unreachable

10. You guys smell.

9. I've got lots of Diet Pepsi. Shit's not gonna drink itself. And I drink alone. Yeah, with nobody else. And when I drink alone, I prefer to drink by myself. Which is redundant in so many ways and I can't believe I just quoted that goddamn song.

8. Glen Danzig.

7. The Quiet Man has to start talking. Most of you don't know what that means. But I honestly think you will some day.

6. I'm going to be blasting a lot of loud instrumentals in my apartment. I can't hear them if I leave, and I honestly think most of you guys wouldn't like them.

5. My cell phone is low on minutes anyway.

4. The Internet is too distracting. Too much porn. I mean blogs. Yeah, blogs. Too many blogs.

3. I have decided today will be a day for writing and nothing more. No softball practice or hanging out or chores or shopping or anything else. Today I write and no one and nothing is going to disturb that.

2. I am basking in the aftermath of a glorious night with a beautiful woman who submitted to my clumsy charms. I will not pretend to know what the future holds other than to say she has foolishly agreed to be called my "significant other" and that knowing this makes my days seem brighter and more hopeful. On this blog, for the sake of both anonymity and symbolic accuracy, she will henceforth be known as Penelope - as in the patient wife of Odysseus, as in the woman whose arms I would brave every manner of island-dwelling beast and monster and wrathful god to be folded into, as in the woman whose unworthy suitors I would slaughter with a cheerful heart and absolute ruthlessness should they be stupid enough to step in my bloody path. Only two things threaten to render her blog-induced pseudonym a silly thing. First, not even the grandest war with the most certain promises of glory and bounty could tempt me from her side, and so neither her patience nor the aforementioned island-hopping trek back to her bed would be necessary. Second, to say she makes me feel like Odysseus is a horrible lie, because Odysseus is nothing but an epic hero whose bravery and cunning would thrill the hearts and minds of every tradition-bent literature professor and lover of the Western World, whereas she makes me feel like a demi-god. I want to be worthy of her. I want her to be proud of me. That's not the only reason for reason #3, but it helps. She is a large piece of the proof of something I am allowing myself to believe: that something out there, something good that can't be named and cares whether or not I feel loved, has answered my lonely scream and answered it with the only pieces of Heaven I believe I will ever know - other people. And if you don't get the Penelope reference, for Christ's sake go to wikipedia. I'm a writer, not a literature professor.

1. Got shit to do.

(P.S. Just wanted to talk about something funny and ironic in reference to the end of reason #2. I have a friend, a co-worker, who is a brilliant photographer. Some months ago I moved into a kind of "iffy" area crime-wise. There is graffiti, and I recently learned the graffiti artists are a bit smarter than I initially thought. Well, in some ways, at least. In particular, there is an artist whose tag consists of two kind of bubble faces - one laughing and one sad - and it took me some weeks before I realized the artist's tag was his own contemporary rendering of the tragedy/comedy masks of theater. Next to one of these tags - on the back wall of a veterinarian hospital in the path of my short, daily trek to work - are the words HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE. I have been so - forgive my Reznor-like self-pity - desperately, desperately lonely. So lonely that I was tempted to ask my co-worker to follow me to the building and take a picture of me standing next to the quote. But the world has been nice to me lately. Old friends, new friends, and a new lover have found their way into my life. And it's all happened in such a short space of time that it can't feel like anything but providence. I didn't ask my friend to take the picture mainly because it was embarrassing to ask for it, and equally embarrassing - should he have agreed - to model for a photo in public. But now I won't ask because, Dear Anonymous Wall Artist, YOU. ARE. WRONG.)

Top 10 Geek Tribes I Gladly Name My Enemy

10. Trekkies.

9. Dorks who dress like vampires.

8. Star Wars nuts.

7. Anyone who speaks only or primarily in geek movie/tv quotes. Sorry my fellow geeks, but remembering witty quotes someone else wrote/spoke doesn't make you witty. It's okay to be a geek while simultaneously rousing up original thoughts. It's okay. Give it a try. Yeah, yeah, I saw The Holy Grail too. Yeah, yeah, shrubbery, you're being repressed, bring out your dead, it's just a flesh wound, ha ha, you're so clever, JESUS!!!! GO HAVE SEX!

6. I have a very funny thing I say occasionally. 'Cause I'm all funny. And I came up with it myself (please see reason #7 for the importance of this). I will, when the subject of weed arises, say that I no longer smoke it because, "Smoking weed is just like watching Jeopardy. You just sit on your couch and feel stupid." Always. Always. ALWAYS some shitknuckle fuckwagon of geek responds with, "Well, I usually know the answers on Jeopardy." No. No you don't. Not unless the answer is "What is...I'm a fucking liar! And a virgin!" If you usually knew the answers you would go on the fucking show and make a bunch of fucking money so you could buy more fucking Half-Elf Magic-User miniatures. Stop interrupting my funny to stroke your skull-cock!

5. Furries. Just stop it guys. Just stop it. I'm a pretty open-minded guy, but just stop it. Do something less disturbing. Like, pee on each other or something. But just stop it with the furries. Please. Stop it. CSI doesn't need that many story ideas.

4. Comic book geeks who think their favorite super-hero can beat up the Hulk. He can't. And you know it. This isn't just a competitive thing. I'm a literary motherfucker. I appreciate character. And one of the primary things that defines the Hulk's character is that he's better than everybody. It's true. Umberto Eco even wrote about it. And Roland Barthes. And that other guy. Seriously.

3. Thor fans. We all know Marvel's never going to let the Hulk kick Thor's ass like he should. So I say we settle this in a civilized manner. I'll get my Hulk-brothers together, and you get your hammer-hippy fans together, and we'll go to a vacant lot for a knife fight.

2. Geeks who live in their mother's basement and make fun of other geeks who live in their mothers' basements because they live in their mothers' basements. First of all, why is it always the mother's basement? What happened to the Dad? Second of all, your self-loathing annoys me.

1. Mall-walkers. My suicide monkey squads are taking you motherfuckers OUT.

Top 10 COMPLETELY TRUE Things (no, seriously) You Probably Don't Know About Me

10. I can, from memory, recite the dictionary definition of smegma.

9. I believed in Santa until the fifth grade.

8. I was baptized Catholic when I was 12, took my first Communion, was never confirmed, and was briefly an altar boy.

7. My ex-girlfriend brought me to a sadomasochist/kink masquerade a couple of years ago. I thought having a masquerade for people who regularly dress up in costumes and give themselves funny names was more than a little redundant. During our relationship, I had come up with a name for myself to represent how I thought her and her kinky friends thought of me - "Captain Vanilla". So, I bought a white mask, white sneakers, white basketball shorts, tied a white tablecloth around my neck as a cape, painted a bright and glittery purple "V" on my shirt, and for the first and only time became the superhero Captain Vanilla. The responses came in three categories - most people thought it was funny, some people upon hearing my superhero name retorted with "we'll change that by the end of the night" (guess what, they didn't), and some looked like they wanted to punch me. Which they would've, if they weren't a bunch of wimpy trekkie pricks who regularly gathered to pretend there were other people who wanted to have sex with them. I think mainly people were just surprised that someone at the shindig had come up with an idea for a costume that didn't necessitate lots and lots of black leather (the Kinksters are wild and rebellious INDIVIDUALS...in a very regimented, uniform and fascist rule-oriented kind of way - no, no, BITTER? ME?).

6. Because of the relationship that led to reason #7, I have met more women who call themselves "Blue" than I can actually remember.

5. I once stayed home from school - back at the University of Tampa - for two days because I really, really wanted to finish Final Fantasy VII.

4. I once rented a cabin in the woods for a week to be all emo and write poetry. At one point, I smelled something and wasn't able to put my finger on what it was. I ignored it for hours. Eventually, I realized it was gas from the stove. I hadn't used the stove the entire time, but must have accidentally hit one of the knobs. I opened all the windows and doors and sat outside until the place aired out. I had been lighting cigarettes the entire time, without knowing the danger. And it was my only night there that I hadn't made a fire in the fireplace. So I sat outside and smoked and thought about that for a long time.

3. I once had my friend Susan put her hand on top of my head and shave around it, so I had a big handprint on my head. Shortly afterwards, my brother brought me with his college's theater department to Greenwich Village to see Blue Man Group. I was pulled on stage and, according to the other students, the Blue Men were having a lot of fun making fun of my hair behind my back.

2. My first crush was named Kelly. I wrote her poems and sent them to her, unsigned, for a week. She wasn't interested. We were both in Public Speaking - me in my horrible military, Christian, all-boys school, and her in her Christian, all-girls school. I took vengeance upon her the only way I could. I had already qualified for the State Finals for Oral Interpretation of Literature. She was in the same category, and my coach told me if I went up for it again before the finals and managed to place higher than her - which I knew I would because I was damn good at it and Kelly and all the girls from her school in that category only read what their coaches let them read, which was always either Robert Frost or shit about cats - I would knock her out of qualification for no good reason. So I did. It was one of the most mean-spirited, petty-minded things I've ever done. All my trophies from that time are gone. All that's left are a few people my age who may or may not remember the look on the judges' faces when I read a poem that mentioned handprints of shit left on toilets. I smashed all the trophies during the retreat mentioned in reason #4, and burned all my high school yearbooks and pictures. It's better that way.

1. I'm right-handed. I'm not ambidextrous. Regardless, I masturbate with my left.

Top 10 Things I Like To Think Of Myself As VERSUS The Top 10 Things I Actually Am

10. I like to think of myself as B.A., or even Face, but I'm probably more like Murdock.

9. I like to think of myself as a dwarf, but I'm probably a hobbit.

8. I like to think of myself as Liono, but I'm probably Snarf.

7. I like to think of myself as the Hulk, but I'm probably Bruce.

6. I like to think of myself as Spike, but I'm probably Xander.

5. I like to think of myself as one of the Dinobots, but I'm probably, well, yeah. One of the Dinobots.

4. I like to think of myself as He-Man, but I'm probably Orko.

3. I like to think of myself as House, but I'm probably Wilson. Or that dork on Scrubs.

2. I like to think of myself as Batman, but I'm probably that ugly reporter from the first Burton film who was slobbering over Vicki Vale.

1. I like to think of myself as the god of hellfire, but I'm probably just an irresistible sex god. Somehow, I'll deal.

Top 10 Reasons Why Death Sucks

10. No more sex.

9. Hitler is dead. Who wants to be like Hitler?

(vegetarians)

8. It's the most relaxed you'll ever be. And you can't enjoy it, because you're fucking dead.

7. No more Diet Pepsi.

6. You won't find out whether or not (insert name of guy/girl you have a crush on) on (insert name of your favorite reality show) will beat that annoying fuck (insert name of the guy/girl on the reality show who is a bitch/asshole).

5. Risk of going all zombie. Zombies suck. (I proved it)

4. This is when everyone starts saying bad shit about you. And you're not there to prove you were out of town the week the zoo monkeys were violated. And you don't bend that way anyway. And they were askin' for it, they were FUCK. ING! asking for it! Are you the only one who noticed they never wore any clothes? JESUS!

3. If the Christians are right, Cat Stevens is totally fucked. And that's not cool. Who doesn't like Cat Stevens?

(Dog Jones, the jealous fuck)

2. No comic books.

1. You become B.A. Baracus.

B.A. Baracus was Mr. T's character on The A-Team. B.A. was afraid of no man. Even if you were a man with a huge automatic weapon, all the bullets would magically spin around him, and he would pick you up and throw you. Even though he would throw you in slow-motion, you'd be down for the count. And then Murdock and Face would take out the rest of the guys with the tank they made out of a shopping cart and a pencil sharpener.

But B.A. was afraid of one thing - flying. And The A-Team found themselves needing to fly quite a bit. So the other guys on the team would need to figure out some way to trick B.A. into ingesting an incapacitating drug at least every other episode, which was tough because, you know, B.A. was ready for it. They drugged him a lot. He had guys drugging him so much, he may as well have been in a sorority.

So, that's you. When you die. You're B.A. Baracus. You don't know where you're going, and in fact you probably don't even know you're going on a trip. You're just sitting there, smiling in spite of your usual stoic presence, because your buddy Face just bought you a milkshake. Your favorite flavor, too. Wow, Face is nicer than usual, maybe you should stop calling him a FOO'. And man that milkshake tastes great! Better than usual. In fact the world just. You know. Feels. Nicer. Than. Thud.

Top 10 Songs I Would Want Played At My Wedding Reception

10. The Price Is Right theme song

9. "Get the Fuck Out" by Skid Row

8. "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden

7. "You've Got A Ugly And Stupid Butt" by Strong Bad

6. "Everything's Not Lost" by Coldplay

5. "I Don't Want To Grow Up" by Tom Waits

4. "Stop Touching My Food" by Happy Flowers

3. "I Hate Myself and Want To Die" by Nirvana

2. "Everyone I Went To High School With Is Dead" by Mr. Bungle

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

Top 10 Best Things About Last Night's Date

10. We saw Hamlet 2. It was funny. I LOL'd. Like for srs.

9. We had to wait something like 20 minutes to get a seat the restaurant. It was raining, and people kept interrupting us because we were sitting on the same bench beneath which the restaurant patrons had stored their umbrellas. Regardless, I hardly minded, and in fact was temporarily surprised when we were finally seated.

8. We are both convinced we know each other from somewhere else. We kept trying to guess, and at one point the waiter asked me if I had figured it out yet. Apparently my voice carries when I'm, well, awake.

7. Glen Danzig.

6. She bought me a Hulk action figure for my birthday. It was waiting for me in the car when she picked me up, in a gift bag with a picture of a sock monkey that reads "Born to be WILD!" Some women just know the way to your heart. Hulk and monkeys? Double threat. Can't go wrong.

5. I totally snagged five bucks out of her wallet and she didn't even notice. It was awesome.

4. She has big, brown sexy eyes.

3. She has the sexiest voice in the universe. She could read the phone book to me and I would be in Heaven.

2. We totally made out. Like totally.

1. Afterwards, I just felt good. Just good. She dropped me off at about a quarter to midnight, I milled around my apartment, wrote a message to an old friend from Florida who found me on facebook, dug up old poems and essays I'd written when I was in Florida, and just generally felt good. It's nice. After living for so long without a social life, mainly because of working for four years with Batman's schedule, I am re-learning that when you reach out to the world, it tends to reach back. I feel good. I'm gonna go for a walk now.

Uncle Ick's Top 10 Favorite Films

(For any film nuts out there, I beg you to consider the title of this list literally. In other words, do not think I am claiming any special kind of knowledge in the art of film making or that I am saying these are the top 10 best films of all time. I'm not. I believe there definitely are films on this list that any film critic or student would have to agree are - at the very least - deserving of great praise, but I'm not going to pretend that I have enough knowledge of the art of crafting movies or have even seen enough movies to make a top 10 best films of all time list. These are the ones I like. 'Cuz I like 'em. So don't get all up in my grill and shit. Um. Yo.)

10. Big Trouble in Little China Directed by John Carpenter


There are very few stupid things I like because they're stupid. I'm not a fan of B movies, not even usually the more self-aware B movies like this one that know how silly they are and so lampoon themselves while reveling in their idiocy. But I've always liked Big Trouble ever since it came out when I was a kid. I think when I first saw it, I was somewhat aware of the self-parody aspect of it, but honestly I was more jazzed by all the guns and swords and karate and dudes shooting lighting bolts. Especially the lightning bolts. I don't know what it is. If there's a dude or a chick who shoots lightning bolts, I'm there.


9. Raising Arizona Directed by Joel Coen


Gather around, children, and I shall regale you with tales of wonder so fantastic you could hardly believe them. Tales of dragons and princesses. Of battles won and love lost. Of gods and goddesses, of demons and devils, and of all the unfortunate souls that lay in-between. But the most fantastic of all my tales, that will make you laugh to think it could possibly be true, is of a distant past when Nicolas Cage didn't think he was John Wayne, and so made movies worth a flying shit.


8. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Directed by Ang Lee


The funny thing is, I hated this flick the first time I saw it. I never saw it in the theater. Instead, after hearing that its director would also be directing Hulk, I bought the DVD to see if I could get a clue about the worth of the guy who would be bringing my favorite green-skinned goliath to the screen.

I remember describing it to people as "a generic kung-fu flick an hour and a half longer than it needed to be." The truth? I don't like admitting this at all, but I think that what irked me about Crouching Tiger when I first saw it was the message of female empowerment, because at the time I had some serious anger issues regarding women. I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

My mind has since changed. In fact, when I used to play World of Warcraft, there was a zone of the game - a large, dense jungle - called Stranglethorn Vale that I always loved going to, and the only reason I liked going there (as any WoW player will tell you, STV is a BITCH of a zone to navigate, and there are some who avoid it completely) is that the music for that particular zone (each zone in WoW has different music) was very evocative of the lovely, sad musical score of Crouching Tiger.


7. Se7en Directed by David Fincher


There's a lot to like about Se7en, but I think what I love most is Morgan Freeman's character.

Freeman is a marvelous actor, but I've always been bothered by his presence. Or, more to the point, how his presence is used. There's this larger-than-life thing about most of his characters. His films almost always have at least one of what I call the "Morgan Moment" - the moment when everyone has to shut up because Morgan has something Important to say. Lean On Me is pretty much nothing but a neverending series of Morgan Moments. I mean, Christ, he even had those Morgan Moments in Robin Hood.

And the result is a whole bunch of characters that just don't seem very fallible, at least in regards to morality and wisdom. But that isn't the case in Se7en. His character is like a Raymond Chandler or Dashiel Hammett noir detective whose been cursed to stay in the world too long. He is utterly depressed and cynical, only able to endure his existence by filling his life with monotonous rituals. The scene right after Brad Pitt's character schools him in the bar - when he says, in response to Freeman's cynical speeches about humanity's darkness, something along the lines of "You say you're leaving because of all these things, but really I think you say all these things because you're leaving" - when Freeman returns to his apartment and spins a switchblade into a dartboard over and over, is one the most quietly dark and disturbing moments of any of Freeman's characters. With the possible exception of his character in Unforgiven, he's never been more fallible or more human.


6. The Silence of the Lambs Directed by Jonathan Demme


It's unfortunate that Hollywood felt the need to mar the memory of this great film with its Lucas-like compulsion to spit out sequels and prequels that could never hope to be as good as the original.

Jodie Foster is wonderful in this film, there's no denying it, just like there's no denying Hopkins is the best reason to watch it. The Lecter of Lambs is one of the greatest villains on film. I don't think I need to say anymore. You all know it.


5. The Dark Knight Directed by Christopher Nolan


I don't think I can write anything that I didn't already write here. This is the best super-hero film. I doubt that will change any time soon.


4. This is Spinal Tap Directed by Rob Reiner


As a teenager I hung out with a lot of musicians. Spinal Tap is probably the best thing they introduced me to. It just never gets, no matter how many times I watch it, not funny. I'll always laugh at Christopher Guest's claims about his amps' superior worth and I'll always laugh at Billy Crystal's cameo when he angrily tells his fellow mime-waiter "Mime is Money!" I'll always laugh when Guest, Michael McKean, and Harry Shearer try and pathetically fail at an impromptu, acapella version of "Heartbreak Hotel" at Elvis Presley's grave, or when Rob Reiner reads the band the infamous two-word review.


3. The Lord of the Rings Directed by Peter Jackson


(for the purposes of this list, I'm counting all three films as one, and I'd argue they are in a sense)

As a fan of the books since the third grade, I never thought anyone could pull it off. Never. Certainly not the guy who made his bones with a movie about space zombies invading New Zealand.

And I don't complain about the differences between the films and the books. In fact, I'm glad the differences were there. Why? Well, not only would a word-for-word adaptation of The Lord of the Rings be something like 80 hours long, but because of all the differences - especially because of all the things that are in the books that were left out of the films - if you've never read the books before but love the films, there are still a lot of treasures left in the books for you to explore.

I have a few gripes. I didn't like that they never even tried to make it a surprise that Boromir would fall to the power of the Ring. You pretty much know it's going to happen as soon as he shows up, particularly because of the casting. Sean Bean's built his career playing characters who are either traitors, heroes completely inadequate relative to the tasks at hand, or both. There were a few things here and there that Jackson handled with more blatant magic that I always pictured as being handled more subtly. For example when Gandalf breaks Saruman's debilitating hold on King Theoden, while reading the books I never pictured Theoden literally growing younger, but simply standing taller and straighter - seeming more youthful because of his mindset and physical presence. I didn't like that Denethor was treated as a 2-dimensional madman. I always saw him as a very tragic figure. They never even mention that it was one of the Palanthir that magically drove him insane. I mean, as much as Boromir was made to seem like a jerk at the Council of Elrond when he complained that the rest of the world was kept safe by the blood of his people, he wasn't wrong. Being the only thing standing between an idyllic fantasy world and its destruction at the hands of armies of demonic bastards would be enough to stress anyone out, even without a magical glowy thing helping drive you apeshit. And when Gandalf bonks Denethor upside the head because he was yelling for everyone to run, that was just stupid. Really. I mean, come on. Was that the day Will Farrell visited the set or something?

But at the end of the day, Jackson & co. made something astonishing, and differences from the source material be damned, they were true to the souls of the books, and that's what's important.


2. Dr. Strangelove (or How I Learned to Stop Worry and Love the Bomb) Directed by Stanley Kubrick


Best. Satire. Ever.

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Directed by Michel Gondry


I don't usually seek out love stories, or like them. To be completely, unfortunately honest - I don't feel much like writing about this. Mainly for the same reason that I haven't been able to force myself to watch it since, well, if you read this blog regularly or know me in real life, then you know since when.

It's beautiful and funny and sweet. It will make you cry.

Oh, and after getting used to seeing Elijah Wood as a pure, cute little hobbit, seeing him play a sick little jerk who steals ladies underwear is awesome.